Whenever I see news about Eric Bauman my brow furrows and I ask the almighty why that sweet Anne Frank and her family in the attic had to die in the Holocaust, but the Bauman’s didn’t.  This time, it’s a bit different.

Ebaumsworld.com has always been a shitty site ever since they plagiarized their first piece, which I suspect was the very first thing they published making it shitty since its conception.  It isn’t news that Eric Bauman is a weak minded hack.  What bothers me isn’t that he creates bad material, but that he doesn’t create any material at all, and now that the company he sold out to fired him, he still doesn’t understand it.  He’s still clueless.  He’s still a weak-minded thief with no grasp of originality.

Let me back up a bit…

Years ago, back when the internet was young and innocent, when things like “The Hamster Dance” infected your email boxes like a bubonic plague, a dumpy Jew named Eric Bauman created ebaumsworld.com, a site dedicated to bringing you the funniest stuff ever.  Like ever.  In the world, man.  Over the years, as his site got more and more successful, other websites started complaining that Eric was lifting their material.  Sites that encourage fresh content, like ytmd.com, Newgrounds, Something Awful, 4chan.org, and a slew of other sites where artists work really fucking hard for free, just to have some asshole make a profit off of it.  This always annoyed me, specifically because he would deny it the way other thieves like Carlos Mencia denies plagiarism, or he would eventually get around to removing the content.  The problem is that most of his money comes from ad revenue as he generated millions of unique visits per day, so the moment he puts a new video clip up, those clips generate income for him even for however brief a period.  That’s still money he profits from those clips and flash videos.  That’s still money in his pocket while the creator gets shafted.  To top it off, he puts his watermark on everything, so not only does he not give the original creator credit, he stamps everything with the ebaumsworld.com logo and takes the credit for himself.

What amazes me about ebaumsworld is how people actually follow that suck puppet.  What amazes me even more is how fundamentally stupid his fans are.  They’re the same idiots who complain about bands like Metallica selling out.  Hey assholes:

Eric Bauman was a sell out from the very beginning, and as soon as you gave him money he sold out some more.  That’s why he got fired from his own fucking company.

That’s right, Eric Bauman was fired from his own company because he sold out to another company.  He wasn’t the first to do that, but he was the first to get fired, which is awesome.  That’s like Dave Thomas getting fired from Wendy’s.  Instead he just got cancer and died, which is way less embarrassing.

Doesn’t that bother you in the least though?  Doesn’t the fact that he hired his idiot father who arguably knows nothing about the internet and looks like a ballsack bother you?  (By the way, if you don’t want to take my word for it on how much of a douche he is, you can read his emails here.) Or, how about the fact that he is noted for stealing other people’s concepts and hasn’t written one original thing on his own?  How about the fact that he’d sell you to gypsies for peanut brittle if he could?  He squeezes every nickel and dime out of you idiots like you were retarded sponges.  Furthermore, he boasts about his new company not being able to manage things, when it seems like he’s not quite the best either.  Just look at some of the comments from his message board:

As you can see, their list of failings are long; Quite long.

Yet the people stay with him.  I’m convinced it’s some kind of witchcraft or Jewspell, if there’s even a difference between the two.  I want him off of this planet, preferably thrown into some kind of time capsule that goes through space, you know…just to see if people really can’t breathe in the vacuum of space.  Textbooks say you can’t, but I’m still not convinced.  And hey, if he does indeed die, that’s ok because we’ll still know for sure if you can or can’t breathe in space, and that’s important.

Pursuant to Megan's Law, you two should register.

Now he started another website and I hope he fails miserably just like his tv show that never materialized did.  That jackass is beyond ridiculous and if painful diseases don’t kill him, I hope an angry mob of talented artists do.

If you’re still interested.  This puts everything into perspective:
A pretty decent interview with a fat worker from Ebaumsworld.com who gets called out.

Popularity: 38%

It seems my article on breastfeeding has gotten so popular that producers from Dr.  Phil invited me onto their show to discuss my thoughts and opinions on public breastfeeding.

From: XXXXXXXX, XXX <XXXXXXXXXX@cbsparamount.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 12, 2009 at 9:13 PM
Subject: Dr. Phil Show
To: freaksafari@gmail.com
Hello,
I am a producer with the Dr. Phil Show and we are currently working on a show regarding the debate centered on women breastfeeding in public and putting photos on Facebook, which the site does not allow and has resulted in s me protests by a group of mothers.
I read your piece:
http://www.freaksafari.com/breastfeeding
I was wondering if you might want to share your views on the show. Please let me know as soon as you get this. My number here is 323-XXX-XXXX. Thank you for your consideration.

When I got this email, I originally thought it was a joke because nobody in their right mind would read one of my articles and get any true insight from them, let alone take them seriously.  It would be like getting life advice from Bugs Bunny.  And even though I do think public breastfeeding is repulsive on practically every level (unless you replace the baby with my mouth, and those disgusting boobs with tits that look like something other than eggs with cracked yolks) the fact that somebody took what I said to heart amuses me.  And this happens every day.

