Science fiction has always been an interesting topic to me, mainly because with any semblance of imagination one can create a world and add their own laws to it.  An author can create new rules, change the concept of physics and gravity as they see fit.  They can make chicks with three boobs make sense.

This is why when I see movies like “Push” coming out, I scratch my head and ask, “why?”  In a genre where there is an infinite supply of potential ideas that can stretch as far as the imagination can go, Hollywood is pumping out the same tired formula.  Trust me you guys, we’ve seen “Push” before.  Remember this?

Or this?

Or this?

Or this?

Or this?

Or this?

Not only that, but “Push” directly steals concepts from Stephen King.  The term “Pushing,” which is being able to manipulate people’s minds, started with King’s “Firestarter.”  It’s a blatant rip-off.  So my question is this:  Why?  Why are you regurgitating the same tired formula?  I haven’t seen this movie yet, because I don’t need to see this movie to know what’s going to happen.  Every one of these stories follows the same pattern:

1. The main character is usually a naïve, and for the most part, unlikable idiot who accidentally stumbled onto his powers and has no idea what’s going on.
2. The main character accidentally befriends someone who seems to know everything about their powers.
3. There is a top secret government agency who wants to use the power of these people for some undisclosed reason.
4. Ultimately, the group of people with powers wins thanks to the main character.

So really, if “Push” is any different than this, I’d be amazed.  Get some originality, because I’ve seen this story.  Many times.

What annoys me the most about these kinds of movies is that the characters are so one-dimensional and idiotic.  If you have the power to control thoughts, telekinesis, or anything remotely similar to that, regular humans should never be a problem.  It’s like a bug going against a river of DDT.  Oh some agent in sunglasses is bothering you?  Why don’t you telekinetically blow his nuts up?  It’s so simple.  Same with that idiot in “Jumper.”  “Oh my God, that black man is after me!  Boo hoo!”  Why don’t you just teleport him into the vacuum of space and leave him there?  If you guys are the next stage of evolution, the least you could do is not act like a complete and total failure.

What would those secret government agencies even do with those characters anyway?  What could they do?  Say hypothetically the agency catches one of these magic kids.  Now what?  You have to contain them, and you already spent so much time trying to acquire them, good luck getting them to stay.  The logistics are overwhelmingly not in their favor, and that’s before the agent has to put up with Chris Evans. I would probably quit because he reeks of douche.

Get some originality.

Popularity: 18%

Today a snowstorm hit New Jersey rendering it completely useless.  Actually it was completely useless before the snowstorm hit, but now it’s completely useless with a lot of snow on the ground.  Because I refuse to shovel and waving my fists in the air demanding that the sun melt the snow doesn’t work, I have decided to stay in and watch Battlefield Earth on television.  I’ve heard so many things about this movie, like how it’s the worst movie ever to exist, how it’s the cinematic equivalent of AIDS, or how if you watch it a phone will ring and you will die seven days later from a girl who comes out of the television.  I’ve been meaning to see this movie for the longest time just because of the epic badness I hear about it.  Now I have nothing else planned, so it’s as good a time as any.

I don’t know what I just watched, but I think it was a mixture of rape and bullshit. I don’t know how much of this movie I understood, because frankly, I was spacing out after I found out that there were humans in 3000A.D who worshipped stars…so if my facts were a little incorrect I apologize. This movie makes my head hurt, but it may have been from when I banged my head on the desk every time someone said “leverage,” in the movie. Either way, this was a piece of shit.

Popularity: 20%

In what world would people think turning vampires into nice undead people is entertaining?  For the record, we already have nice pale people.  They’re called the Irish.

Vampires are unholy demons of the night that ruthlessly tear out chunks of your neck to suck up your blood for sustenance.  Unless I missed something important, that doesn’t leave much room for feelings. So who in the world would write a story like this?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr baby!

Stephenie Meyer is the writer of the “Twilight” series, and according to the picture,  she also likes to get mauled by bears in her free time.

