News

Jan 10 2012

Why Rick Santorum will never become president

Rick Santorum is quite possibly the douchiest politician alive right now. Ironically, he is also (sort of) a contender for the Republican bid in the next presidential election. Thankfully it won’t ever happen for these reasons:

1. The guy looks like this:

How much would it suck to have that smug face on a dollar bill? A lot since it’s illegal to burn money.

2. Thanks to a beautifully done Google Bomb, when you Google “Santorum,” you get this:

santorum (san-TOR-um) n.
1. The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter
that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.


3. This is his family:

Notice the retarded girl with the doll up front crying? Yeah, she’s actually not retarded. You know who is? ….

4. Rick Santorum keeps having retarded kids.

Rick Santorum has 7 alive kids. One of them is retarded. The other was so retarded it died two hours after it was born.

5. Rick Santorum and his wife slept with his dead baby all night, brought the corpse home from the hospital, and passed it around to his family like it were vacation pictures.

What happened after the death is a kind of snapshot of a cultural divide. Some would find it discomforting, strange, even ghoulish — others brave and deeply spiritual. Rick and Karen Santorum would not let the morgue take the corpse of their newborn; they slept that night in the hospital with their lifeless baby between them. The next day, they took him home. ”Your siblings could not have been more excited about you!” Karen writes in the book, which takes the form of letters to Gabriel, mostly while he is in utero. ”Elizabeth and Johnny held you with so much love and tenderness. Elizabeth proudly announced to everyone as she cuddled you, ‘This is my baby brother, Gabriel; he is an angel.’ ”

So, America, Unless you want a nebbish looking idiot who is so annoying that his name is now synonymous with bad anal sex, who is the father of a creepy ugly family that sleeps and plays with the corpses of dead retarded babies, be my guest. When it’s put into perspective like this, it makes you think twice, right? You’re welcome.

By Rob • News • 5

Jan 9 2012

I never realized Chris Christie was this fat

When a heckler yelled, “Christie kills jobs,” Christie was ready with a response – New Jersey style.
“Really?” Christie replied. Something may go down tonight but it’s not going to be jobs, sweetheart.”

Let’s ignore the fact that NJ governor Chris Christie just threatened a girl with physical violence and focus on how fucking fat he is. I knew the guy was fat, but this is mega obese. So many questions! Like who works harder: Christie or his belt? Or, what do you think his car seat smells like?

By Rob • News • 8

Jan 3 2012

5 examples why nobody will be able to take PETA seriously

I love animals, but I’m pretty sick of groups like PETA and whatever sponsors Sarah McLachlan to sing in those awful commercials milking as much sympathy as humanly possible while taking their rhetoric to such ridiculous extremes. We know that animals being tortured is wrong and sad, but I think PETA may be the first organization that will make me root for the violent socipath who beats a puppy to death with a dead kitten, purely out of spite.

PETA’s insane tactics to get people to understand how animal abuse is wrong have backfired more often than not. Here are 5 things PETA has done that will make it so nobody in their right mind should give them the time of day:

5. Memorials for livestock killed in transit:

In 2006, Virginia rejected PETA’s request for highway markers to memorialize hogs killed in crashes on their way to slaughter at Smithfield Foods.

If we have to have a roadside memorial for every fat obese animal that gets into a car wreck and dies, Oklahoma is going to look way more depressing than it already does.

4. The Jeffrey Dahmer comparison:

I don’t know what kind of focus group you need to make such a stupid comparison. Dahmer was a serial killer who raped and murdered Asian and Black teenagers. Cows are yummy. How are any of these three things bad? *slide whistle*

3. Breast Milk Ice Cream:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow’s milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

Without naming Kirstie Alley,can you think of anything more revolting than a titty ice cream sundae? PETA not only wants to make food disgusting, but they want to ruin boobs as well. Have you ever seen a woman breast feed? It’s horrendous. Their boobs look like Capri Sun pouches with syrup leaking out of it. And there’s usually a baby involved. No thanks.

2. Crusade against Super Mario’s Tanooki Suit:

Controversial animal rights group PETA is arguing that one of Nintendo character Mario’s most popular power-ups should be powered down. The group is taking the position that gaming’s most famous plumber is supporting the fur industry when he dons his Tanooki suit — an optional item in the game Super Mario 3D Land that gives Mario the ability to glide.

Now while it’s true an Italian doesn’t ever need a reason to be hairier, this war against Mario is just unnecessary. If PETA really cared about animal cruelty in video games, they would’ve petitioned games like ‘Deer Hunter’, where the killing of animals is a lot less subtle.

1. PETA ruins porn:

Animal-rights activist group PETA is apparently willing to run the risk of being dubbed “Pornographers for the Ethical Treatment of Animals” with a plan to launch a porn website “in the name of animal rights.”

Everything you’ve ever wanted in porn. Naked women jumping up and down and putting on puppet shows with their boobs while you experience the horrible guilt attached to eating meat. Thanks, PETA!

