A school district in Menifee, California had a complaint (yes, one complaint) from a parent of an elementary school student who “stumbled across” a definition of oral sex in a dictionary in the elementary school library.  (Yes, we’re sure little Johnny was the first elementary school kid ever to actually run across this kind of word accidentally, instead of, say, because his little friends encouraged him to look up “naughty” words.)  So what is the school’s reaction?  Why, remove all of the offending dictionaries from the library, of course. What else?

From the article:

The collegiate dictionaries were purchased several years ago to allow advanced readers in the fourth and fifth grades to look up words that they didn’t know, Cadmus said.

Other less extensive and more elementary dictionaries remain available to students, she said.

Well, that’s a relief.  It’s good to know that kids who were advanced enough to cause this school district to pull its head out of its ass for three minutes and do something for the good of the kids still have access to less extensive, more elementary resources that won’t tax them by allowing them to look up complicated words.  Whew!

A little quick aside:  I’m not sure exactly what definition this version of the dictionary had for oral sex, but I bet it’s not too far off the online definition on Merriam-Webster’s website:  Oral stimulation of the genitals. Holy shit, that’s hot stuff!

So, what are the opinions of the awesome ladies and gentlemen that are making sure that our schoolkids aren’t exposed to these terribly erotic definitions in a dictionary (leaving them to learn about them the right way - on the back of the school bus for the lucky boys, or through undoubtedly disturbing results from Google for the majority)?  A California Department of Education spokeswoman:

California Department of Education spokeswoman Tina Jung said parents need to get involved and talk to their children about what they consider appropriate and inappropriate.

“It’s quite possible that no one could have foreseen that kids would look up words that pique their curiosity,” Jung said.

Yeah, that sounds right.  I mean, who would have thought kids would look up dirty words in the dictionary just like every other kid who has ever used a dictionary in the history of the world? Considering how we’ve all turned out after doing exactly the same thing as kids, maybe we do need to take the dictionaries away.

Also, from the grandparents of kids in the school:

But Glenn and Barbara Lassiter, whose 10-year-old granddaughter is a student at Oak Meadows, said they think the school district is handling the situation appropriately.

Glenn Lassiter said the district could surely find dictionaries that are designed with younger readers in mind that don’t contain explicit references.

Hey, let’s not stop there!  I’m sure even these “younger reader” dictionaries have all kinds of words with innocuous, completely dry definitions that would offend somebody .  We need to get all of the offensive words out of there!  We need a completely inoffensive dictionary, benefits to the children of a real dictionary be damned!  Here, Menifee school kids, your brand new dictionary, now with zero possible offense to anyone:

Main Entry: ¹ a

Pronunciation: \ˈ ā\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural a’s or as \ˈ āz\

Usage: often capitalized often attributive

Date: before 12th century

1 a : the 1st letter of the English alphabet b : a graphic representation of this letter **** c : a speech counterpart of orthographic a *****
2 : the sixth tone of a C-major scale ***
3 : a graphic device for reproducing the letter a ******
4 : one designated a especially as the first in order or class *******
5 a : a grade rating a student’s work as superior in quality b : one graded or rated with an A **
6 : something shaped like the letter A
7 capitalized : the one of the four ABO blood groups characterized by the presence of antigens designated by the letter A and by the presence of antibodies against the antigens present in the B blood group*

What?  No, don’t worry about definition number 5a in your new, complete, inoffensive dictionary.  The Menifee School District is going to dumb things down until they’re entirely inoffensive.  Once you go on to college, you won’t know enough to get anywhere near definition number 5.

So who’s the freak today?  Fuck, I don’t know, take your pick.  I guess I’ll settle for the parent that started this shitstorm.

*Sorry, we’re striking that one.  Don’t want to offend anyone whose religion teaches that blood transfusions are evil.

**Shit, that one too.  Don’t want to piss off the stupid people.

***Just in case someone doesn’t believe in music.  Got to get out in front of possible problems, you know.

****That word “graphic” in the definition is a little scary.  It gets applied to pornography, we don’t want that association in our dictionary.

*****Come on, “orthographic?”  These kids aren’t going to have access to a decent dictionary, remember?  We’re going to have to cut that.  Besides, there’s “graphic” again, and that it sounds really dirty with “ortho” on the front.

******Oops, there’s that “graphic” word again!

*******Yeah, these kids aren’t ever going to need to know about being first in anything.  I think we’re good now.

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