Whenever I see news about Eric Bauman my brow furrows and I ask the almighty why that sweet Anne Frank and her family in the attic had to die in the Holocaust, but the Bauman’s didn’t.  This time, it’s a bit different.

Ebaumsworld.com has always been a shitty site ever since they plagiarized their first piece, which I suspect was the very first thing they published making it shitty since its conception.  It isn’t news that Eric Bauman is a weak minded hack.  What bothers me isn’t that he creates bad material, but that he doesn’t create any material at all, and now that the company he sold out to fired him, he still doesn’t understand it.  He’s still clueless.  He’s still a weak-minded thief with no grasp of originality.

Let me back up a bit…

Years ago, back when the internet was young and innocent, when things like “The Hamster Dance” infected your email boxes like a bubonic plague, a dumpy Jew named Eric Bauman created ebaumsworld.com, a site dedicated to bringing you the funniest stuff ever.  Like ever.  In the world, man.  Over the years, as his site got more and more successful, other websites started complaining that Eric was lifting their material.  Sites that encourage fresh content, like ytmd.com, Newgrounds, Something Awful, 4chan.org, and a slew of other sites where artists work really fucking hard for free, just to have some asshole make a profit off of it.  This always annoyed me, specifically because he would deny it the way other thieves like Carlos Mencia denies plagiarism, or he would eventually get around to removing the content.  The problem is that most of his money comes from ad revenue as he generated millions of unique visits per day, so the moment he puts a new video clip up, those clips generate income for him even for however brief a period.  That’s still money he profits from those clips and flash videos.  That’s still money in his pocket while the creator gets shafted.  To top it off, he puts his watermark on everything, so not only does he not give the original creator credit, he stamps everything with the ebaumsworld.com logo and takes the credit for himself.

What amazes me about ebaumsworld is how people actually follow that suck puppet.  What amazes me even more is how fundamentally stupid his fans are.  They’re the same idiots who complain about bands like Metallica selling out.  Hey assholes:

Eric Bauman was a sell out from the very beginning, and as soon as you gave him money he sold out some more.  That’s why he got fired from his own fucking company.

That’s right, Eric Bauman was fired from his own company because he sold out to another company.  He wasn’t the first to do that, but he was the first to get fired, which is awesome.  That’s like Dave Thomas getting fired from Wendy’s.  Instead he just got cancer and died, which is way less embarrassing.

Doesn’t that bother you in the least though?  Doesn’t the fact that he hired his idiot father who arguably knows nothing about the internet and looks like a ballsack bother you?  (By the way, if you don’t want to take my word for it on how much of a douche he is, you can read his emails here.) Or, how about the fact that he is noted for stealing other people’s concepts and hasn’t written one original thing on his own?  How about the fact that he’d sell you to gypsies for peanut brittle if he could?  He squeezes every nickel and dime out of you idiots like you were retarded sponges.  Furthermore, he boasts about his new company not being able to manage things, when it seems like he’s not quite the best either.  Just look at some of the comments from his message board:

As you can see, their list of failings are long; Quite long.

Yet the people stay with him.  I’m convinced it’s some kind of witchcraft or Jewspell, if there’s even a difference between the two.  I want him off of this planet, preferably thrown into some kind of time capsule that goes through space, you know…just to see if people really can’t breathe in the vacuum of space.  Textbooks say you can’t, but I’m still not convinced.  And hey, if he does indeed die, that’s ok because we’ll still know for sure if you can or can’t breathe in space, and that’s important.

Pursuant to Megan's Law, you two should register.

Now he started another website and I hope he fails miserably just like his tv show that never materialized did.  That jackass is beyond ridiculous and if painful diseases don’t kill him, I hope an angry mob of talented artists do.

If you’re still interested.  This puts everything into perspective:
A pretty decent interview with a fat worker from Ebaumsworld.com who gets called out.

Popularity: 38%

John Travolta’s son Jett died today.  It’s tragic, but let’s face it…who didn’t see it coming?

You see, if I ever had a kid…which is a big if, because it would require me living in a place without stairs to push the girl down for nine months, I would do one important thing:  Take care of it.  And I don’t even like kids.

You see, if I ever had a kid, and my kid was diagnosed with autism and was known to have seizures, I would do something about it.  What did John Travolta do about it?  He refused medical treatment for his son, that’s what.  I want to know why everybody is so surprised that his sick kid is dead when it was public knowledge that he wasn’t doing anything rational to stop it.  News flash:  High thetan levels don’t stop seizures, medical treatment does.  Where’s your Dianetics now, asshole?

