News

May 9 2012

Keep it classy, North Carolina

I was going to write about John Travolta being a weird creepy gay guy, but everybody is doing that, so that wouldn’t be very hipsterish of me. Unless I did it ironically or something. Blogging is complicated.

North Carolina just banned gay marriage…which is pretty much what you’d expect when you let a state filled with religious nut jobs vote on civil rights issues.

North Carolinians voted to change the state constitution Tuesday to say that the only valid “domestic legal partnership” in the state is marriage between a man and a woman, according to the AP’s projection. The amendment passed 61 to 39 percent with most counties reporting, making North Carolina the 29th state with a gay marriage ban in its constitution.

This is wrong. It’s insane to allow people to vote for human rights in the first place, especially when those people still believe in bible stories about men camping in a whale’s stomach and sea monsters eating sailors. In a world where we can detect Higgs particles and dark matter, we shouldn’t base our lives around what the people who still believe in fairy tales value anymore. They’re unimportant.

I only write about this because my friend’s best friend’s brother’s friend’s cousin knows a guy who likes rainbows. So this hits, like, really close to home.

By Rob • News • 6

May 8 2012

Apparently Miley Cyrus has a movie out and the “Where the Wild Things Are” guy died

Miley Cyrus, whose talents have brought you things like…I think songs, right? She’s a singer i think. Well she acts too. Except nobody went to see her movie, “LOL”:

Miley Cyrus’ film “LOL,” made a total of only $46,500 this weekend, Movie City News estimates . That is just a few hundred dollars more than what “Marvel’s The Avengers” — which drew a record-breaking weekend total of more than $200 million — took inper theater: $46,100, according to MCN.

Note to Miley: if you’re going to make a movie, try not to title it after a potential Rebecca Black song.

Also the Where the Wild Things Are author died. I feel sad about this, but only because I just learned how to read and that was on my book list. Now I’ll be thinking about it, and it’ll be this whole big thing. Ugh.

RIP Maurice Sendak

By Rob • News • 4

May 7 2012

Keep it classy, Chicago

Keep your hands off, Jeremy Piven! This one’s mine! That millionaire playboy won’t take another lady away from me this time.

By Rob • News • 3

Feb 27 2012

Obama is a wuss

I don’t usually write about politics because they’re boring, but I’ll make an exception for this:

KABUL, Afghanistan – President Obama apologized to Afghans on Thursday for the burning of Qurans at a U.S. military base, trying to assuage rising anti-American sentiment as an Afghan soldier gunned down two American troops during another day of angry protests.

Am I the only person who is pissed that Obama apologized for this? We live in a world that is sophisticated enough that if someone accidentally burns your book, you make them go to Barnes & Noble and buy you another one; you don’t kill them over it. By apologizing to these lunatics, you’re pretty much saying that their reaction was a reasonable one (it isn’t) and that they’re acting completely appropriately (they’re not). I realize that Obama needs to try and be diplomatic, but does he have to reinforce this Muslim irrationality every five minutes?

I think every American should get a Koran and burn it out of spite right now. “Koran burning Day” we’ll call it. It’ll be a jolly good time filled with noodle salad and less Korans in the world.

By Rob • News • 4

Feb 2 2012

Yes. A Candyland movie written by Adam Sandler sounds like a delightful idea

Adam Sandler is the artistic equivalent of Alzheimer’s. His ability deteriorates as the years progress, which is particularly saddening since his high point was only Billy Madison. If you disagree with what I’m saying, I suggest you take a look at what’s about to happen:

Although the movie is no longer with Universal, Adam Sandler appears to be rescuing the project. According to Deadline, Sandler is in final talks to create a live action movie based on the kids’ board game “Candyland” through his Happy Madison production company and Sony’s Columbia Pictures, and he’s also attached to star.

Kevin James will of course be starring as Gloppy the Molasses Monster, who will make us laugh about how fat people are so jolly and awkward, yet lovable while still being diabetic. And Rob Schneider will star as something, because Adam Sandler feels sorry for people.