By Rob • News • 11

Dec 29 2011

Prepare to start believing in God and Angels

When you think of the word “Breedlove,” you probably think of porn where the man ejaculates into a vagina and/ or anus. It’s also the name of a kid who believes in angels and God. Luckily this won’t be too confusing for much longer because he’s dead now. I know that’s sad to say, but this name was confusing for a lot of people who wanted to see raunchy porn, and it’s not fair to them.

Say hello (and then goodbye) to Ben Breedlove.

 


The simple version is that this kid had a heart condition, almost died, almost died again, and almost died again, did this video, and then actually died.

Ben talked about seeing angels and being in heaven when he died, which of course is just a hallucination. Meanwhile, all of these idiotic people are using his story to reinforce their beliefs in God and angels as if the experiences of a dying kid going into shock and the hallucinations that come with near death experiences are enough, especially when articulated into a web cam diary with flash cards. I appreciate the sentiment behind it, and it is tragic that this kid’s life was cut short…but can’t we stop being stupid for three seconds and critically think about exactly why this story is touching? Just remember to all you would be God Warriors out there, if you donated all the money you give to churches to people who do legitimate research on hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, maybe Ben wouldn’t have died and you wouldn’t be writing dumb comments on a YouTube page for some jackass like me to mock. In a way, you’re all responsible for Ben Breedlove’s death.

By Rob • News • 14

Dec 21 2011

Man crashes $200k prize car *Cue Nelson Muntz Laugh*

HA HA!

Thanks to a Utah convenience store’s contest, Frito-Lay truck driver David Dopp won another set of wheels last Saturday: this lime-green, 631-hp Lamborghini Murcielago LP-640, worth at least $200,000. Such an awesome car that will…oops, he already wrecked it.
Just a few hours after getting the keys to the V-12 powered Italian supercar named for a famed Spanish fighting bull, Dopp took to the roads around his home in Santaquin, Utah. According to In Santaquin News, police were called about dusk after a witness spotted the all-wheel-drive Lambo bass-ackwards in a field, with skidmarks from where it left the road.

The Germans have a word called Schadenfreude, which is pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. You can also say something like “Ich bin ein Berliner” which loosely translates to, “I am a Jelly Doughnut.” So 10 points for the the Germans.

Not too sure where I was going with this…somehow this article got away from me.

By Rob • News • 6

Dec 20 2011

“Cocaine ingested from butt ends in tragedy”

Every now and again you find articles that really catch the eye. I copied that title from this article:

A South Carolina man who agreed to eat cocaine that was hidden in his brother’s rectum died from a drug overdose.The two brothers were sitting in the back of a police car discussing their legal troubles, when older brother convinced younger brother to eat the coke.Brotherly love soon turned to tragedy, according to media reports, when 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell died after ingesting the drugs. Source.

 

The author of the title says “Cocaine ingested from butt ends in tragedy,” as if this story could possibly have a happy ending. I’m a fairly imaginative guy, but if there’s cocaine being eaten out of an ass to trick the police, there’s not many good ways it can end unless The Great Gazoo popped out and used his alien magic to turn the drugs into rainbow sparkles.

By Rob • News • 10

Dec 19 2011

Kim Jong Il Obituary

Kim Jong Il, the world’s goofiest looking tyrant is dead at 69 (heh). He is survived by his wife Kim Young-sook, and his children Kim Sul-song
Kim Jong-nam ,Kim Jong-chul, and Kim Jong-un.

 

SEOUL (Reuters) – North Koreans poured into the streets on Monday to mourn the death of iron leader Kim Jong-il as state media hailed his untested son as the “Great Successor” of the reclusive state whose atomic weapons ambitions are a major threat to the region.
Earlier a tearful North Korean television announcer, dressed in black and her voice quavering, said the 69-year old ruler died on Saturday of “physical and mental over-work” on a train on his way to give field guidance — advice dispensed by the “Dear Leader” on trips to factories, farms and the military.

Kim Jong Il was known for his whacky glasses and threats of nuclear Holocausts. He will be missed by someone. When reached for comment, his son, Kim Jong-un said the following before taking over as Supreme Leader of North Korea :

Herro,
My name is Kim Jong-un and I rike to exrain are the pran I have legarling ruh state of Chosŏn (Nolth Kolea to the lound eyes).
First or-rer of behniss, the new lules:
NORUN IS ARROWE TO SAY I HAVE CHUBBY FACE! NO RUN!
NORUN IS ARROWE TO RAWK STALTING WITH REFT FOOT. LIGHT FOOT ONRY!
NORUN IS ARROWE TO RICK ANY RORRIPOP OF ANY KIND.
NORUN IS ARROWE TO ROOK ME IN EYES. NO RUN!
EVELY FLIDAY IS RACKY TACKY TSHUT DAY. NO EXCEPTRUNS.
NORUN CAN PRAY PING PONG WITH BRUE PADDLE.
NORUN CAN PRAY PING PONG WITH BRUE PADDLE.  (HIRIGHTED TWICE!!!!)
NORUN IS ARROWE TO RIKE THE B-52S.

