Oct 24 2012
You see? NJ isn’t just guido trash. Looking like fools now, aren’t you?
Oct 10 2012
Before my server literally blew up and I had to basically start this site from scratch, I told tales of Colton Burpo, the redneck jolly be good child who visited heaven and saw Jesus. I forget what I said, but it probably had to do with him being a lying child who was exploited by evil parents who had the temerity to name something Colton. It all starts at birth, folks.
Now, they have a new book called “Heaven Changes Everything,” which is a tell all about how visiting heaven can change a family and blah blahblah blah blah.
The story of Todd and Sonja Burpo’s son Colton making a trip to heaven and back had an enormous impact on their lives. Their son’s story came at a time when things were tough and the parents discovered that beliving in heaven can make all the difference.
Every time I see Colton Burpo’s smug little face, I get the urge to FedEx him to Sandusky’s jail cell. This kid is a lying asshole, and his parents are either in on the lie, or practically forcing the lie out of this kid in order to make money. Colton’s dad is a pastor, so you know he’s not above making money selling the idea of god, but whoring your kid out to belivers in an effort to make money? That’s one notch below speaking in tongues on the integrity scale.
Heaven isn’t real, you jackasses. Think about it: Why are all the people who claim to spend time in heaven or see Jesus rednecks? Why do they all sound like they could be in the movie Deliverance? It’s because they probably could’ve been in the movie Deliverance and should be treated as such. Seriously, do you think some little dweeb with a big chin from rural Nebraska (as opposed to urban Nebraska) is going to have some kind of meaningful supernatural life altering experience? Nebraska has pot and corn, and that’s it. I’m serious. That’s. It.
It will always amaze me how there are suckers who buy into what this kid says. It’s funny because we put kids who see “ghosts” into psychotherapy, but we give this kid book deals and thousands of dollars. What’s the difference? How is this not child abuse?
Jul 11 2012
World’s most famous Julia Roberts lookalike, Daniel Tosh apologized in the news recently:
Comedian Daniel Tosh has apologized after a Friday stand-up show in Los Angeles prompted one audience member to express public outrage over a joke he made about gang rape.
“All the out-of-context misquotes aside, I’d like to sincerely apologize,” Tosh, 37, tweeted Tuesday, along with a link to the Tumblr post made by the female attendee at the Laugh Factory show. “The point I was making before I was heckled is there are awful things in the world but you can still make jokes about them.”
You know what this is bullcrap. Comedians can’t just apologize for saying something other people find offensive. I’m offended that he apologized, yet he’s not going to apologize for his apology.
It’s not like Tosh actually raped the girl. I mean, it’s not like he could. Look at him…he’s a power bottom twink in the gay world. And let’s be honest, he’s naked enough to where he’d get raped before anyone else. And you know what? He’d have it coming to him. That tease thinks he can just show off his chicken legs all over the place without any repercussions?
Jul 10 2012
Yesterday I wrote about how Gwen Paltrow, a woman who was born into wealth and privilege charged 90 dollars for a plain white tee. I did some further digging, and apparently she is the most annoying girl on the planet because she actually let these words escape her pencil thin lips:
One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that’s the ironic part. I’m so deeply flawed. I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard
Beyonce is the most talented human being on the planet.
“I’m just like any other regular mum; cooking, cleaning, wiping butts, picking up after kids, being a wife and helping the kids with their homework. Mind you, I’m terrible at maths. I can’t even do my six-year-old’s maths homework with her.”
By the way, this bitch isn’t British.
“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”
“I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.”
“I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year. ”
“No. I think they’re the idiot people and I’m the normal person. But I don’t really go to parties where … I don’t really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it’s incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you’re really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public.”
“I AM AFRICAN”
I know this is old news, but damn she is a pompous twat. Dare I even use the C word? I think I will. She is such a clod.
Jul 9 2012
That question is rhetorical by the way. Of course she is.
Celeb designer: Gwyneth Paltrow
Item: The Goop tee
Official Description (via goop.com): “We’ve collaborated with Kain Label, creators of the perfect tee, to create a version exclusive to goop. Inspired by tuxedo tailoring, we added grosgrain piping to the shoulders and sides, and shortened the length, modernizing this essential wardrobe staple.”
So in other words, Gwyneth Paltrow is charging almost 100 bucks for something you can literally get at 1/10th the price.
