Dangerous Lilly is a, how do you say it, “morphously challenged” girl that my board caused a mild upset with.  You can read everything here.  The people of my message board used hate words like “fat,” “the human equivalent of fat dog slop if dog slop could be fat,” and “a blob with a waistband that equals x as x approaches infinity,” to describe her.  All of which, understandably are hurtful words.  The result is Dangeous Lilly crying and writing all of her friends about how “hurtful” I am.

On behalf of my board, I want to apologize to Dangerous Lilly.  She doesn’t deserve any of the ridicule she’s gotten.  I think my board was totally off base and factually incorrect with most of their assumptions, contentions, and opinions in general being intolerant and rude.  Dangerous Lilly, I apologize.  You’re not “fat,” you don’t smell like “pork chops or have tears that smell like gravy,” and the Haiti earthquakes were not caused by you falling out of bed looking for a gummy bear.  Again, I’m sorry.

What the members of my board didn’t know was that you are in fact an Omphalophobic.  Please understand that Omphalophobia is not a common condition, and my readers had no way of knowing you had a fear of your belly button and belly buttons in general.  Please accept our apologies.  You see, most of us believe that people who gain weight, gain weight for several reasons:
1.  They are lazy who would rather cry and eat paper (as long as it was fried) before exercising.

2.  They have some sick fetish for being fat.

3.  They have a glandular problem which prevents them from being thin.

I hope you can understand that gaining weight to make it so you can’t see your belly button anymore, or eat so your stomach gets so big that your navel turns into an imploding “x” because of how scared you are of it is not a common reason to put on weight.  Please accept our sincerest apologies.  No harm, no foul.  And good luck recovering from your Omphalophobia.

If my readers only looked at more of your pictures, it would’ve been more obvious to them.  So many pictures, so little belly button:

This one is one of my favorites. She has a butt that says, “I hope your toilet bowl can fill up water quick enough to flush more than once within 5 minutes to avoid the ‘being in the bathroom too long awkwardness, and you know what? I don’t care!’”

Still no belly button.

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I don’t know if I should be turned on or grossed out by this woman.

She is a blogger who talks about her sex life and how she loves being a fat ass. I will admit that some of her stuff is pretty sexy…until you see her.

Look at these tits:

Now those are some great titties, but you just know the rest will be a mess. I spent 5 minutes searching her site, but couldn’t find anything else. If you are willing please try to find a picture of her ass.

NOTE: That picture was taken by Lilly, the author of the website.

So here is my issue…If you are a fat girl and are still sexy please just admit that you are also unhealthy. Being fat isn’t healthy. It isn’t a lifestyle choice. It is just laziness.

Therefore our Freak of the Day is Lilly, for turning me on and disgusting me at the same time.

FYI - Go Saints.

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As you may recall, my computer died several months ago. Even now, even after all the time that has passed, it still hurts to think about the too bright days of yesteryear.

Yes, the condolences were nice. The friendly pats on the back, and the people who would come up to me and share their own stories. Still, the bitter taste of my once fond memories was in my mouth.

Could anyone really know what it was like? That computer was MINE. I knew it, by virtue of being a touch typist, better than I knew the backs of my own hands. Could they know how sweet it had been to cuddle with it at night, and look at pornography on the internet? Those wild nights, when multiple tabs were full of multiple big-breasted whores.

Food lost it’s flavor, songs could no longer raise the spirits in me, and all my other emotional connections felt cheap. I would stare at the sun, eyes wild with fury, and demand to know how it could shine in a world in which my lap top no longer worked.

But passion has a way of fading and turning us all into hypocrites. I spent several pornless months in that data brothel known as the public library. Then broke, with no other prospects, I fell into the embrace of the first slutty Wal-Mart pre-built that would have me.

I tried to pretend I didn’t mind that it didn’t have internal speakers, wireless antenna, or a microphone. It was still a computer. Surely, it was better than being unplugged? Surely being able to look at some porn, even if having to do so only while being extremely cautious, was better than nothing?

So I bought a microphone for the computer. And then I took my computer in front of the mirror, and ran my hands sensually up and down the microphone saying “Oh yeah, you and me baby. We’re going to make so much fucking audio. We’re going to record until your entire hard-drive is fucking spent.”

Then I bought a drawing tablet and plugged it in, hard and fast so I wouldn’t think about how shitty my computer’s processor was. And then I drew some shit on my tiny ass monitor. I was like “Save that jpeg you fucking whore! Save it to the C drive! Fuck yes I will choose my own file name!”

