Rundown

Jan 13 2012

Friday News Rundown

What a week. We saw Rick Santorum lose again, which would’ve been the second funniest thing that happened this week if Blue Ivy was kidnapped.

1. I get paid based on what things I talk about so I’m obligated to talk about celebrities once in awhile. There’s a loophole in the contract, and that is I don’t need to do much research with anything I write which makes talking about this stuff easier.

Apparently one of the Kardashians isn’t really a Kardashian. She is something else. I think it’s the fat one who is nice to everybody. Congratulations on reaping the wealth of being a Kardashian without sharing the DNA that comes with it.

…In sadder news:

2. Kathleen Edward, the girl with Huntington’s disease who was mercilessly tormented by a shitty neighbor has died.

Those who knew 9-year-old Kathleen Edward will never forget her infectious smile, one seen often throughout her battle with Juvenile Huntington’s disease.
The girl who received support from people all over the world after being taunted about dying lost her battle with the disease Wednesday. She died at her Wyandotte home, surrounded by people who love her, said Kathleen’s maternal grandmother, Rebecca Rose.

“She suffered with this disease for a while, and she never complained,” Rose said. “She was always happy, always smiling.”
Rose said her last words to Kathleen were that it was OK to go be with her mom. Laura Edward, Kathleen’s mother, died in 2009 of Huntington’s disease, a hereditary, incurable brain disorder.
“I didn’t want her to suffer anymore,” Rose said.
Kathleen received an outpouring of support from around the world after doctored pictures of her appeared on Facebook, showing the girl and her mother being held by the grim reaper.

It’s rare news articles can get me legitimately upset, but I remember the news articles from years ago with her shitty neighbor, Jennifer Petkov, doing everything she could possibly do to make this poor girl’s life a living hell. If Karma is real, Hindus, prove it by getting that elephant god with all the arms to hit her with a bus.

3. Judge declares missing teen Natalee Holloway dead.

I’m not sure what they were waiting for, but congratulations for progress. High 5!

4. Jennifer Aniston recently had a cup of coffee.

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Quote of the week: “Who told you that you were naked?”
God
Genesis 3:11

By Rob • Celebrities, News, Rundown • 5

Jan 6 2012

Friday news rundown

The end of the week is upon us, and in spite of not being able to jerk off since I worked out so hard that I can’t move my arms to crotch level anymore, it wasn’t too bad of a week.

1. A Navy Seal is on life support after he accidentally shoots himself in the head to impress a girl.

Cali says the man was showing guns to a woman he’d met earlier at a bar and put a pistol he believed was unloaded to his head. Cali says he then pulled the trigger. Source.

Support our troops, everyone. LIFE support them. AHAHAHA! Oh god, did you see that?! And this is only the first news piece, folks!

2. Katy Perry and Russell Brand got divorced after 14 months of dating. If anybody is surprised by this, be surprised by how long it lasted. Russell Brand is a recovering sex and drug addict who lost his virginity to a prostitute hired by his dad, five feet away from his dad who was also having sex with a prostitute. Katy Perry’s parents are evangelical Christians who speak in tongues, and her first album is listed as “Gospel Rock.” If that doesn’t fall under the umbrella of “Rocky foundation for a relationship,” then I don’t know what does.

3. This is the best use for an IPad I’ve ever seen.

I’m no therapist, but I think that kid may have some kind of emotional issues to work out.

4. Jennifer Aniston: Still boring.

5. Nick Cannon is unfortunately recovering from whatever it was he was sick from. I say unfortunately because I really couldn’t care less about this untalented hack, and if he died, Mariah Carey will probably get fat again, which would be hilarious. I’m giggling thinking about it right now. Anyway, here is a 31 year old Nick Canon looking like a 54 year old Morgan Freeman.


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Words of wisdom: Nosce Te Ipsum. Know thyself. And get your boobies checked for tumors while you’re at it.

By Rob • Rundown • 4

Dec 30 2011

The Friday News Rundown

Let’s be honest: It’s New Years, nobody is at work, everyone is probably drunk, I don’t want to do this, you don’t want to do this…nobody will read this. I’m just going to make up some news that would make sense so no one would be the wiser.

1. Lindsay Lohan was caught snorting cocaine with a bunch of black people in the Hell’s Kitchen area of New York City this weekend. Sources say she was so desperate for any kind of attention that she repeatedly asked the gang of black people to punch her in the face. They shrugged their shoulders and walked away to get some orange drink.

2. The Fox TV cartoon Allen Gregory will be canceled. When reached for comment, the creator and star Jonah Hill said, “Wait, I have a show called Allen Gregory? Since when?” One of the writers, Guy Endore-Kaiser says this about this show:

Well, I know the show wasn’t funny. But it wasn’t supposed to be funny. It was supposed to be punk rock. Here’s my resume. Know anybody? I can do handstands! Look!

3. Jennifer Aniston recently talked about her hair and about how her husband Brad Pitt is such a nice guy and how their marriage is doing so well.

Oh you know, our marriage has had some ups and downs, but what marriage doesn’t? Am I right? I love Brad. I wish he’d call me. Why isn’t he calling me? Maybe I should call him! No Jennifer, you told yourself you wouldn’t do this! It’s a test. YES! WHY DOESN’T HE LOVE ME ANYMORE!?!!”

Happy New Year, everybody.

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Words of wisdom: The best things in life are free, which is what makes puking on women so enticing.

By Rob • Rundown • 3

Dec 16 2011

The Friday News Rundown

1. Lindsay Lohan, a known liar, bad actress, thief, alcoholic, drug abuser, and ginger wowed the judge this week by doing things she’s actually supposed to be doing. It only took her three years. Everybody is making such a big deal about this. I’ve never gotten a DUI in my life and nobody is giving me proverbial cookies and patting my back. It’s interesting how people are treating her the same way you’d treat a retarded person for doing something wrong. “It’s ok, Corky. See what happens when you pet the dog too hard? He stops moving. Here’s a cookie.” She also had her Playboy spread leaked, which isn’t nearly as interesting as it seems, which is why I put the whole “Lindsay Lohan is doing well” part first. You know it’s a bad photo shoot when I talk about people doing the right thing before I talk about their boobs.

2. Earlier this week, I discussed a video that may constitute as unintentional racism in the fast food industry. But what about intentional racism?

Two Asian-American students at University of California, Irvine, who ordered meals at a Chick-fil-A in Irvine said the cashier who took their order didn’t ask for their names. Instead, she typed “Ching” and “Chong,” respectively, on their receipts, according to Kelvin Lee, another UC Irvine student who said he is a friend of the customers. Full article.

The only way this could be more racist is if she changed one of the receipts to say “Spicy Dog” with the Dr. Pepper and a plea for them not to drive home.

3. Parents decided that it would be a good idea to pull a prank on their kids. That prank was to make out with their blind-folded children in the middle of a crowded gymnasium while someone video taped it and put it up on YouTube to be ridiculed by the entire internet.

 

If those kids decide to go Columbine crazy: Understood.

4. Here’s a picture of Hillary Clinton picking her nose.

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Words of Wisdom: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, I mean who really cares? OK fine: it tolls for Ben Savage.

By Rob • Celebrities, News, Rundown • 14