DragonForce is the product of one of those tangential universes.  The creation of this universe (that was predicted in the bible by the way) is known as “Eklah Durahm Naudia”…which I think roughly translates to “Musical Diabetes.”

DragonForce is a rock band that plays “Fantasy Power Speed Metal.”  If you don’t know what means, it means they’re taking rock music and giving it estrogen and tampons, which is the last thing music needs…especially in a world with people like Ani Difranco and John Mayer.  Every song has this “dingy” sound.  It’s as if they’re taking Iron Maiden songs and playing them through a pinball machine.  It’s obnoxious.

Basically what I’m saying is that DragonForce is to Rock Music as Kids are to Porn.  They’re both revolting.

Here are five reasons why DragonForce is ruining rock music:

1.  The lead guitarist’s name is Herman.

I think we can all agree that Herman Li is the goofiest name in rock music since Idelwild’s Roddy Woomble.  I can’t knock his look too much because he’s Asian and for some reason that makes it funny to me.  Let’s just say that if you’re going to start a band, change your name to anything except Herman.  Or Roddy Woomble.

2.  The Band’s name is DragonForce.

It doesn’t even sound like a band name, it sounds like the name of an ultimate action adventure group for a kid’s television program.  I don’t know what it is about 80’s hair metal revivalists naming their bands after dragons and demons, but cut the shit out.  You’re singing about Leprechauns and Eagles.  When the word “unicorn” comes up in your lyrics, you can’t be hardcore anymore.  It’s a rule.

3.  They can’t execute any of their music live.

If you’ve listened to DragonForce, you know that their music is fairly complex.  There’s a lot of double lead solos, everything is fast paced, that drummer is doing the double bass “thumpa thumpa thumpa” thing.  It’s not the easiest music in the world to play.  In fact, their music is so complicated that not even DragonForce can play it.  I don’t recommend it, but if you need to go to one of their shows to see for yourself, you’ll know what I mean.  Here’s just one video from YouTube:

4.  My seven year old nephew knows who they are.

There is something about a kid coming up to you saying, “Rob, I can play ‘Through the Fire and Flames on easy,’” that’s disconcerting.  I don’t think it’s the fact that DragonForce was a premiered song on Guitar Hero 3 as much as it is that it’s the only song besides “Barracuda” by Heart that he remembers from it.  In other words: when a seven year old likes your music, you suck.

5.  They have “those” fans.

"So cool I wear my DragonForce shirt to their concert to let everyone know I'm a fan!"

You know exactly what I’m talking about too.  If you don’t know them, you’re one of them.  They’re the same kind of mindless douches who thought Mark Tremonti was the best guitarist out there when Creed was popular simply because they’ve never heard a guitarist do a scale run before.  They’re the greasy teenagers that smell like rotting popcorn and Mountain Dew.  I know you musical connoisseurs of the future are proud of yourselves for fueling such a violently bad band, but for the sake of humanity and my ears, grow up.

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