Let’s get one thing straight, Stephenie:

Vampires aren’t nice.  They aren’t cute or friendly.  They don’t make people happy and talk about their feelings.  A true vampire would use your neck as a water fountain, and he would too because you suck.  She’s a Mormon and I firmly believe that only a Mormon could take something as inherently cool as skinning flesh and draining blood and turn it into some sappy romantic nonsense.

Stephenie Meyer is in desperate need of a wakeup call.  Luckily, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll give you a lesson on what makes a vampire good.  There are three steps to making a vampire not lame:

Step 1:  Watch 30 Days of Night.

If you ignore the 20 minutes of Josh Hartnett saying, “I’m sorry” all the time, you’ll see ruthless vampires running amok in a small Alaskan town where the sun won’t rise for 30 days.  Take a look at these guys:

They just ate a puppy, and didn't care!

Now take a look at yours:

"My ovaries hurt!"

…and note the difference.  In 30 Days of Night, it looks like they were ruining people’s shit and have blood all over their face for the pure fun of it.  In yours, it looks like he’s genuinely concerned about something and has a wonky left eye.

Step 2:  Make your vampires and plot somewhat coherent.

It’s amazing your story didn’t end without aliens abducting teleporting frogs from Egypt with all the plot holes and inconsistencies in your story.  In your story, vampires don’t need to drink human blood and can not only go out in the daytime, but they glitter in it (seriously.)  I thought I could go my entire life without hearing the words “glitter” and “vampire” in the same sentence, but you just had to be a bitch.  The whole point of vampires is that they are nocturnal creatures who can’t go out in the daytime.  Also, the lead vampire meets the girl in school.  Why the hell would a vampire be in high school anyway?

Step 3:  Vampires should not be pedophiles.

I’ll make this brief, but your cutesy vampire is 108 years old, and the girl is 17.  I know you’re Mormon and used to that kind of thing, but it’s never cute.  Stop turning vampires into pedophiles, Stephenie Meyer.  They kill children.  They don’t have sex with them.

That’s it.  If you follow those three extremely simple rules, you should have no problem.  If you’ve done your work, Stephenie Meyer, after an apology, your next novel and movie should start out with Bella getting hacked with an axe.  The rest of the story should consist of her crying as she gets eaten, a town burning, and boobs.

Popularity: 13%

It was a quiet night. The trees were still, like the sea after a violent tempest. The wind barely hissed throughout the midnight sky, while the moon shone down onto the serene world below. All the children were in bed. All the policemen were policing. The drunkards, vomiting. But there was one little Indian not in his convenience store. There was one little Indian not selling Slushies and Cheeze-Wiz nachos. This little Indian is M. Night Shamallaylalyan. This little Indian was writing.

Out of every writer in Hollywood, M. Night Shamielqqyan is the one who needs to stop writing the most. He’s been given more chances than Joan Rivers has had plastic surgeries and has still failed to produce anything remotely decent. I don’t want to dwell on this guy’s lack of talent because the critics have already done that, but I do want to do my best to let people understand just how bad he is in practical terms. And since his latest release, “The Happening,” has been slammed down by every person with three out of five senses working, I figure it’s a more than appropriate time to do it.

I’ve made the argument about how bad M. Night Jamiroquai was many times. I can count the people who have tried to put me down Old Yeller style like Leonidas could count the Persians attacking at Thermopylae. The argument inevitably trails off into “Well, the twist in the 6th sense was unprecedented.”

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Popularity: 16%

Contrary to popular belief, Halloween isn’t just a time for sticking razor blades in chocolate, costumes, and child rape, it’s also about movies, which is why I have compiled a list of horror movies that are necessary for every Halloween to be a complete success.

1. The Ring.

This is a perfect example to show how horror movies shouldn’t be. This movie is about a mopey blonde woman who encounters a tape that will kill you seven days after you watch it. Want to know what’s on the scary tape?

An image of a woman brushing her hair. Intimidating, I know.

So after she watches the tape, her phone rings with a voice that says, “Seven Days.” Once she realizes that the tape does in fact kill you, she watches the tape again.

And again.

…and again.

Then shows her ex-husband.

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Popularity: 3%