It’s not often I obsess about something. And for the most part, I am a calm, rational man without a shred of proven insanity. With that being said, I’d like to take a break from talking about fisting, leprechauns, and fisting leprechauns and discuss an obsession I’ve had for quite some time that only until now has been plaguing me like Glenn Beck plagues America: Fair to Midland.
Fair to Midland is a band. No wait. Fair to Midland is an aural essence that makes the universe good. If the world were to end in 2012 like the Mayans predict, Fair to Midland would be the group of people to stop that. And by people I mean the lions that form Voltron because I bet they have robotic lions stashed away somewhere. Basically what I’m saying is that Fair to Midland is more important than what you think is important. Oh your kid has diabetes? Your baby was born without a face? Not important. Besides, if your kid grew up having any kind of taste, his face would be rocked off by this band anyway. Your poor genetics just saved them the trouble.
The crux of this problem is that I haven’t heard any new music from them in a long time. I have listened to Fables From a Mayfly, Inter.Funda.Stifle, Carbon Copy Silver Lining, Drawn and Quartered, and even some site that has really old stuff by them, thousands of times. It’s not enough. I’m addicted, and I’m taking it upon myself to write this very non-psychotic letter to them, asking for them to give me new music soon before I go absolutely crazy and need some kind of musical methadone.
My liege(s),
Your music is the best thing that has ever touched a human’s sense of sound. Every time I hear your music, I feel like I was touched by Jesus. Appropriately touched. Not pedo-touched like the Catholic Jesus who lures children to his van with girl scout cookies and Smarties.
I am writing to ask beg you for new music soon. I am going through a musical withdrawal, and I hate feeling like a heroin-addict. It makes me feel really dirty, and also lame because if I have to go through some kind of program, I’m going to feel like an asshole saying “I’m addicted to Fair to Midland” while some guy without teeth talks about his problems with meth. All I’m asking is that you don’t make me do that.
I don’t want to talk to meth heads!
Another thing, I noticed you all have never been to the east coast, specifically New Jersey. Now, while I firmly believe you all have the power to combat intergalactic space/time travel, you may have forgotten all about the east coast. So I’m drawing you a map of where it is in conjunction to where you are:
I hope this helps.
If the reason you haven’t been to New Jersey is because of the media’s portrayal of it, that’s not a problem. I am a strong man and will fight off any of those oily guidos who try to talk to or infect you. If they even look at you wrong, I will cut off their back hair (which is the source of any Italian’s strength.) If you are afraid of some kind of lung disease, I will get you gas masks. I will even buy them in Pennsylvania so they weren’t touched by any of New Jersey’s tainted atoms. I hear that Darroh likes to pee in water bottles. Well, I will get you bigger and better water bottles to pee in!
I will construct bubbles or plastic cages…like the ones they give to the pope if you’re afraid of any kind of mugging, beating, shooting, and/or raping by the East Coast’s seedy underbelly. If you need whores, but don’t want an STD from a New Jersey whore, I will import whores from anywhere you wish. (Please let me know in advance on this, because I bet I can get like a group discount or something.)
Please. I am not dying or anything…but if it comes down to it, I will lie in a room of radon and asbestos so I develop cancer so the Make A Wish Foundation comes knocking on your door and gets you to play for me.
I hope this letter finds you well, and thank you for saving our universe.
Sincerely,
Swimfan
…errrr IamRob
There. Not psychotic at all. Now we play the waiting game.
Popularity: 75%
Yeah that letter isn’t psychotic at all!
Hahahaha…
Very applicable Swim Fan reference. i never even heard of these guys until now. they rock! I dont understand his lyrics but they rock!
I like how you have them detour around West Virgina and PA to get to Jersey.
@Sporting16w: I only have their very best interests in mind.
I bought their album well the newest one I guess. That first song is AMAZING. They have the weirdest titles for there songs,but it’s really good. Thanks for turning me onto these guys!
I’d never heard of these guys before but they are really good. Rob I think this letter is awesome! Anytime I need to write a Dear Jane letter in a non-psychotic way I’m going to hire you.
ha! you don’t know me, but brett linked this on his facebook. too funny. & they have uhm, friends in NY, so i’m surprised they’ve never been to jersey. but they’ve played in NY. i believe? maybe before you knew them.
props to you for offering guido help! i think this will definitely encourage them to hit the east coast. =)
This letter isn’t psychotic. I know exactly how you feel. Fair to Midland touches your soul and helps you to understand goodness and light and everything beautiful.
I hope your letter works so that we may all be blessed with new Fair to Midland songs.