She really is living a fairytale life, isn’t she? How often do you see anorexic girls with too much space between their eyes become famous actresses with no discernable talent marrying singers who also have no discernable talent? Again a rhetorical question.
Jul 3 2012
So Tom Cruise proves he is totally straight by divorcing a hot girl half her age. Again.
But wait, there’s more!
According to TMZ, Holmes is divorcing Cruise in part because she believed he planned to send Suri away from home to a hardcore Scientology association known as Sea Organization. “Sea Org, as it is known, is where the highest levels of Scientology are taught and kids as young as five can be sent to live there … without their parents — and our sources say Tom is a big fan,” states the website. “The Sea Org has been often compared to a boot camp and several ex-Scientologists (including Oscar winner Paul Haggis) have been outspoken against its military-like conditions.”
As much as I make fun of Katie Holmes for being crazy, it’s nice to see her coming around. Her awkard teenage years just lasted 15 years longer than normal, but it’s really not a race.
What I find most disturbing is that there’s an actual “camp” that kids get “sent” to, to “learn” about “Scientology.” I’m not sure why I put so much stuff in quotes just then, but I’ve read enough history books to know that nothing good comes from sending someone to camps. Just ask someone with the last name “Feingold.”
Also take a look at this picture of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. My god he’s so short. She’s towering over him and I could easily cast Katie Holmes in my new movie “Ferngully Milfs.” It’s an indie.
Jul 2 2012
I don’t try and defend NJ. Mostly since it would be pretty damn hard to do that after reading this article:
SECAUCUS, N.J. (AP) — Dale Fjordbotten is a proud “My Little Pony” fan, with the shiny blue body suit and yellow lightning bolt, blue wings and blue tail to prove it.
Like many “Bronies” — boys and men who like the cartoon “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”— the 25-year-old college student turned out over the weekend for “BronyCon Summer 2012″ at the Meadowlands Exposition Center, which drew 4,000 men, women, boys and girls, many in colorful wigs and costumes.
“I thought about what people would say. ‘It’s creepy. It’s weird. It’s a … show for little girls,’” said Fjordbotten, from Staten Island, N.Y. “It’s just a great show … the story line, the plot, the beautiful animation.”
Bronies say they’re a misunderstood lot who’ve gotten a bad rap from the media. They’re all about the show, friendship, love and tolerance, and they have no bad intentions, they say.
I gave up trying to understand people when 50 Shades of Grey came out. Now when there’s something I don’t get, I just kinda sit and stare at it for awhile and ask myself questions that will eventually answer themselves like, “Why is that 25 year old guy wearing a unicorn horn?” “How does he have a girlfriend?” “Oh wait, is that really a girl?” “No. No it isn’t.”
May 9 2012
I was going to write about John Travolta being a weird creepy gay guy, but everybody is doing that, so that wouldn’t be very hipsterish of me. Unless I did it ironically or something. Blogging is complicated.
North Carolina just banned gay marriage…which is pretty much what you’d expect when you let a state filled with religious nut jobs vote on civil rights issues.
North Carolinians voted to change the state constitution Tuesday to say that the only valid “domestic legal partnership” in the state is marriage between a man and a woman, according to the AP’s projection. The amendment passed 61 to 39 percent with most counties reporting, making North Carolina the 29th state with a gay marriage ban in its constitution.
This is wrong. It’s insane to allow people to vote for human rights in the first place, especially when those people still believe in bible stories about men camping in a whale’s stomach and sea monsters eating sailors. In a world where we can detect Higgs particles and dark matter, we shouldn’t base our lives around what the people who still believe in fairy tales value anymore. They’re unimportant.
I only write about this because my friend’s best friend’s brother’s friend’s cousin knows a guy who likes rainbows. So this hits, like, really close to home.
May 8 2012
Miley Cyrus, whose talents have brought you things like…I think songs, right? She’s a singer i think. Well she acts too. Except nobody went to see her movie, “LOL”:
Miley Cyrus’ film “LOL,” made a total of only $46,500 this weekend, Movie City News estimates . That is just a few hundred dollars more than what “Marvel’s The Avengers” — which drew a record-breaking weekend total of more than $200 million — took inper theater: $46,100, according to MCN.
Note to Miley: if you’re going to make a movie, try not to title it after a potential Rebecca Black song.
Also the Where the Wild Things Are author died. I feel sad about this, but only because I just learned how to read and that was on my book list. Now I’ll be thinking about it, and it’ll be this whole big thing. Ugh.
RIP Maurice Sendak