My next step was to determine if this was in fact a joke, so I got my secretary to call the number to confirm its authenticity.  As it turns out, it was 100% authentic, and they invited me on the show.

After hearing this, I was figuring out ways to fuck with Dr.  Phil.  I already knew exactly why they would want someone like me on the show.  Shows like Dr.  Phil, Tyra Banks, Maury, etc…they all need the “bad guy.”  They need someone with a male chauvinistic viewpoint for the menopausal audience members to boo at.  I was all for this, because really, having 40 year old housewives barking at me would just make my day.  As far as comedy goes, they’re the easiest targets and I could easily hold my own.

Except, I can’t.

See, I was thinking about the things I would say, my approach to saying them, and the manner in how I would present myself.  All of which would be absurd.  The thought of some feminist yelling at me while I sit there calmly asking, “Shouldn’t you wait until your kid is old enough to say ‘no’ before you breastfeed him, because that’s like rape, isn’t it?”  Or, “isn’t it a bit disrespectful to the guys who want to see nice boobs while they eat?”

All of that would just get edited out because of one thing:  Dr.  Phil is a giant douchebag.

Seriously, he is a bald-headed toolbag who isn’t even a licensed doctor.  He’s a scam artist who has a dumb show that people take way too seriously.  That whole walking down the aisle with his wife to prove some point about how his life is so stable and complete is total bullshit.  He is the opposite of stable and complete.  Every author chronicling his life discusses how he basically had to beg his second wife not to divorce him.  Yes, that’s right, his second wife…he had another marriage in the 70’s, which ultimately got annulled.  And I didn’t even get into him fucking his patients yet, which was the catalyst that made it so he can’t practice as a legitimate psychologist.  This is the guy who holds himself so high on a pedestal?  This is the same guy who endorses weight loss products, being borderline obese himself.  This is the guy you want counseling your marriage?  What is he doing endorsing weight loss products anyway?  He’s not a medical doctor; he got a PhD from the University of North Texas.  He isn’t a psychiatrist; he was a psychologist, and a shitty one at that.  He has no authority to talk about losing weight, and the fact that he got sued over his products not even working proves it.

His advice isn’t even good.  I was watching some of his shows, and his advice was simple, contrived at best:

Blow me, Dr.  Phil.  You can take your bad advice, weight loss bullshit, history shrouded in controversy, and show with declining ratings and stick it up your redneck ass.  My site may not be the most sophisticated site on this planet.  It may not be the most couth, well-written, funny, or anything resembling something good and decent…but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some jackass without a clue bitch to me about what a horrible person I am, all the while being completely oblivious about his own life.  My standards aren’t exactly at a Mt.  Everest high, and if you don’t meet them, that’s pretty sad.

Popularity: 29%

So I was surfing the internet for some porn when I accidentally typed, “Girl getting face raped with a pencil,” a typo that should’ve been “Standard missionary sex with the lights off.”  I promise.

This embarrassing typo took me to this girl’s blog. Meet “bleeding heart.”

Cutting isn't going to make you more attractive. Try anorexia.

The internet is known for two things:  porn and a place for whiny teenagers to vent.  If you’re lucky, some blogs have kids called “cutters” who write.  A cutter is essentially when a person, usually a girl who listens to too much Linkin Park, cuts themselves because they’re sad about really important teenager things.  Like boys and passing remedial algebra.  Cutters represent a level of attention whoring that I find repulsive.  “Oh, I’m so depressed!  Nobody likes me.”  Maybe the fact that you go to a psychiatrist because you’re slicing chunks out of your skin to get attention has something to do with it?  You know what else is a good way to get attention?  Try this:

It’s amazing how easy that was.  And you don’t need a razor, webcam, and a blog to do it.  Stop whoring for attention, you dumb bitch.

But you know what, “bleeding heart?”  You won’t do that.  You love the attention from all those other losers commenting on your blog, don’t you?  You love the “I’m here for you” comments that fill up your inbox from the barely pubescent internet tumors posting on your blog.  All that is way better and more proactive than something like losing weight, showering, and applying makeup with something other than a stapler.

I don’t understand why this bitch is so surprised people make fun of her.  When you say things like “I don’t show my emotions…not even to myself,” in a post entitled, “Cutting Again,” what do you expect people to think of you?  Let’s get this fact out of the way:

You are the perfect example of an attention whore.  Want to know how I know?  If you’re going to write about how ugly you are and still post a picture of your mug (which by the way…eerily resembles a Julia Styles cloning experiment gone incredibly wrong), you’re the epitome of a self-righteous slut, void of even the most basic concept of self-reflection.

You also made this post:

First of all, I’m not quite sure what a “lumb” is, but I find it funny how you can be worried about “breast lumbs” and fail to notice how every time you cut your chunky arm or leg, you approach vital veins and arteries that will kill you within minutes.  I know you’re not used to thinking, but you should try it sometime.  Maybe try cutting the breast “lumb” out?

Cut the drama.  Idiots.

She closes with this:

Oh well...

I give her a week before she starts again.

Popularity: 21%

My experiences with breastfeeding are few and far between, but I think I can speak for every guy and girl who shaves her armpits and doesn’t drink chai when I say we’re not interested.  Keep your milk hams to yourselves.

