I had the strangest debate the other day with a friend of mine.  We were talking about the different prices of human skin that could be sold on the black market and which type would be worth more.  The conversation started out very civilly, like most conversations about selling human skin do, but then it took a turn for the worst and we started yelling at each other about which type of skin would be worth more. 

My argument was this:

Brazilian skin is probably the most valuable, black skin is probably the least valuable.  You see, Brazilians all have really nice skin.  Unless they have some kind of weird fungal disease growing out of their pores, generally speaking, Brazilians are the most beautiful people on this planet and their skin is nearly flawless.  There are way too many black people breeding, so I doubt that their skin could be worth that much since there’s such an abundance of it.  There is also a higher risk of it going bad due to the myriad of diseases in Africa.  It would just make sense that black people have the least valuable skin.

Her rebuttal:

Brazilians?  Are you mad?  You’re not focusing on the greater aspects of what makes skin nice.  Durability comes to mind.  Look at Asian skin.  It’s flexible, durable, smooth, and has an exotic yellow-y color.  In my mind that’s worth way more than Brazilian skin.  Asians are mystical people, Rob!  And who are you kidding, white people cover this planet.  Their skin is worth the least. 

My retort:

It’s obvious that someone gave you a bowl of “Hit your brain with a sledgehammer” this morning for breakfast because you’re 100% wrong.  Black people are rampant in Africa, Jess.  They’re ubiquitous.  Like air or something.  The only way black people skin could ever be worth anything is if a company like De Beers existed and created an artificial market by hoarding all of the black people and their skin like they did with the diamonds in Sierra Leone.  It’s impossible.  White Americans are worth more because more people want them dead.  So, they obviously have a higher price tag, wouldn’t you say?  Haven’t you ever seen Hostel?

Jess’ ramble:

Rob, that makes some sense, but you’re not factoring in the exoticness of black people skin.

My answer:

You’re black, Jess.  They’re not exactly uncommon in America.  Just go to a White Castle.

Jess says:

Ok fine, but I still don’t think Brazilians are the be all/ end all of human skin pricing.  If anything there would have to be some kind of value assigned to the person.  For example:  Dick Cheney’s skin would be worth more than mine.  And Rihanna’s skin would be worth more than yours.  You see?  It’s all about who’s attached to it.

My reply:

Rihanna before she got beat up by Chris Brown or after?  I think my skin would be worth more than hers only because it’s all broken and bloody now.  Right?

Jess:

Fine then Kanye West’s.

My acumen:

Interesting.  Although I still disagree, I think you can generalize a group of people and still have their skin be worth a significant amount more than another group of people.  Like take for instance Jewish people skin.  Who would want that over, say, an albino’s skin?

Jess:

Excellent point, an albino’s skin would be worth more because it’s a lot more rare and isn’t divided by race, ethnicity, culture, or anything of the like.  It’s just a disease!!

Me:

So albino it is then.

Jess:

YAY!

So we debated this for a good 30 minutes until the next day I am sent this article:

See? They're just like us except very very different!

It seems that there is a skin we never even thought of before, and that is African albino skin.  It makes perfect sense.  And not only is their skin, in Jess and my opinion, the most valuable, it’s also the most sought after human skin known to man, especially to African witchdoctors who think choppng of their limbs will bring fortune to their tribes.  This is why there are groups of people who literally hunt these poor Africans albinos and sell their skin, or use it to make drums or something.  I’m not really sure. Sillies.

Freak Safari has never been the pinnacle of normalcy, but I invite my readers into this discussion because I’m genuinely curious about what kind of human skin would be more of an investment to own.  If you were to go into like a candy store that sold human skin…instead of candy, which would be worth the most and why?  Counterpoint, which would be the cheapest skin and why?

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Hey goodlooking, want to see our robot for the 2.0.9 competition?

My friend BC Woods over at Dunce Upon A Time liveblogs Battlestar Galactica every week.  While I would rather see him enjoying his 20’s with women, alcohol, and something other than a calculator and books on String Theory, I know that it’s too late to change him.  I know he’s going to lose his virginity to a RealDoll, and I know he’s going to spend his weekends listening to country music while fantasizing about centaurs, reverse mermaids and their falling empire due to a wrinkle in time.  You know, real normal stuff like that.  I can’t win this fight or change him…but I can hope to prevent this from happening to another person. 

I intend to live blog BC Woods liveblogging Battlestar Galactica, so I can post his weirdness for posterity.  Send it to your children.  Send it to your children’s children.  By everything holy and necessary in this world, educate your fellow man on the possibilities of what could be.  Your kid could be like BC Woods.

