Although the movie is no longer with Universal, Adam Sandler appears to be rescuing the project. According to Deadline, Sandler is in final talks to create a live action movie based on the kids’ board game “Candyland” through his Happy Madison production company and Sony’s Columbia Pictures, and he’s also attached to star.

Kevin James will of course be starring as Gloppy the Molasses Monster, who will make us laugh about how fat people are so jolly and awkward, yet lovable while still being diabetic. And Rob Schneider will star as something, because Adam Sandler feels sorry for people.

I look forward to this movie as much as I look forward to my colonoscopy next month. Incidentally, it’s important to take care of your colon. I’m not completely sure about where I was going with this, but comparing ass polyps to Adam Sandler films doesn’t seem like it’s too off topic.

But this entry isn’t about poor or homeless people. It’s about people who can be loved. Celebrate your Valentine’s day by being able to see the person you love. These are the glasses I choose to see the world through. They make my optical nerves tinge and twingle with delight while my retinas feel fantastically and fabulously festive </Courtney Stodden>

So Celebrate your Valentine’s Day by being able to actually see who your Valentine is. My friend Nikki, whom you all remember from the last post, is as blind as you can get while still technically having eyeballs. She has Zenni glasses, and she can now see. You may be wondering what she’s doing for V-Day, so let’s find out, shall we?

Bought Zenni glasses a few months ago and they have since changed my life. For one, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found out he has skin tags that I couldn’t see before. Why the hell didn’t he take those off? Is he trying to look like a leper? He had to go. So you’re asking what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day? Nothing because everyone is so ugly in Iowa. Just the other day I was at the grocery store buying milk and this cashier I recognized had arms that were covered in pimples. I thought they were just knitted sleeves before! Thanks, Zenni Optical for making me absolutely repulsed by humanity. Time to move to a place less fugly! The glasses were cheap, but I’ll more than make up for it in the cost of moving out of Iowa to a place that doesn’t remind me of Oz or Narnia.

Geniessen Sie diese Kartoffeln. Sie passen besonders gut zu den Kuhfladen, die aus deiner Schnauze herabtroepfeln — mit Scheiss-Sauce obendrauf!
Sie sind wohl ein Arschloch, und dieser Satz hat gar nichts mit Spielen zu tun: aber das wissen Sie wohl nicht, weil Sie gar kein Deutsch koennen. Schlappschwanz!

It translates to: Browsergame-World is very good. It’s a very enjoyable place to spend your time if you’re bored at work. They have flash games and a lot of other fun ways to spend your very valuable time.

It’s times like this when I’m very grateful for the friends I have. They can be very nice. Anyway, play some games! FUN. FUN. FUN. FUN. LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!

A baby boom is expected in China in 2012 — the Year of the Dragon. Many parents consider it good luck for their kids to be born now: across Asia, the dragon symbolizes wealth, wisdom, and good fortune.

I’m not saying America is better than China. Most of Americans still believe there is a man in the sky who smites gays with AIDS and dooms non believers to an eternity of hell. I’m saying that it’s just as idiotic for the Chinese to believe that their kids are going to be wealthy because of the year they’re born as it is for Christians to believe that a man turned water into wine or turned a baby into a giraffe, or whatever the hell Hercules’ feats were. I’m not sure about any of it because Wikipedia is shut down.

The year of the dragon won’t make you smarter or richer. It’s the same kind of thinking that got my parents into trouble when they timed my birth so that my astrological sign would be a Leo. They thought it would make me nice and look where it got them. Set on fire, that’s where. That’ll teach you the next time you assholes pressure me to get rid of my training wheels.

Wikipedia will be leading a number of high-profile websites going dark on Wednesday to protest two controversial bills in Congress. SOPA, also known as the Stop Online Piracy Act in the House of Representatives, and PIPA, the Protect I-P Act in the Senate, are designed to crack down on the illegal sharing of movies and music on the Web. However, critics say the anti-piracy legislation is censorship and would force sites to police the online world.

This is particularly devastating because all my research for this site comes from Wikipedia. For example: there’s a picture of Cameron Diaz floating around where she looks like a disgruntled scarecrow on chemo…or that’s at least what I planned to title tomorrow’s post once I edited her wikipedia article accordingly. “Cameron Diaz has cancer” would’ve raised my traffic, but thanks to greedy capitalist pigs that plan is out. How ironic, eh comrades? Looks like I’m on my own for tomorrow.

1. I get paid based on what things I talk about so I’m obligated to talk about celebrities once in awhile. There’s a loophole in the contract, and that is I don’t need to do much research with anything I write which makes talking about this stuff easier.

Apparently one of the Kardashians isn’t really a Kardashian. She is something else. I think it’s the fat one who is nice to everybody. Congratulations on reaping the wealth of being a Kardashian without sharing the DNA that comes with it.

…In sadder news:

2. Kathleen Edward, the girl with Huntington’s disease who was mercilessly tormented by a shitty neighbor has died.

Those who knew 9-year-old Kathleen Edward will never forget her infectious smile, one seen often throughout her battle with Juvenile Huntington’s disease.
The girl who received support from people all over the world after being taunted about dying lost her battle with the disease Wednesday. She died at her Wyandotte home, surrounded by people who love her, said Kathleen’s maternal grandmother, Rebecca Rose.

“She suffered with this disease for a while, and she never complained,” Rose said. “She was always happy, always smiling.”
Rose said her last words to Kathleen were that it was OK to go be with her mom. Laura Edward, Kathleen’s mother, died in 2009 of Huntington’s disease, a hereditary, incurable brain disorder.
“I didn’t want her to suffer anymore,” Rose said.
Kathleen received an outpouring of support from around the world after doctored pictures of her appeared on Facebook, showing the girl and her mother being held by the grim reaper.

It’s rare news articles can get me legitimately upset, but I remember the news articles from years ago with her shitty neighbor, Jennifer Petkov, doing everything she could possibly do to make this poor girl’s life a living hell. If Karma is real, Hindus, prove it by getting that elephant god with all the arms to hit her with a bus.

3. Judge declares missing teen Natalee Holloway dead.

I’m not sure what they were waiting for, but congratulations for progress. High 5!

4. Jennifer Aniston recently had a cup of coffee.

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Quote of the week: “Who told you that you were naked?”
God
Genesis 3:11

How inhumane can one be? To urinate on someone is the ultimate form of disrespect to one’s life. It’s almost as if the marines who shot those Afghans to death, leaving them in a rotting bloody pile, didn’t even care if the Afghans lived or died when they chose to pee on them. The barbarians.

I’m shocked and appalled. It’s not like there are numerous sites on the internet that show men and women who consent to drink piss, bathe in piss, or be bukkaked in piss. There isn’t some term like “water sports” that float around in people’s vocabulary detailing a very specific sexual fetish of people getting pissed on. However, there are a lot of sites with dead corpses consenting to be filmed for the sole purpose of exposing the true horrors of war. We should all thank the media for putting everything into perspective for us. Eye on the ball, everybody. Eye. On. The. Ball.