I found myself accessorizing my tower as much as I could, just to forget the time I had spent with my adventurous lap top, that would go anywhere and do anything.

Finally, disgusted with myself and looking to hit rock bottom, I took my enormous bonus check* and bought a flat-screen tv on clearance and a wireless keyboard. I sit here now, pounding on my wireless keyboard with wild, animal abandon, staring at my obscenely giant monitor with eyes that seem only to want to stare into the past… and you know what?

Maybe by using my skanky new computer I’m not dishonoring the memory of my old computer. Maybe my love for a lady doesn’t mean I can’t love a skank as well. Maybe there are new kinds of fun besides being able to have a trillion applications running at once. Maybe I can learn to enjoy computing in one location. Maybe… just maybe I’ll learn to laugh again.

For a skank… my new computer is pretty fucking hot. If you’ll excuse me, I need to find stuff to shove into all the USB ports on the back at the same time.

*Enormous by my white trash standards.

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Meet Mia Landingham:

Mia was recently sentenced for an…interesting…crime.  See, Mia is not a small lady.  She’s 5′9", and when she was placed on a police scale that went up to 350 pounds, they discovered that it wasn’t sufficient to weigh her.  Why was she on a police scale, you ask?  Ah, don’t worry, we’re getting there.

Our pal Mia had a boyfriend.  (No, seriously!  One who apparently was willing to sleep with her often enough to end up with three kids with her!)  Please notice I said "had."  The past tense, as will become apparent, is very necessary hear.  Mia’s boyfriend, Mikal Middleton-Bey was a much leaner fellow, standing 5′10" and weighing only 126 pounds.  (Go ahead, try to get thoughts about how the mechanics of that coupling worked out of your head.)  Mikal and Mia had a stormy relationship, resulting in a few fights (and, according to sources, "a long history of domestic abuse ").  During the last fight they would ever have, something happened .

Now, none of the news stories I have found detail anything that Mikal and Mia said during their last argument, so I’m working from pure speculation here.  But I really want to believe that the last thing Mikal ever said to Mia was, "What are you going to do about it, sit on me?"

Because that’s just what Mia did.  She sat on her poor, willowy boyfriend, eventually asphyxiating him.  Which led to one of the most awesome moments in reporting ever, when one intrepid reporter paraphrased Mia’s statements at sentencing by saying Mia "told the judge she was sorry for squashing the father of her children."  Fantastic.

While I couldn’t find a picture of him for the story, and while I do hate to speak ill of the dead, Mikal is going to be our Freak for the day.  Seriously, a little guy like that staying with a girl this size should have known he’d end up like this some day.

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Being a Michigander, this story hits a little close to home to me.  It’s not possible to describe this in a way that makes it sound funnier or more ridiculous than it already is, so I’ll let everyone see for themselves.

Paul Scott seems prepared to court controversy in his candidacy for Michigan Secretary of State.

In an announcement letter posted last week, Scott, a Republican state representative from Grand Blanc, includes this double-take-worthy bullet point:

“I will make it a priority to ensure transgender individuals will not be allowed to change the sex on their driver’s license in any circumstance.”

He’s referring to a change in policy that dates to 2005, when Transgender Michigan and the American Civil Liberties Union of Michigan’s LGBT Project successfully lobbied the Secretary of State’s office to allow individuals to change the gender markers on driver’s licenses and state ID cards. (We have since learned that this rule was reversed).

In short, Scotty Boy here is campaigning under a rather surprising assumption: that the most pressing issue currently facing the state of Michigan is transgendered people and their driver’s licenses.

I have little to say about this, except “Bravo!”  Scotty Boy apparently has the inside track on some terrific news.  Only an idiot could possibly run their campaign on a basis like this if they didn’t secretly know that our economy (which is totally fucked in the ass) wasn’t about to make a miraculous upturn, therefore removing it from the table of shit that’s actually important.

A vote for Scotty Boy is a vote for optimism.  You heard it here first, folks.

It had been the long-standing policy of the office that a person’s gender could not be changed unless the individual had first undergone gender reassignment surgery.

In a letter to the Secretary of State, ACLU of Michigan’s LGBT Project attorney Jay Kaplan wrote, “The current policy excludes a majority of the transgender community who have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and are under treatment of medical professionals. Most transgender persons cannot afford sexual reassignment surgery, nor have health insurance that will pay for such surgery.”