@Linda: Awesome! Ask him if he needs goats to be sacrificed. I can find goats. No no, scratch that. I WILL find goats.
@Jess: You and I both know that I don’t have a soul. And if I did, I would’ve sacrificed it to Fair to Midland along with the goats I’m going to get.
as a fellow new jersey native, as well as a fellow fair to midland fan, i could not have said any of that better myself…
(i’m praying for new music soon and of course a local show)
If Rob suggests music, I’ll listen. Got it on iTunes today. I am impressed to say the least. Is there really only one singer? It sounds like 3. Sometimes 3 at once.
They’re ghosts!
I’ve been getting emails on this and I’ll address it here. I’ve known about Fair to Midland since 2007 I think. The first time I actually heard them was on Sirius radio at the gym; they were playing “Dance of the Manatee” and I’m like, “Wow this is really fucking cool music.” Of course, the douchebag DJ’s never tell you who or what they’re actually playing, so I couldn’t use Google to find out anything about them. So I had to recruit my friend Jess to help me. The hardest part was trying to explain what they sound like to someone. “Ugh, the song is metal but has some kind of almost Caribbean/ Samba grooves in parts. The riffs are fairly complex but not like Dillinger Escape Plan to where it’s unlistenably shitty. Ummm think 311, then take the cock out of its ass and give it a thousand testicles. Help you any?”
It didn’t help. Finally MONTHS LATER, she sends me this four song demo from a friend of hers, and I listen to the first three songs which I thought were good, then listen to “Dance of the Manatee” and I’m like, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS THE SONG!” And I’ve been hooked like Jack Osbourne on painkillers ever since.
~fin~
I know EXACTLY what you mean man. Thanks to System of a Down and Serj, I found the band that makes me hard every time I listen. Fair to Midland to me is like a romantic love- Every time you listen you fall in love over again, and you want more and more. For two years I’ve been listening to everything FtM has every recorded- and now I’m in the same boat as the rest of the fans. I’ve fallen deeply in love with Fair to Midland, and will never let them go. 20 years from now I will force my children to listen and memorize the songs that have grown to my soul. They will know them like prayers or old folk-songs. Never to know that this progressive metal band graced our years in our modern youth. I’ve seen Fair to Midland live countless times and each one gives me deeper chills and a strong satisfaction. It’s like they’re slowly making love to my ears.
This is a great article- I wish I could claim it as my own.
Rob introduced me to these guys awhile ago. Love them.
I see words thrown around about these guys…progressive, metal, rock, blah blah…
It’s interesting because I’ve just given up on trying to label them, and I think it’s disingenuous to their music to try and do that. That’s one of the things that separates them from other bands…even bands like Tool or A Perfect Circle, etc. It’s not that they aren’t all good bands, but the difference is I can look at those groups and automatically pinpoint their angle. I’m never surprised. I’m happy they’re writing new music. But never surprised at what they’re doing because I expect what they give.
With Fair to Midland, they do something special. They surprise you AND deliver the goods. I don’t know their angle. I don’t know what they’re going to do next. I have no fucking clue. With them it’s a guessing game, yet their answer is always right. I try to expose myself to as much music as possible, and to have a band execute such an eclectic array of styles that well and with an original flair is not only very fucking cool, it’s a true mark of how they’re exceptional collaborators who utilize their strengths. They’re genuine artists.
This is fantastic and I agree with every point.
COME TO THE EAST.
I wish you had printed the original letter. Remember it? It included far more SwinFan-esque lines, including how you wanted to be inside of them, and that they love you, they know it!
@Konstantine:
Fair to Midland doesn’t bottom for anyone! ANY-ONE!
FAIR TO MIDLAND IS PLAYING IN NY!
They MUST have gotten my letter! Oooooo it’s like they’re Santa except owners of the universe and not fat and jolly douches who steal cookies.
They’re too omnipotent to be jolly!
[...] Fair to Midland Comes to the East Coast. I thank you. [...]
My son recently turned me on to F2M. Having always been a progressive rock fan (IE: King Crimson, Genesis, Happy the Man, etc). I fell in love with this music immediate. These guys are the real deal and Fables is an outstanding effort by the band. This music is a hybrid and the best thing I’ve heard in a long time.
Oh man you have seriously hit the nail on the head. I’ve seen them 3 times now, and just cannot wait until the next time! I absolutely think it’s my favorite music ever!!!!!!
I love your letter!! And I agree with you 100% I will go crazy as well if they dont put out new music. I live in NY and Im waiting for them to come up here, I will travel far to see them live.