Everytime we drive, we’re bombarded with idiots.  In the time I’ve spent driving, I’ve learned to deal with this fact by screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs and waving my fists in the air like Rumpelstiltskin does when he dances.  What sets me over the edge however, are the stupid bumper stickers on the backs of their cars.  It’s the same feeling I get when I watch something with Martin Lawrence in it, and I just want to smash his Tootsie Roll fingers with a sledge hammer.  My god I hate him!

Anyway.

The other day I was driving and was stuck in traffic.  There was an accident between an Asian and a woman (which just makes sense.)  As I was waiting, I looked to the car in front of me.  It was a mini-van with a Jesus Fish, but she also had this bumper sticker:

Jesus is the answer?  Well what was the question?  Jesus couldn’t possibly be the answer to every question.  Or could he?  Let’s find out.

I tried this bumper sticker’s theory.  Here is a transcribed phone conversation between a friend of mine and me the other day:

Not only did I use Jesus as my answer for everything and my friend had no clue what I was saying, but Jesus made me almost lose one of my closest friends.  Thanks for nothing, Jesus.

If you want to make Jesus or religious bumper stickers, fine.  But do so with a little integrity.  I’m not even religious and I can do better than you.  Watch:

First of all:  Even if you think this sucks, you can’t tell me that this isn’t a better solution.  Tacos rule.  If you Christians want us to come together in harmony and peace, you’ll have a much easier time doing it with tacos.  If I saw this in front of me the other day, I’d probably go to church just to see if tacos were there.  Just writing about tacos makes me hungry, and if I had this bumper sticker, I could be hungry and holy.

It doesn’t stop with this bumper sticker.  There are a lot of them that I’d give makeovers to.  Take this gem for example:

This one pisses me off because it assumes that I don’t love animals.  If anything I love animals more because they taste better.  I’m not going to make my own sticker to help you when Dr.  Seuss already said it best in his book, “Oh the Animals You’ll Eat!”  A book dedicated to all the animals raised for slaughter.

Here’s another one:

This sticker is clever because they took two letters in “Abortion” to turn it into “Adoption,” and that’s real clever and stuff.

My suggestion:

This was my first time drawing a fetus popping out of a vagina into a garbage can, so I just assumed there were little rogue globs of yellow stuff that came out, but if you want to get a person’s attention, you need to do something like this because it shows what abortion really looks like.  Personally, I don’t see this as much of a deterrent, but maybe someone will and not get an abortion.

DARE stickers have always cracked me up, mainly because I never understood the demographic behind it.  From what I know, there are only two types of people who have DARE bumper stickers:

1.  Parents who get DARE bumper stickers from their eight year old kids who just graduated.  By this time, I’m not surprised they would plaster it on their car because they’re too old to have fun anyway.

2.  Teenage stoners in hopes of being ironic.  Bless their little nonconformist hearts!

The point is if you’re going to ruin your car by putting a bumper sticker on it, the least you could do is not subject the person behind you to whatever nonsense you’re trying to preach.  It’s a road, not a church.  The same goes for elections.  Do you really think anybody who is stuck in gridlock is going to be any less annoyed if you have an Obama/ Biden sticker on your car?  Do you think people will be stuck in traffic and say, “Well at least the person in front of me isn’t eating meat!”  Do you think you’re changing people’s minds with your dumb slogans?  If your goal isn’t to be a tacky douchebag, I’d like to know what it is.