Don’t give me any of these phony baloney “facts.”  Any stuck-up educmacated twit can prove anything as long as they have “facts” to back it up.  What, you think you’re better than me?  I bet I could kick your ass!

Scott’s letter also emphasizes pro-life values. He’s best known in his district for introducing a workplace smoking ban.

That’s fantastic.  God knows that if anything’s been putting my ass in the poorhouse besides transgendered people and their driver’s licenses, it’s women having the right to decide whether or not to carry out a pregnancy.

The smoking ban makes him seem kind of faggy though.  USA!  USA!

The content of his letter already has attracted some ire online. The en|Gender blogger, who writes about gender-issues, says:

“I thought for a minute I was reading a parody & checked the page to make sure it wasn’t The Onion. On the one hand, I’m kind of blown away that the need for gender marker changes on ID is even being recognized as something transgender people need to do. On the other: really? Is blocking a transgender person’s right to change their gender marker a key issue?”

Of course it is.  Hippie.

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Ice princess Nancy Kerrigan’s brother Mark jailed for a brawl with their father that led to the elderly man’s sudden death, was jealous of her Olympic fame and prone to violent, drunken temper tantrums, Mark’s ex-wife said yesterday.

I would be terrified to put my dick anywhere near that mouth.

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Who is the Freak of the Day? Whatever genius had the courage to have Heather Locklear have cucumber sex with Swamp Thing. Now, I must live my entire life trying to perform a similar feat of daring lest I be denied entrance to Valhalla

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A school district in Menifee, California had a complaint (yes, one complaint) from a parent of an elementary school student who “stumbled across” a definition of oral sex in a dictionary in the elementary school library.  (Yes, we’re sure little Johnny was the first elementary school kid ever to actually run across this kind of word accidentally, instead of, say, because his little friends encouraged him to look up “naughty” words.)  So what is the school’s reaction?  Why, remove all of the offending dictionaries from the library, of course. What else?

From the article:

The collegiate dictionaries were purchased several years ago to allow advanced readers in the fourth and fifth grades to look up words that they didn’t know, Cadmus said.

Other less extensive and more elementary dictionaries remain available to students, she said.

Well, that’s a relief.  It’s good to know that kids who were advanced enough to cause this school district to pull its head out of its ass for three minutes and do something for the good of the kids still have access to less extensive, more elementary resources that won’t tax them by allowing them to look up complicated words.  Whew!

A little quick aside:  I’m not sure exactly what definition this version of the dictionary had for oral sex, but I bet it’s not too far off the online definition on Merriam-Webster’s website:  Oral stimulation of the genitals. Holy shit, that’s hot stuff!

So, what are the opinions of the awesome ladies and gentlemen that are making sure that our schoolkids aren’t exposed to these terribly erotic definitions in a dictionary (leaving them to learn about them the right way - on the back of the school bus for the lucky boys, or through undoubtedly disturbing results from Google for the majority)?  A California Department of Education spokeswoman:

California Department of Education spokeswoman Tina Jung said parents need to get involved and talk to their children about what they consider appropriate and inappropriate.

“It’s quite possible that no one could have foreseen that kids would look up words that pique their curiosity,” Jung said.

Yeah, that sounds right.  I mean, who would have thought kids would look up dirty words in the dictionary just like every other kid who has ever used a dictionary in the history of the world? Considering how we’ve all turned out after doing exactly the same thing as kids, maybe we do need to take the dictionaries away.

Also, from the grandparents of kids in the school:

But Glenn and Barbara Lassiter, whose 10-year-old granddaughter is a student at Oak Meadows, said they think the school district is handling the situation appropriately.

Glenn Lassiter said the district could surely find dictionaries that are designed with younger readers in mind that don’t contain explicit references.

