News

Feb 2 2012

Yes. A Candyland movie written by Adam Sandler sounds like a delightful idea

Adam Sandler is the artistic equivalent of Alzheimer’s. His ability deteriorates as the years progress, which is particularly saddening since his high point was only Billy Madison. If you disagree with what I’m saying, I suggest you take a look at what’s about to happen:

Although the movie is no longer with Universal, Adam Sandler appears to be rescuing the project. According to Deadline, Sandler is in final talks to create a live action movie based on the kids’ board game “Candyland” through his Happy Madison production company and Sony’s Columbia Pictures, and he’s also attached to star.

Kevin James will of course be starring as Gloppy the Molasses Monster, who will make us laugh about how fat people are so jolly and awkward, yet lovable while still being diabetic. And Rob Schneider will star as something, because Adam Sandler feels sorry for people.

I look forward to this movie as much as I look forward to my colonoscopy next month. Incidentally, it’s important to take care of your colon. I’m not completely sure about where I was going with this, but comparing ass polyps to Adam Sandler films doesn’t seem like it’s too off topic.

By Rob • News • 3

Jan 18 2012

This is why China will never rule the world

It’s getting pretty common to hear people rant about how China is going to take over the world. If you really want a good indication on a country’s potential, start by the rationale of their people. This is why China will never rule the world:

A baby boom is expected in China in 2012 — the Year of the Dragon. Many parents consider it good luck for their kids to be born now: across Asia, the dragon symbolizes wealth, wisdom, and good fortune.

I’m not saying America is better than China. Most of Americans still believe there is a man in the sky who smites gays with AIDS and dooms non believers to an eternity of hell. I’m saying that it’s just as idiotic for the Chinese to believe that their kids are going to be wealthy because of the year they’re born as it is for Christians to believe that a man turned water into wine or turned a baby into a giraffe, or whatever the hell Hercules’ feats were. I’m not sure about any of it because Wikipedia is shut down.

The year of the dragon won’t make you smarter or richer. It’s the same kind of thinking that got my parents into trouble when they timed my birth so that my astrological sign would be a Leo. They thought it would make me nice and look where it got them. Set on fire, that’s where. That’ll teach you the next time you assholes pressure me to get rid of my training wheels.

By Rob • News • 4

Jan 12 2012

Marine pissing on Taliban corpses? Not in this country!

Apparently a video showing US Marines peeing on dead Taliban corpses has surfaced. Here it is:

How inhumane can one be? To urinate on someone is the ultimate form of disrespect to one’s life. It’s almost as if the marines who shot those Afghans to death, leaving them in a rotting bloody pile, didn’t even care if the Afghans lived or died when they chose to pee on them. The barbarians.

I’m shocked and appalled. It’s not like there are numerous sites on the internet that show men and women who consent to drink piss, bathe in piss, or be bukkaked in piss. There isn’t some term like “water sports” that float around in people’s vocabulary detailing a very specific sexual fetish of people getting pissed on. However, there are a lot of sites with dead corpses consenting to be filmed for the sole purpose of exposing the true horrors of war. We should all thank the media for putting everything into perspective for us. Eye on the ball, everybody. Eye. On. The. Ball.

By Rob • News • 9

Jan 10 2012

Why Rick Santorum will never become president

Rick Santorum is quite possibly the douchiest politician alive right now. Ironically, he is also (sort of) a contender for the Republican bid in the next presidential election. Thankfully it won’t ever happen for these reasons:

1. The guy looks like this:

How much would it suck to have that smug face on a dollar bill? A lot since it’s illegal to burn money.

2. Thanks to a beautifully done Google Bomb, when you Google “Santorum,” you get this:

santorum (san-TOR-um) n.
1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter
that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.

3. This is his family:

Notice the retarded girl with the doll up front crying? Yeah, she’s actually not retarded. You know who is? ….

4. Rick Santorum keeps having retarded kids.

Rick Santorum has 7 alive kids. One of them is retarded. The other was so retarded it died two hours after it was born.

5. Rick Santorum and his wife slept with his dead baby all night, brought the corpse home from the hospital, and passed it around to his family like it were vacation pictures.

What happened after the death is a kind of snapshot of a cultural divide. Some would find it discomforting, strange, even ghoulish — others brave and deeply spiritual. Rick and Karen Santorum would not let the morgue take the corpse of their newborn; they slept that night in the hospital with their lifeless baby between them. The next day, they took him home. ”Your siblings could not have been more excited about you!” Karen writes in the book, which takes the form of letters to Gabriel, mostly while he is in utero. ”Elizabeth and Johnny held you with so much love and tenderness. Elizabeth proudly announced to everyone as she cuddled you, ‘This is my baby brother, Gabriel; he is an angel.’ ”

So, America, Unless you want a nebbish looking idiot who is so annoying that his name is now synonymous with bad anal sex, who is the father of a creepy ugly family that sleeps and plays with the corpses of dead retarded babies, be my guest. When it’s put into perspective like this, it makes you think twice, right? You’re welcome.

By Rob • News • 5

Jan 9 2012

I never realized Chris Christie was this fat

When a heckler yelled, “Christie kills jobs,” Christie was ready with a response – New Jersey style.
“Really?” Christie replied. Something may go down tonight but it’s not going to be jobs, sweetheart.”

