First, I want to introduce you to Travis Ballenger:

Travis is NOT our Freak of the Day, because what he pulled is just outright disgusting.  But I felt like he deserved a bit more derision, so here’s the picture taken after he was arrested for the attempted rape that earned him the bloody beating that left these marks.  Again, not the Freak of the Day, because that’s just insulting to the label.  No, our Freaks today are two other dudes who start out as absolutely awesome, guys who earn quite a bit of respect for their initial reaction to a bad situation, but who veer off into pure freaky.

With a heavy heart, given their laudable initial actions, I have to name Bernard Cushman and John Purkey our freaks today.

These two guys were in the house with shitbag up there when he pushed a woman down on the couch and started trying to rip off her pants and rape her.  Upon hearing the woman scream, their first reaction was, as it should be, to enter the room and start kicking rapist ass.

Rapey McFuckstain, realizing he was getting his ass beat, took flight.  Our heroes could not abide his getaway, so they pursued.  With a knife.  OK, getting to be a bit much, but still entirely understandable.

Apparently, it’s at this point that the police catch them, decide that Bernie and Johnny are being a bit too vigorous, even given the deserving nature of Fuckstick Rapenstein, and arrest all three of them.  You know, I’m still OK with them at that point.  Maybe it isn’t strictly necessary to chase down and continue beating the dude after you stop the rape, but I can certainly understand the impulse.  Fine.

It’s the last little throwaway paragraph at the end of the article that did it for me.  Allow me to quote:

Both [Cushman and Purkey] also were charged with trying to smuggle contraband into the jail, when Collier jail deputies found they had shoved cigarettes up their rectums to sneak the smokes inside.

Damn, guys.  You had an almost perfectly cool story to tell about beating a rapist so bad the cops arrested you.  Good stuff.  Chances are, somebody in jail would have given you some smokes just for doing that.  You didn’t need to shove cigarettes up your asses together and ruin the whole thing.

And I’m going to assume you just decided to do this together when you realized you were being arrested.  The alternative is that you were just hanging out together with cigarettes up your asses before the rapist beat-down, and that idea is just too damn weird.

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What do you call it?  “Curling?”  You know, the one that isn’t a real sport and it’s more like sweeping the floor really quickly.  You can see how a pregnant woman might be really good at it.

As with all curling teams, Team Canada features five member. Well, six if you really want to get technical with it.

Alternate Kristie Moore, 30, is 5-1/2 months pregnant, making her just the second athlete ever known to be with child during Olympic competition. Ninety years ago, Swedish figure skater Magda Julin won a gold medal at the Antwerp Games of 1920 while in her first trimester.

Though she has started to show (as evidenced in the picture above), Moore says that her pregnancy has not affected her ability to deliver rocks … yet. “[In] the eighth month or so, that might be an issue,” she said.

Moore found out about her pregnancy weeks before team officials invited her to join Team Canada as an alternate. When she divulged her secret, the team was more than supportive. Said team leader Cheryl Bernard, “she is young and fit. There’s no reason we’ll have any problems and she’ll be out there.”

Barring any unforseen problems with the other four members of the team, it’s unlikely Moore would see any action during the Games. During competition her role as an alternate is much like a backup quarterback in football. She’ll be called upon if needed. Moore has said that while she’d like to get out on the ice, doing so would mean having to play at the expense of someone else’s injury.

Team Canada is the gold medal favorite in the women’s curling event, which begins today and runs through next Friday. Even if Moore doesn’t play, she would receive any medal Canada wins.

Jokes about delivering rocks aside, that’s cool.  I have no idea what curling is, Canada remains a mystery to me, and I have no idea what’s going on as far as the Olympics are concerned.  I didn’t even know people played sports in the winter.  Do the official hotels offer complimentary sardine-and-banana sandwiches to pregnant competitors?  Do I have a point?  Man, I’m hungry.

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Last Friday I wrote about a fat chick who calls herself Dangerous Lilly. I tried to be nice to her and I even called her sexy. Well, she had to go and get righteous and start calling us names. She said I was mean to her. I really wasn’t. Go back and click that link and you will see.

Now go read her website and try not to barf.

I was content to let my little write up go and just come up with something else for this week, but now I can’t do that. You see Lilly has her army of fatties up in arms and on the prowl. It is time I strike back.

Fair warning, I am a fat guy. I care that I am fat and I am trying to lose all the weight that my laziness put on.

Lilly says I was mean in my first post, perhaps it is time to show her what mean really is.

Lilly, you are the reason that some guys fuck other guys in the ass. I would rather blow an AIDS patient than try to find that giant ax wound you call a cunt. Your pussy must smell like a combination of McDonald’s special sauce, anchovies, and turkey gravy. Your legs look like they could support an NFL O-Lineman.