I look forward to this movie as much as I look forward to my colonoscopy next month. Incidentally, it’s important to take care of your colon. I’m not completely sure about where I was going with this, but comparing ass polyps to Adam Sandler films doesn’t seem like it’s too off topic.

By Rob • News • 3

Jan 18 2012

This is why China will never rule the world

It’s getting pretty common to hear people rant about how China is going to take over the world. If you really want a good indication on a country’s potential, start by the rationale of their people. This is why China will never rule the world:

A baby boom is expected in China in 2012 — the Year of the Dragon. Many parents consider it good luck for their kids to be born now: across Asia, the dragon symbolizes wealth, wisdom, and good fortune.

I’m not saying America is better than China. Most of Americans still believe there is a man in the sky who smites gays with AIDS and dooms non believers to an eternity of hell. I’m saying that it’s just as idiotic for the Chinese to believe that their kids are going to be wealthy because of the year they’re born as it is for Christians to believe that a man turned water into wine or turned a baby into a giraffe, or whatever the hell Hercules’ feats were. I’m not sure about any of it because Wikipedia is shut down.

The year of the dragon won’t make you smarter or richer. It’s the same kind of thinking that got my parents into trouble when they timed my birth so that my astrological sign would be a Leo. They thought it would make me nice and look where it got them. Set on fire, that’s where. That’ll teach you the next time you assholes pressure me to get rid of my training wheels.

By Rob • News • 4

Jan 12 2012

Marine pissing on Taliban corpses? Not in this country!

Apparently a video showing US Marines peeing on dead Taliban corpses has surfaced. Here it is:

How inhumane can one be? To urinate on someone is the ultimate form of disrespect to one’s life. It’s almost as if the marines who shot those Afghans to death, leaving them in a rotting bloody pile, didn’t even care if the Afghans lived or died when they chose to pee on them. The barbarians.

I’m shocked and appalled. It’s not like there are numerous sites on the internet that show men and women who consent to drink piss, bathe in piss, or be bukkaked in piss. There isn’t some term like “water sports” that float around in people’s vocabulary detailing a very specific sexual fetish of people getting pissed on. However, there are a lot of sites with dead corpses consenting to be filmed for the sole purpose of exposing the true horrors of war. We should all thank the media for putting everything into perspective for us. Eye on the ball, everybody. Eye. On. The. Ball.

By Rob • News • 9

Jan 10 2012

Why Rick Santorum will never become president

Rick Santorum is quite possibly the douchiest politician alive right now. Ironically, he is also (sort of) a contender for the Republican bid in the next presidential election. Thankfully it won’t ever happen for these reasons:

1. The guy looks like this:

How much would it suck to have that smug face on a dollar bill? A lot since it’s illegal to burn money.

2. Thanks to a beautifully done Google Bomb, when you Google “Santorum,” you get this:

santorum (san-TOR-um) n.
1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter
that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.

3. This is his family:

Notice the retarded girl with the doll up front crying? Yeah, she’s actually not retarded. You know who is? ….

4. Rick Santorum keeps having retarded kids.

Rick Santorum has 7 alive kids. One of them is retarded. The other was so retarded it died two hours after it was born.

5. Rick Santorum and his wife slept with his dead baby all night, brought the corpse home from the hospital, and passed it around to his family like it were vacation pictures.

What happened after the death is a kind of snapshot of a cultural divide. Some would find it discomforting, strange, even ghoulish — others brave and deeply spiritual. Rick and Karen Santorum would not let the morgue take the corpse of their newborn; they slept that night in the hospital with their lifeless baby between them. The next day, they took him home. ”Your siblings could not have been more excited about you!” Karen writes in the book, which takes the form of letters to Gabriel, mostly while he is in utero. ”Elizabeth and Johnny held you with so much love and tenderness. Elizabeth proudly announced to everyone as she cuddled you, ‘This is my baby brother, Gabriel; he is an angel.’ ”

So, America, Unless you want a nebbish looking idiot who is so annoying that his name is now synonymous with bad anal sex, who is the father of a creepy ugly family that sleeps and plays with the corpses of dead retarded babies, be my guest. When it’s put into perspective like this, it makes you think twice, right? You’re welcome.

By Rob • News • 5