Let’s ignore the fact that NJ governor Chris Christie just threatened a girl with physical violence and focus on how fucking fat he is. I knew the guy was fat, but this is mega obese. So many questions! Like who works harder: Christie or his belt? Or, what do you think his car seat smells like?

By Rob • News • 8

Jan 3 2012

5 examples why nobody will be able to take PETA seriously

I love animals, but I’m pretty sick of groups like PETA and whatever sponsors Sarah McLachlan to sing in those awful commercials milking as much sympathy as humanly possible while taking their rhetoric to such ridiculous extremes. We know that animals being tortured is wrong and sad, but I think PETA may be the first organization that will make me root for the violent socipath who beats a puppy to death with a dead kitten, purely out of spite.

PETA’s insane tactics to get people to understand how animal abuse is wrong have backfired more often than not. Here are 5 things PETA has done that will make it so nobody in their right mind should give them the time of day:

5. Memorials for livestock killed in transit:

In 2006, Virginia rejected PETA’s request for highway markers to memorialize hogs killed in crashes on their way to slaughter at Smithfield Foods.

If we have to have a roadside memorial for every fat obese animal that gets into a car wreck and dies, Oklahoma is going to look way more depressing than it already does.

4. The Jeffrey Dahmer comparison:

I don’t know what kind of focus group you need to make such a stupid comparison. Dahmer was a serial killer who raped and murdered Asian and Black teenagers. Cows are yummy. How are any of these three things bad? *slide whistle*

3. Breast Milk Ice Cream:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow’s milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

Without naming Kirstie Alley,can you think of anything more revolting than a titty ice cream sundae? PETA not only wants to make food disgusting, but they want to ruin boobs as well. Have you ever seen a woman breast feed? It’s horrendous. Their boobs look like Capri Sun pouches with syrup leaking out of it. And there’s usually a baby involved. No thanks.

2. Crusade against Super Mario’s Tanooki Suit:

Controversial animal rights group PETA is arguing that one of Nintendo character Mario’s most popular power-ups should be powered down. The group is taking the position that gaming’s most famous plumber is supporting the fur industry when he dons his Tanooki suit — an optional item in the game Super Mario 3D Land that gives Mario the ability to glide.

Now while it’s true an Italian doesn’t ever need a reason to be hairier, this war against Mario is just unnecessary. If PETA really cared about animal cruelty in video games, they would’ve petitioned games like ‘Deer Hunter’, where the killing of animals is a lot less subtle.

1. PETA ruins porn:

Animal-rights activist group PETA is apparently willing to run the risk of being dubbed “Pornographers for the Ethical Treatment of Animals” with a plan to launch a porn website “in the name of animal rights.”

Everything you’ve ever wanted in porn. Naked women jumping up and down and putting on puppet shows with their boobs while you experience the horrible guilt attached to eating meat. Thanks, PETA!

By Rob • News • 11

Dec 29 2011

Prepare to start believing in God and Angels

When you think of the word “Breedlove,” you probably think of porn where the man ejaculates into a vagina and/ or anus. It’s also the name of a kid who believes in angels and God. Luckily this won’t be too confusing for much longer because he’s dead now. I know that’s sad to say, but this name was confusing for a lot of people who wanted to see raunchy porn, and it’s not fair to them.

Say hello (and then goodbye) to Ben Breedlove.

Ben talked about seeing angels and being in heaven when he died, which of course is just a hallucination. Meanwhile, all of these idiotic people are using his story to reinforce their beliefs in God and angels as if the experiences of a dying kid going into shock and the hallucinations that come with near death experiences are enough, especially when articulated into a web cam diary with flash cards. I appreciate the sentiment behind it, and it is tragic that this kid’s life was cut short…but can’t we stop being stupid for three seconds and critically think about exactly why this story is touching? Just remember to all you would be God Warriors out there, if you donated all the money you give to churches to people who do legitimate research on hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, maybe Ben wouldn’t have died and you wouldn’t be writing dumb comments on a YouTube page for some jackass like me to mock. In a way, you’re all responsible for Ben Breedlove’s death.

By Rob • News • 13

Dec 21 2011

Man crashes $200k prize car *Cue Nelson Muntz Laugh*

HA HA!

Thanks to a Utah convenience store’s contest, Frito-Lay truck driver David Dopp won another set of wheels last Saturday: this lime-green, 631-hp Lamborghini Murcielago LP-640, worth at least $200,000. Such an awesome car that will…oops, he already wrecked it.
Just a few hours after getting the keys to the V-12 powered Italian supercar named for a famed Spanish fighting bull, Dopp took to the roads around his home in Santaquin, Utah. According to In Santaquin News, police were called about dusk after a witness spotted the all-wheel-drive Lambo bass-ackwards in a field, with skidmarks from where it left the road.

The Germans have a word called Schadenfreude, which is pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. You can also say something like “Ich bin ein Berliner” which loosely translates to, “I am a Jelly Doughnut.” So 10 points for the the Germans.

Not too sure where I was going with this…somehow this article got away from me.

By Rob • News • 6