By your leave, BC:

I think Kara is a humanoid Cylon. Now, hear me out!

It should be noted that I’ve never seen this show once in my life, so I don’t know what a Cylon is.  It could be something important to you, BC…but to me it’s just another way of reminding people you’re still a virgin. 

 So I think Starbuck is part of a third faction that is trying to unite the humans and Cylons together. Remember, we haven’t yet met the faction that is responsible for Head Six and Head Baltar.

BC, it isn’t too late.  It hasn’t started yet.  You can STILL change the channel and do something interesting.  You don’t have to do this.  You can still turn back.

 Zarak just hit orange suit in the head with a wrench. See what kind of people you’re dealing with Gaeta? Do you see? Zarak has assured him that it wasn’t going to be the last person he killed. Oh God Zarak, you are so full of fucking bullshit. Listen to him pontificate about how good he is at revolution. Uh, if you’re the same Tom Zarak as before we met you on a prison ship ya asshole.

BC, are posts like this really necessary?  Or are they kind of over-the-top extra posts that target a very specific niche that nobody cares about…like those people who do sign language at elementary school plays for deaf parents?  Unnecessary.

Also, if you didn’t see it at the top of the liveblog IamRob is liveblogging me liveblogging Battlestar Galactica. I don’t know why he’s doing this, but it’s just meta enough that I find if funny. If someone who is reading this has a blog could you please liveblog Rob liveblogging me and tell me about it? And maybe, just maybe can you organize yourselves so that everyone with a blog is liveblogging someone else who is liveblogging me? I think that could be tremendously nuts and hilarious.

Dude, this show is fucking terrible, BC.  This is just awful.  I feel like I’ve seen these actors before.  Yes I’m sure of it.  Oh wait, no…they were the apes in Congo.  My bad.  And for everyone who reads this.  BC Woods loves getting porn in his email.  So send it to him at brandoncwoods@gmail.com.

I don’t know why I don’t have nerd friends though. All my friends are assholes. Like Rob. I guess you seek out what you grew up with.

Ok so now BC Woods is calling me an asshole for doing this.  I’m doing this for humanity, BC.  This is to prevent other people from following in your footsteps.  And from what I’ve read of your website, if you were seeking out what you grew up with, wouldn’t you be seeking out pregnant psycho-super cunt demons?

Now she’s talking about whether or not there is something between them. Was it her? No. It was a Cylon thing. Programming. Now someone has put a black bag over Ander’s head and they’re all beating the crap out of him. That chick is still hot though.

BC is talking a lot about the show.  The characters all have weird names…like they were creatures in a Zelda game.  This show is so fucking terrible.  I can’t understand how someone who writes so well and has legitimately interesting stories is fascinated by something so bad.  And what the hell is a Cylon?  Are they the equivalent of a Psychlo from the equally bad sci-fi movie, Battlefield Earth?

And please.  You don’t think any chick is hot…unless it has the body of a fish or some weird unicorn horn thing going on.

Athena is feeding baby Hera. I can’t wait to see where this horrible mess is going. Helo is buttoning his uniform. The mutineers barged in. They have a gun on Helo. A guy from Pegasus wants to beat up Helo for killing that guy who was going to rape his wife. Now he has been knocked unconscious. Helo is my favorite actor on this show.

BC, why does everyone sound like they’re biting the air when they talk in this show?  Only 30 minutes left of this awful shit.

Gaeta is watching his lover leave. Oh you cold fish. How do you think this is going to end up?

With you still not having sex?

Third commercial break. I should ask Rob if there’s a way where the words can become visible on Dunce as I type them. I’m going to go ahead and guess that’s not possible because of the incredible amount of bandwidth it would require but it would still be pretty cool. I wish I had time to check what Rob is saying, but I must keep typing. Type type type. Typetty type type type.

It’s possible, but why?  Nobody cares enough about this show for me to put the time into it.

I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in this show, but I can say with 100% certainty that absolutely nothing interesting is going, despite what you read on BC’s blog. 

How could you possibly like these characters anyway?  They’re either whispering all the time, biting air and sounding like the movie theater previews guy, or just wallowing around the spaceship.  If that even is a space ship.  It looks like a sewer.

I really have a feeling we’re going to see a LOT of people die this episode.

If by “die” you mean, “Do absolutely nothing for an hour and play grabass with each other,” then you may be onto something.

But to put things into perspective:

Kill count: 0
Homosexual Activity count: 112

Spent casings all over the floor. Lots of people are dying.

Are we watching the same show?  Nobody died.  I heard a gunshot, but it came from a woman so you know she missed.  In fact, I rewound it just to be sure.  Yep, nobody died.  Your big hands type big lies!