There are people on welfare; there are people who are so incredibly stupid they can barely tie their shoelaces without shitting themselves, and they still are capable of comprehending the significance of medicine.  These Scientologist idiots who are so brainwashed by the most ludicrous things have resorted to stopping medical treatment for people who really need it.  Not only that, they expect them not to die.  I’m all for people believing what they want.  If you want to believe aliens live in volcanoes and we have thetan levels that give us super powers, by all means do it.  If you want to believe medicine has no “earthly value,” or that psychiatry is bogus, go ahead.  But, if you’re willing to bury your head in the sand, don’t get so bent out of shape when your kid dies because of your ineptitude as a parent and human being.  You’re absolutely clueless, and it’s insulting to evolution.

What really gets me are all of these blogs with commenters saying, “Oh my god, what a tragedy!  Poor John Travolta and his family!”  I bet 99% of them bashed Travolta on the article a year ago when John Travolta refused to treat his kid for autism.  All of a sudden this is a surprise to you?  Are you idiots that incapable of connecting the dots to something so incredibly obvious?  John Travolta killed his kid.  He didn’t stab him in the head with a pitchfork, but he neglected to take care of him.  He is responsible for Jett’s death, and instead of feeling sorry for him, you should be pissed at him.  You should be finding ways to arrest him for killing his kid.  Or Phenomenon.  One or the other.

Negligent homicide is still homicide, and John Travolta is a child killer.  Even NAMBLA doesn’t advocate for killing kids.  You know what this means?  That John Travolta is worse than an army of pederasts.  Oh I went there!

Popularity: 21%

I think of history in very linear ways.  To get from point A to C, we must go through point B.  So in 10 years when there is another Holocaust, nuclear war, and more AIDS than ever before, we can look back and say Alec Greven was the reason for it.  He was our point B.  Alec Greven is a nine year old kid who wrote the book, “How to Talk to Girls,” which is awesome because books about developing sexual relationships are best written by virgins who can barely do long division.

"I love being white!"

Despite looking like one of those cancer kids on a St.  Jude commercial, Alec Greven makes it really hard to explore all the stupidity in his book because there’s just too much there, but if it’s any consolation, it reads like it was written by a nine year old with a brain tumor.  So there’s that.

Everything about this book is just stupid.  It’s the kind of witless humor that would make middle-aged housewives laugh.  Nothing is funny or clever.  This book is basically toilet paper that has been published and then endorsed by Ellen DeGeneres, a person who still thinks naming her pet cow “Holy” so she can say “Holy Cow,” is funny.  Take this excerpt from his book for example:

“A crush is like a love disease. It can drive you mad.”

What the hell is with all these precocious kids and their dopey metaphors?  They’re like an Emo kid’s poetry, saying pseudo profound things like, “If love was lost…would it really be there?”

Greven’s metaphor doesn’t even make sense.  A crush isn’t a love disease; this is:

It's called a genital wart, and you get them for believing in Santa!

“Be wary of ‘pretty girls.’  It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry.”

They also have really nice boobies used for kissing, massaging, and maybe putting on a puppet show, what’s your point?

Kids like Alec annoy me.  Especially ones who try to act older than they really are.  You’re eight years old, not 30.  Talking like an adult does not mean I am going to value your opinion in any substantial way.  The only thing that can make Alec more annoying in my book is if he had a British accent and used the word “fabulous” somewhere throughout his interviews.  If people honestly valued their opinions, they’d be allowed to vote. 

Fortunately enough, through some clever voice trickery…I was able to interview Alec about his book:

You don’t know what you’re talking about, so until your gonads drop, shut the hell up, Alec.

Popularity: 20%

Hi ya’ll, this is Britney Spears. Alot of ya’ll know me from my music and mtv. Well I wanna get noticed for my mind and experiences too. This is why I made me a guy to parenting. I love guys. And they loves me too. So we is gonna learn using our minds, and <3’s.

1. That baby ain’t just a child! It’s a human so treat it like one! That means baths every other day!! A clean baby aint just something you buy! Its something you do! So clean that baby. Plus babys also get things called dizzies which make thems sick. Sometimes they get so sick they gets a perfection, like an ear perfections. If they get a perfections they needs to gets the your mama right away cuz she knows how to fix it.

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Popularity: 10%

Forget everything you’ve read from me in the past. Before thesmokinggun.com can expose me as a lying fraud, I have to come clean about something. I LOVE celebrities. It’s true. I know I make fun of them, but deep down in that area between my spine and colon, I love them. To prove this, I’ve scanned a few of my celebrity autographs. To those who counted on me to back them up when they said celebrities were worthless, I apologize. I’m a fraud!

I am his #1 fan!

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Popularity: 3%