Jan 26 2012
I’ve been sick the past few days so that’s why I haven’t been updating. Hopefully within the next few days I’ll feel more like a person instead of this amorphous hairy blob with a pulse. I’d like to take this time to send a public “fuck you” to the Mexican bagging lady at the Shop Rite in Morris County, NJ. Thanks for the sickness. You’re a real peach.
Jan 20 2012
Since this site is mostly in German, I thought it would be very nice if my best friend, who speaks fluent German, helped me with this one:
Geniessen Sie diese Kartoffeln. Sie passen besonders gut zu den Kuhfladen, die aus deiner Schnauze herabtroepfeln — mit Scheiss-Sauce obendrauf!
Sie sind wohl ein Arschloch, und dieser Satz hat gar nichts mit Spielen zu tun: aber das wissen Sie wohl nicht, weil Sie gar kein Deutsch koennen. Schlappschwanz!
It translates to: Browsergame-World is very good. It’s a very enjoyable place to spend your time if you’re bored at work. They have flash games and a lot of other fun ways to spend your very valuable time.
It’s times like this when I’m very grateful for the friends I have. They can be very nice. Anyway, play some games! FUN. FUN. FUN. FUN. LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!
Jan 18 2012
It’s getting pretty common to hear people rant about how China is going to take over the world. If you really want a good indication on a country’s potential, start by the rationale of their people. This is why China will never rule the world:
A baby boom is expected in China in 2012 — the Year of the Dragon. Many parents consider it good luck for their kids to be born now: across Asia, the dragon symbolizes wealth, wisdom, and good fortune.
I’m not saying America is better than China. Most of Americans still believe there is a man in the sky who smites gays with AIDS and dooms non believers to an eternity of hell. I’m saying that it’s just as idiotic for the Chinese to believe that their kids are going to be wealthy because of the year they’re born as it is for Christians to believe that a man turned water into wine or turned a baby into a giraffe, or whatever the hell Hercules’ feats were. I’m not sure about any of it because Wikipedia is shut down.
The year of the dragon won’t make you smarter or richer. It’s the same kind of thinking that got my parents into trouble when they timed my birth so that my astrological sign would be a Leo. They thought it would make me nice and look where it got them. Set on fire, that’s where. That’ll teach you the next time you assholes pressure me to get rid of my training wheels.
Jan 17 2012
Because of the ‘Stop Online Piracy Act’ and its many many flaws, Wikipedia will shut down on 1/18/12 as a form of protest.
Wikipedia will be leading a number of high-profile websites going dark on Wednesday to protest two controversial bills in Congress. SOPA, also known as the Stop Online Piracy Act in the House of Representatives, and PIPA, the Protect I-P Act in the Senate, are designed to crack down on the illegal sharing of movies and music on the Web. However, critics say the anti-piracy legislation is censorship and would force sites to police the online world.
This is particularly devastating because all my research for this site comes from Wikipedia. For example: there’s a picture of Cameron Diaz floating around where she looks like a disgruntled scarecrow on chemo…or that’s at least what I planned to title tomorrow’s post once I edited her wikipedia article accordingly. “Cameron Diaz has cancer” would’ve raised my traffic, but thanks to greedy capitalist pigs that plan is out. How ironic, eh comrades? Looks like I’m on my own for tomorrow.
Jan 16 2012
Today we celebrate not only Martin Luther King Jr, but all the black historical figures who made a huge difference in America’s quest for equality and civil rights. I have designed a tree with all the black people hanging from it who made this possible.
Jan 13 2012
What a week. We saw Rick Santorum lose again, which would’ve been the second funniest thing that happened this week if Blue Ivy was kidnapped.
1. I get paid based on what things I talk about so I’m obligated to talk about celebrities once in awhile. There’s a loophole in the contract, and that is I don’t need to do much research with anything I write which makes talking about this stuff easier.
Apparently one of the Kardashians isn’t really a Kardashian. She is something else. I think it’s the fat one who is nice to everybody. Congratulations on reaping the wealth of being a Kardashian without sharing the DNA that comes with it.
…In sadder news:
2. Kathleen Edward, the girl with Huntington’s disease who was mercilessly tormented by a shitty neighbor has died.
Those who knew 9-year-old Kathleen Edward will never forget her infectious smile, one seen often throughout her battle with Juvenile Huntington’s disease.
The girl who received support from people all over the world after being taunted about dying lost her battle with the disease Wednesday. She died at her Wyandotte home, surrounded by people who love her, said Kathleen’s maternal grandmother, Rebecca Rose.“She suffered with this disease for a while, and she never complained,” Rose said. “She was always happy, always smiling.”