Hey, let’s not stop there!  I’m sure even these “younger reader” dictionaries have all kinds of words with innocuous, completely dry definitions that would offend somebody .  We need to get all of the offensive words out of there!  We need a completely inoffensive dictionary, benefits to the children of a real dictionary be damned!  Here, Menifee school kids, your brand new dictionary, now with zero possible offense to anyone:

Main Entry: ¹ a

Pronunciation: \ˈ ā\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural a’s or as \ˈ āz\

Usage: often capitalized often attributive

Date: before 12th century

1 a : the 1st letter of the English alphabet b : a graphic representation of this letter **** c : a speech counterpart of orthographic a *****
2 : the sixth tone of a C-major scale ***
3 : a graphic device for reproducing the letter a ******
4 : one designated a especially as the first in order or class *******
5 a : a grade rating a student’s work as superior in quality b : one graded or rated with an A **
6 : something shaped like the letter A
7 capitalized : the one of the four ABO blood groups characterized by the presence of antigens designated by the letter A and by the presence of antibodies against the antigens present in the B blood group*

What?  No, don’t worry about definition number 5a in your new, complete, inoffensive dictionary.  The Menifee School District is going to dumb things down until they’re entirely inoffensive.  Once you go on to college, you won’t know enough to get anywhere near definition number 5.

So who’s the freak today?  Fuck, I don’t know, take your pick.  I guess I’ll settle for the parent that started this shitstorm.

*Sorry, we’re striking that one.  Don’t want to offend anyone whose religion teaches that blood transfusions are evil.

**Shit, that one too.  Don’t want to piss off the stupid people.

***Just in case someone doesn’t believe in music.  Got to get out in front of possible problems, you know.

****That word “graphic” in the definition is a little scary.  It gets applied to pornography, we don’t want that association in our dictionary.

*****Come on, “orthographic?”  These kids aren’t going to have access to a decent dictionary, remember?  We’re going to have to cut that.  Besides, there’s “graphic” again, and that it sounds really dirty with “ortho” on the front.

******Oops, there’s that “graphic” word again!

*******Yeah, these kids aren’t ever going to need to know about being first in anything.  I think we’re good now.

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Another day, another freak. This morning, I began the highly scientific process of opening a browser window and aimlessly clicking around with one hand tucked into my pants, when Yahoo!–as it has every day since they changed the front page to the new format–pissed me right off.

Fuck you.

Forget the idiot who likened welfare programs to feeding stray animals. Forget P. Diddy’s kid. Forget Gary Coleman. Forget Gary Coleman’s wife. Forget Gary Coleman’s wife’s busted grill. Yahoo! itself, one of the epicenters of Internet life, is downright freakish. I can’t describe how needlessly frustrating and counterintuitive this interface is. This must be how porn actresses feel when they’re in a bukkake scene.

First thing’s first: the moment the page loads, an enormous square pops up, obscuring pretty much everything: “Add your favorite sites!” Thanks for the offer, but I’m pretty sure I know why I came here, and it isn’t to do that. This is the 21st century. Nobody goes to Yahoo! anymore just for shits and giggles. People know why they’re here, so kindly try not to impede them.

But it’s not over yet. If your mouse pointer so much as breathes upon any of the dozen plus options to the left, you get more screen-obscuring pop-ups. It’s convenient, if you like things uncontrollably flying at your face, which brings us back to the bukkake simile. You also sometimes get advertisements that, again, occur on mouseover. Really, mouseover pop-ups are pretty much the worst thing to happen to human civilization since the Third Reich.

Using a small, tucked-away option in the corner, you can switch the format back to something resembling the way Yahoo! used to be, but that doesn’t erase the fact that this horrid design is foisted upon web users by default, or that somebody ever thought it was a great idea in the first place.

I know this was supposed to have something to do with freaks and stuff. Screw it. Pretend I said something about retards, midgets, Gary Busey, whatever. Something like that. P.S. Screw Yahoo!

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That is the face of a stone-cold bitch beater. Fine, he is only 3′8″ (my best guess, I’m at work and not looking it up) and hasn’t worked in years, but he is still a thug.

The diminutive former “Diff’rent Strokes” star was picked up in his Utah hometown yesterday on a domestic-violence warrant, sources said.

That is according to Fox News, but I’m going with it.

Cops in Santaquin, outside Salt Lake City, would not comment on the arrest, but Utah County jail records indicate that Coleman, 41, was being held in lieu of $1,725 bail for the 2009 warrant.

He was on a TV show and can’t come up with $1700 bucks. Even Lohan could come up with that.

I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking that Gary Coleman is the Freak of the Day, but you would be wrong.

Coleman’s relationship with his wife, actress Shannon Price, has been rocky over the years, although the alleged victim in the current case is not known.

Shannon Price is our Freak of the Day. 1 - who the fuck marries Gary Coleman and 2 - Who the fuck gets beat up by a washed up midget?

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