I WERE ADD MORE AS I THINK OF THEM.

IF RUN BLAKES RURE THEN THEY WILL BE KIRRED AND/ OR ROOSE THEIR RIFE REARRY REARRY QUICKRY!

By Rob • News • 4

Dec 16 2011

The Friday News Rundown

1. Lindsay Lohan, a known liar, bad actress, thief, alcoholic, drug abuser, and ginger wowed the judge this week by doing things she’s actually supposed to be doing. It only took her three years. Everybody is making such a big deal about this. I’ve never gotten a DUI in my life and nobody is giving me proverbial cookies and patting my back. It’s interesting how people are treating her the same way you’d treat a retarded person for doing something wrong. “It’s ok, Corky. See what happens when you pet the dog too hard? He stops moving. Here’s a cookie.” She also had her Playboy spread leaked, which isn’t nearly as interesting as it seems, which is why I put the whole “Lindsay Lohan is doing well” part first. You know it’s a bad photo shoot when I talk about people doing the right thing before I talk about their boobs.

2. Earlier this week, I discussed a video that may constitute as unintentional racism in the fast food industry. But what about intentional racism?

Two Asian-American students at University of California, Irvine, who ordered meals at a Chick-fil-A in Irvine said the cashier who took their order didn’t ask for their names. Instead, she typed “Ching” and “Chong,” respectively, on their receipts, according to Kelvin Lee, another UC Irvine student who said he is a friend of the customers. Full article.

The only way this could be more racist is if she changed one of the receipts to say “Spicy Dog” with the Dr. Pepper and a plea for them not to drive home.

3. Parents decided that it would be a good idea to pull a prank on their kids. That prank was to make out with their blind-folded children in the middle of a crowded gymnasium while someone video taped it and put it up on YouTube to be ridiculed by the entire internet.

 

If those kids decide to go Columbine crazy: Understood.

4. Here’s a picture of Hillary Clinton picking her nose.

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Words of Wisdom: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, I mean who really cares? OK fine: it tolls for Ben Savage.

By Rob • Celebrities, News, Rundown • 14

Dec 15 2011

The Duggar family is disgusting

If you don’t know who the Duggar family is, that’s ok. Here they are:

The Duggar family is famous for having less common sense than a ginger kid has friends. The mother treats her vagina like a clown car by seeing how many unevolved looking runts she can squeeze out it. The answer to that question by the way is 19 and one miscarriage.

During a routine check-up Thursday, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar received the heart-wrenching news that their 20th child no longer had a heartbeat and Michelle’s pregnancy had ended.

“Our doctor said it was wise to let this miscarriage happen naturally,” says Michelle, 45, who is resting at home. “And so that is what we are going to do.”

“There are people praying for us and angels surrounding our home, and there was peace in the sorrow and the grief. Those feelings are mingled together.”

“I really believe that God sees the bigger picture,” Jim Bob Duggar said. “I hope that her short life can encourage other people who have gone through things like this. It was very healing, and we have precious memories.”

I'll give you 10 dollars if you can show me a more obnoxious looking couple.

Oh so you’re starting to take the doctor’s advice now, Michelle? I’m sure your doctor said it was perfectly natural to get knocked up 20 times and make your vagina look like rotting hamburger meat.

Everything about this family disgusts me. Everyone’s name is unnecessarily long and starts with a J (Like Joshua James and Joy-Ann). The Duggars are obnoxiously religious and try to make everything about God. I’m sure “God” wanted you to have 19 kids and a reality TV show where you parade your backwards hick family around your podunk little Arkansas town, right? And I’m sure it was “God” who wanted your child to die in the womb, because when I think of a loving Christian God, I automatically think of infanticide.

So what does a normal sane family who experiences something tragic like a miscarriage do? Why they hold a public funeral and tweet pics of the dead fetus of course!

The Duggar Family, grieving from the loss of what would’ve been their 20th child, not only named the miscarried baby (a girl, Jubilee), they held a memorial service for her and took photos of the corpse, one of which made it onto Twitter.

It’s unclear which family member or friend posted it online, but the Duggars weren’t trying to keep it private. An artistic picture of the fetus, due in April, was distributed it at the memorial Wednesday. We have not posted it here for obvious reasons.

Of course, I’ll post the picture:

It’s pretty revolting and wrong when you…ah screw this. I’m done teaching idiots moral lessons. I’m starting to sound like an Oompa Loompa.

By Rob • Celebrities, News • 7

Dec 14 2011

What happens when Popeyes runs out of chicken?

Ever wonder what happens when Popeyes runs out of chicken? Well wonder no more. With a wave of the magic wand and a Bippedy Boppedy Boop!

This video is such a stereotype overload that it almost seems fake. It’s like a skit Saturday Night Live would do if Saturday Night Live were actually funny.

Why are these black people getting so mad when they don’t have cheap fried chicken at their disposal? I know I don’t listen to a lot of rap, but is this really what everybody is so mad about?

By Rob • News • 7

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