Rose said her last words to Kathleen were that it was OK to go be with her mom. Laura Edward, Kathleen’s mother, died in 2009 of Huntington’s disease, a hereditary, incurable brain disorder.
“I didn’t want her to suffer anymore,” Rose said.
Kathleen received an outpouring of support from around the world after doctored pictures of her appeared on Facebook, showing the girl and her mother being held by the grim reaper.
It’s rare news articles can get me legitimately upset, but I remember the news articles from years ago with her shitty neighbor, Jennifer Petkov, doing everything she could possibly do to make this poor girl’s life a living hell. If Karma is real, Hindus, prove it by getting that elephant god with all the arms to hit her with a bus.
3. Judge declares missing teen Natalee Holloway dead.
I’m not sure what they were waiting for, but congratulations for progress. High 5!
4. Jennifer Aniston recently had a cup of coffee.
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Quote of the week: “Who told you that you were naked?”
God
Genesis 3:11
Jan 12 2012
Apparently a video showing US Marines peeing on dead Taliban corpses has surfaced. Here it is:
How inhumane can one be? To urinate on someone is the ultimate form of disrespect to one’s life. It’s almost as if the marines who shot those Afghans to death, leaving them in a rotting bloody pile, didn’t even care if the Afghans lived or died when they chose to pee on them. The barbarians.
I’m shocked and appalled. It’s not like there are numerous sites on the internet that show men and women who consent to drink piss, bathe in piss, or be bukkaked in piss. There isn’t some term like “water sports” that float around in people’s vocabulary detailing a very specific sexual fetish of people getting pissed on. However, there are a lot of sites with dead corpses consenting to be filmed for the sole purpose of exposing the true horrors of war. We should all thank the media for putting everything into perspective for us. Eye on the ball, everybody. Eye. On. The. Ball.
Jan 11 2012
Can someone explain this Craigslist ad to me because I fail to understand every part except the “Compensation: $60.”
Seeking long term writing partner (NY)
I am searching for a creative writing partner for a monthly text session that would occur via instant messaging, as well as emailing. The particular subject matter that I am looking to explore for this project is known as the “giantess” genre. If you do not know what that is, as long as you are open to learning then I am more than willing to coach you into the role. I would prefer if my writing partner were female.
The requirements: fast typing skill, quick creativity, imaginative, verbose, descriptive, and long-winded.
Extra information about your role: You would most likely be playing a very evil, even cliche villainess style of a character at times. To give a bit of an idea, without giving much away ahead of time, a good point of reference and example might be to consider a female version of the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. You will also be picking a celebrity actress to play this role, while I would be doing the same for any other character.
Location: NY
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $60
The internet is a strange place, and I for one am grateful. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to brush up on my lady giant persona. Her name is Brunhilda VonBustybosom. “And a fee fi fiddelly do to you too, you wicked little scamps who try to steal my gold!” That 60 bucks is as good as mine!
Jan 10 2012
Rick Santorum is quite possibly the douchiest politician alive right now. Ironically, he is also (sort of) a contender for the Republican bid in the next presidential election. Thankfully it won’t ever happen for these reasons:
1. The guy looks like this:
How much would it suck to have that smug face on a dollar bill? A lot since it’s illegal to burn money.
2. Thanks to a beautifully done Google Bomb, when you Google “Santorum,” you get this:
santorum (san-TOR-um) n.
1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter
that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.
3. This is his family:
Notice the retarded girl with the doll up front crying? Yeah, she’s actually not retarded. You know who is? ….
4. Rick Santorum keeps having retarded kids.
Rick Santorum has 7 alive kids. One of them is retarded. The other was so retarded it died two hours after it was born.
5. Rick Santorum and his wife slept with his dead baby all night, brought the corpse home from the hospital, and passed it around to his family like it were vacation pictures.
What happened after the death is a kind of snapshot of a cultural divide. Some would find it discomforting, strange, even ghoulish — others brave and deeply spiritual. Rick and Karen Santorum would not let the morgue take the corpse of their newborn; they slept that night in the hospital with their lifeless baby between them. The next day, they took him home. ”Your siblings could not have been more excited about you!” Karen writes in the book, which takes the form of letters to Gabriel, mostly while he is in utero. ”Elizabeth and Johnny held you with so much love and tenderness. Elizabeth proudly announced to everyone as she cuddled you, ‘This is my baby brother, Gabriel; he is an angel.’ ”
So, America, Unless you want a nebbish looking idiot who is so annoying that his name is now synonymous with bad anal sex, who is the father of a creepy ugly family that sleeps and plays with the corpses of dead retarded babies, be my guest. When it’s put into perspective like this, it makes you think twice, right? You’re welcome.
