Diane Lane All-Stars

[Sporting16w]

Bill Simmons wrote this for ESPN Page 2:

Originally Posted by Bill Simmons on ESPN Page 2

You know, it's been a few years since we created the Diane Lane All-Stars. Thanks to botox, lasers, and all the other products and cosmetic treatments, so many older women look fantastic now that it's like trying to figure out which potential Hall of Fame receivers or sluggers from the '90s and '00s should be Hall of Famers. Everyone's stats are inflated. Should we bump the age minimum to 45 (or at least 43)? Probably. But under old-school rules, my batting order looks like this:

1. Jennifer Aniston (40) -- I like having a single leadoff hitter with rumbling ovaries. Aggressive and unquestionably desperate. You'd fear her on the basepaths.

2. Sandra Bullock (46) -- Cheery veteran, good for the clubhouse, willing to give up at-bats and move runners along to help the team.

3. Heather Graham (40) -- Power, OPS, speed, the whole package. It's almost unfair to the others that she's eligible. It's like when Jack Nicklaus joined the PGA Senior Tour.

4. Halle Berry (43) -- Perennial MVP candidate, someone you have to see in person to fully appreciate her greatness. Our highest-paid player.

5. Salma Hayek (43) -- Fiery Latina, prodigious natural gifts, famous for people gawking at her tape measure … home runs.

6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She's our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who's four or five years older than listed.

7. Kelly Preston (47) -- Don't worry about the creepy Travolta stink on her. She's still putting up big stats, and the statistical community loves her.

8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.

9. Cheryl Hines (44) -- Keeps the team loose, keeps everyone laughing, doesn't go for her own stats, gives us a hot-selling jersey for our Jewish fans. Can play four positions.

Starting pitcher: Diane Lane (45) -- Crafty veteran, namesake of the team, knows every trick in the book. She's like Jack Morris circa 1991. You want her out there in big games.

Set-up reliever: Maria Bello (42) -- Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.

Closer: Cindy Crawford (43) -- Still routinely hits 103 on the radar gun.

Coaching staff: Jacqueline Bisset, Julie Christie, Helen Mirren (all in their 60s). Why is it that women with accents retain a level of hotness that American women can't match? OK, maybe I'm alone on this. (Waiting.) Nothing? Let's move on.

What do you think of his list? Who would you put on?

Frankly he has a huge hole without Maura Tierney.

[Ken]

Monica Bellucci wins the "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?" award for looks that defy credulity.



(She's 45.)

And then there's Famke Jannsen, also 45.

[kevinc]

Michelle Phieffer needs to be in there somewhere. Kick Demi Moore off the team and get some real talent.

Bellucci and Jannsen for sure.

Elle MacPherson is still smoking hot. There is a whole lot of territory to explore there.

[Saint]

Jennifer Tilly is over 50. I would put her on the team.

[Bozz]

I've always had a soft spot for Jennifer Coolidge. She's 48

[ShawShaw]

Originally Posted by Bozz

I've always had a soft spot for Jennifer Coolidge. She's 48

Probably because her "soft spots" are the size of freakin' basketballs. Just a hunch.

Johnny Depp makes 46 look pretty damn good.

[carnac]

Originally Posted by Saint

Jennifer Tilly is over 50. I would put her on the team.

Seconded, and she'd kick your ass at poker

[Fuzzy]

Originally Posted by carnac

Seconded, and she'd kick your ass at poker

I'd so hit it. Isn't she dating some world famous poker player?

I'm going to have to add Mariah Carey who squeaks in at 40. That bitch is nuts, but you know what they say about crazy.

[Saint]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy

I'd so hit it. Isn't she dating some world famous poker player?

Phil Laak, The Unabomber. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phil_Laak