EDIT:  This show is getting good.  I just saw a…oh wait.  Nevermind, it was a commercial for the new Call of Duty game.

Death Count is still 0 as far as I’m concerned, BC.  This show was absolutely horrendous.  It was like a soap opera taking place in space.  How do you sleep at night?  Probably in Star Wars pajamas.

YES! YES THE ADMIRAL AND THE PRESIDENT ARE KISSING! I HAVE WAITED ALL MY FUCKING LIFE FOR THIS SINGLE MOMENT. SLIDE SOME TONGUE… OKAY OR JUST HUG… I’LL ADMIT I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS BEST.

Your level of nerd is unprecedented.  In three words:  I hate you.  In another three:  Get a girl.  In two more:  You suck.

And just think, I could’ve been much happier watching the Suite Life of Zack and Cody than this shit.

Popularity: 19%

I’ve tried very hard not to talk about the recession, the state of the economy, or anything having to do with words like “Bail,” “out,” “George Bush,” and “Shoe.”  It’s been done thousands of times before, and it’s infecting the media like it were Andrew Beckett’s T-Cells.  Wokka Wokka Wokka!

But one of my cars unexpectedly died today, so naturally my friends were telling me that I could buy any car as long as it was American.  One of my friends is also a CEO of a large company, and has been known to outsource from time to time.  This friend also owns a Porsche and BMW.  While the rationale of his argument is reasonable, his execution wasn’t.  Then, I turned on the news, and there was one fellow who looked eerily similar to Ron Jeremy telling me that people who buy foreign cars were bad Americans.  He ironically broadcasted this on the BBC.  So, while American cars are good enough to utilize, clearly our communication network isn’t.  Let’s get one thing straight:

America is a free market capitalism, and you can’t just pick and choose which products you’ll buy that are foreign and still maintain that holier than thou integrity without coming off like a royal jackass.  It’s so obnoxious that even engaging in this conversation makes me feel dirty.  Do you know how hard it is to type “free market capitalism,” without hating yourself?

I fully understand that the car market is going under just like I fully understand that Amy Winehouse has nipples that resemble decaying mushrooms.  But don’t tell me that I’m a bad American for choosing to buy a foreign car in America when there is Wal Mart selling a toaster for five dollars at the expense of 30 Vietnamese kindergarteners who have probably already lost their ass cherries.  Not only that, if you are under some kind of assumption that companies like Ford don’t have manufacturing centers outside of the US, you’re wrong.  They have parts made in foreign countries to get assembled into the United States, just like Toyota does.  You can argue that a lot more work is done in America and more money will ultimately circulate within our borders, but where do you draw the line?  Companies are still giving jobs to foreigners while simultaneously raping you in the ass.  The only difference is now they’ve found a way to make you feel guilty about it.

If you have a friend who bitches to you about buying a foreign car, ask him where his shirt came from.  Ask him if he plays Nintendo Wii or ever watched an episode of Voltron.  You don’t want me to buy a foreign car?  Ok, then stop buying their clothes, televisions, computers, phones, candy, medicine, video games, alcohol, and if you’re into this kind of thing:  Panty vending machines.  Better yet, stop the companies you hold so dear from manufacturing crap overseas or start having the unions protect the actual people and create flexibility where they can create a smart competition for the Toyota workers in the country.  The idea that you can somehow pick and choose what is acceptable from foreign companies is ludicrous, especially when our entire economic system is based on that being acceptable.  By buying a foreign car, I’m doing the most American thing I can do, and I don’t care what some redneck from Iowa thinks.

Another thing, price isn’t the sole reason people buy foreign cars.  People buy foreign cars because for the most part, American cars are inferior.  They break down and genuinely suck.  Ford has had more breakdowns than Britney Spears.  If you want this to stop, bitching to people buying a Mercedes isn’t going to help.  Getting companies like GM to make good cars is.

Popularity: 15%

We can handle Ms. Frizzle’s craziness. We can handle her pet iguana. We can even handle the fact that she never wears a bra to school and her lopsided boobs are distracting. What we can’t handle, however, are her crazy field trips!

Today we are going to learn about sex education. I don’t know if we’re prepared for what the Friz has in store for us.

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The Rorschach ink blot test is a test done for psychological evaluation. There are only 10 of them in the test. I personally think the test is bullshit, so what I’ve done is taken some ink blots and written about what I see.

“Raise your hand if you have AIDS? YAY!”

E.T. Getting shot by Homeland Security after Phoning Home.

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Popularity: 2%