The other day I was out to dinner with a friend of mine.  We were talking and I looked over at this Indian family sitting next to us.  Moments later, their baby started crying (I have that effect on kids.)  Now, any normal mother would try and calm down a child; a courteous mother would even step outside with her child so nobody else in the restaurant had to listen to it cry.  I looked over to this mother to see how she was choosing to resolve this.  What I saw resembled something like this drawing:

One of the few times when an Indian's curry smell isn't the biggest turn off.

This woman just whipped her boob out and started breastfeeding in front of everyone.  This initial level of disgust was the high point and quickly fleeting when I saw what the baby was eating from.  It was the breast equivalent of Siamese Twins attached at the ear.  She had areolas the size of tennis rackets.  There were about 12 things wrong with her tits and I was repulsed.  As the aroma of bile permeated through my throat, I started thinking about two things:
1.  How I can’t finish my meal.

2.  How I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t like boobs anymore.

The concept of breastfeeding a child doesn’t bother me as much as it’s the fact that women choose to do it in public.  I have no idea why you would think this is acceptable, but the reality is you’re grossing out more people than you realize.  And your tits are ugly.

I was recently introduced to an entire subculture of women who not only breast feed, but have breastfeeding parties, and videotape themselves breastfeeding and posting them on YouTube.  There are thousands of these kinds of videos, and they’re all equally disgusting.

Every video has some really ugly girl popping out one of her tits like it was Pez and having her baby chow down.  When those kids grow up, how do you think they’re going to feel knowing that there are videos of them sucking their obese mother’s breasts circulating throughout the internet?  I would probably buy a sword and give my mother a mastectomy.

Earthy mothers love to breast feed in public.  When they’re not growing body hair, they’re breast feeding children in public.  These are the types of women who go against everything good and decent in this world.  And your tits are UGLY.

Seriously, once you have kids, there’s a chunk of time when you’re not capable of being thought of as a sexual creature.   This is the time when your breasts hang low to your stomach and the nipples have stretched out like William Wallace on the rack.  Breastfeeding is to boobs, what England is to teeth.  Ironically this is also the time when it’s legal, or at the very least socially acceptable, for you to whip your tits out…but god forbid two hot women are allowed to do jumping jacks in a park without shirts.  This country has the whole thing backwards.

Popularity: 20%

In what world would people think turning vampires into nice undead people is entertaining?  For the record, we already have nice pale people.  They’re called the Irish.

Vampires are unholy demons of the night that ruthlessly tear out chunks of your neck to suck up your blood for sustenance.  Unless I missed something important, that doesn’t leave much room for feelings. So who in the world would write a story like this?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr baby!

Stephenie Meyer is the writer of the “Twilight” series, and according to the picture,  she also likes to get mauled by bears in her free time.

Let’s get one thing straight, Stephenie:

Vampires aren’t nice.  They aren’t cute or friendly.  They don’t make people happy and talk about their feelings.  A true vampire would use your neck as a water fountain, and he would too because you suck.  She’s a Mormon and I firmly believe that only a Mormon could take something as inherently cool as skinning flesh and draining blood and turn it into some sappy romantic nonsense.

Stephenie Meyer is in desperate need of a wakeup call.  Luckily, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll give you a lesson on what makes a vampire good.  There are three steps to making a vampire not lame:

Step 1:  Watch 30 Days of Night.

If you ignore the 20 minutes of Josh Hartnett saying, “I’m sorry” all the time, you’ll see ruthless vampires running amok in a small Alaskan town where the sun won’t rise for 30 days.  Take a look at these guys:

They just ate a puppy, and didn't care!

Now take a look at yours:

"My ovaries hurt!"

…and note the difference.  In 30 Days of Night, it looks like they were ruining people’s shit and have blood all over their face for the pure fun of it.  In yours, it looks like he’s genuinely concerned about something and has a wonky left eye.

Step 2:  Make your vampires and plot somewhat coherent.

It’s amazing your story didn’t end without aliens abducting teleporting frogs from Egypt with all the plot holes and inconsistencies in your story.  In your story, vampires don’t need to drink human blood and can not only go out in the daytime, but they glitter in it (seriously.)  I thought I could go my entire life without hearing the words “glitter” and “vampire” in the same sentence, but you just had to be a bitch.  The whole point of vampires is that they are nocturnal creatures who can’t go out in the daytime.  Also, the lead vampire meets the girl in school.  Why the hell would a vampire be in high school anyway?

Step 3:  Vampires should not be pedophiles.

I’ll make this brief, but your cutesy vampire is 108 years old, and the girl is 17.  I know you’re Mormon and used to that kind of thing, but it’s never cute.  Stop turning vampires into pedophiles, Stephenie Meyer.  They kill children.  They don’t have sex with them.

That’s it.  If you follow those three extremely simple rules, you should have no problem.  If you’ve done your work, Stephenie Meyer, after an apology, your next novel and movie should start out with Bella getting hacked with an axe.  The rest of the story should consist of her crying as she gets eaten, a town burning, and boobs.

Popularity: 13%