I notice that we never really see a picture of your face. Is that because it would turn me to stone? How fucking ugly are you that you will show your giant lumpy tits but not your face? How much worse can it get?

Come on and tell us if that is a man or woman in the picture with you? We are dying to know. How did you get your husband to marry you? Was it blackmail? Is your family rich? Why no kids? Are you actually a hippopotamus in a really bad wig?

Here is what it comes down to: You fucking love attention. You said I made you cry but you liked it. You enjoy people talking about you no matter what they say. That is the only reason why you post naked pictures and talk about your sex life. Your real life is too mind-achingly bad so you created this online world. The only people that find you attractive are the people who cannot function in the real world. They sit at home and jerk off to you, and you love it. I tried jerking off to you and my penis cried. Literal tears came out. It hadn’t been that upset since…fuck it has never been that upset.

Stop posting naked pictures. Stop writing about how sexy you are. Start a blog about your weight loss plan and stick to it.

If that fails join Freak Safari and be proud of the disgusting freak that you actually are.

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It would seem that our good friend Dangerous Lilly has graced these pages a number of times recently, but little attention has been devoted to her good friend, who shares the following photo opportunity:

A few sober questions to this friend of our friend:

1.  Where did you get that fly tie?

2. What are you saying in this picture?  My amateur lip-reading skills indicate that you are forming a “y” sound.  I suggest the answer could be, “You are going to make an unforgettable debut in the Freak Safari community.”

3.  Is that a dildo coming in from offscreen?

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Dangerous Lilly is a, how do you say it, “morphously challenged” girl that my board caused a mild upset with.  You can read everything here.  The people of my message board used hate words like “fat,” “the human equivalent of fat dog slop if dog slop could be fat,” and “a blob with a waistband that equals x as x approaches infinity,” to describe her.  All of which, understandably are hurtful words.  The result is Dangeous Lilly crying and writing all of her friends about how “hurtful” I am.

On behalf of my board, I want to apologize to Dangerous Lilly.  She doesn’t deserve any of the ridicule she’s gotten.  I think my board was totally off base and factually incorrect with most of their assumptions, contentions, and opinions in general being intolerant and rude.  Dangerous Lilly, I apologize.  You’re not “fat,” you don’t smell like “pork chops or have tears that smell like gravy,” and the Haiti earthquakes were not caused by you falling out of bed looking for a gummy bear.  Again, I’m sorry.

What the members of my board didn’t know was that you are in fact an Omphalophobic.  Please understand that Omphalophobia is not a common condition, and my readers had no way of knowing you had a fear of your belly button and belly buttons in general.  Please accept our apologies.  You see, most of us believe that people who gain weight, gain weight for several reasons:
1.  They are lazy who would rather cry and eat paper (as long as it was fried) before exercising.

2.  They have some sick fetish for being fat.

3.  They have a glandular problem which prevents them from being thin.

I hope you can understand that gaining weight to make it so you can’t see your belly button anymore, or eat so your stomach gets so big that your navel turns into an imploding “x” because of how scared you are of it is not a common reason to put on weight.  Please accept our sincerest apologies.  No harm, no foul.  And good luck recovering from your Omphalophobia.

If my readers only looked at more of your pictures, it would’ve been more obvious to them.  So many pictures, so little belly button:

This one is one of my favorites. She has a butt that says, “I hope your toilet bowl can fill up water quick enough to flush more than once within 5 minutes to avoid the ‘being in the bathroom too long awkwardness, and you know what? I don’t care!’”

Still no belly button.

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I don’t know if I should be turned on or grossed out by this woman.

She is a blogger who talks about her sex life and how she loves being a fat ass. I will admit that some of her stuff is pretty sexy…until you see her.

Look at these tits:

Now those are some great titties, but you just know the rest will be a mess. I spent 5 minutes searching her site, but couldn’t find anything else. If you are willing please try to find a picture of her ass.

NOTE: That picture was taken by Lilly, the author of the website.

So here is my issue…If you are a fat girl and are still sexy please just admit that you are also unhealthy. Being fat isn’t healthy. It isn’t a lifestyle choice. It is just laziness.

Therefore our Freak of the Day is Lilly, for turning me on and disgusting me at the same time.

FYI - Go Saints.

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As you may recall, my computer died several months ago. Even now, even after all the time that has passed, it still hurts to think about the too bright days of yesteryear.

Yes, the condolences were nice. The friendly pats on the back, and the people who would come up to me and share their own stories. Still, the bitter taste of my once fond memories was in my mouth.

Could anyone really know what it was like? That computer was MINE. I knew it, by virtue of being a touch typist, better than I knew the backs of my own hands. Could they know how sweet it had been to cuddle with it at night, and look at pornography on the internet? Those wild nights, when multiple tabs were full of multiple big-breasted whores.

Food lost it’s flavor, songs could no longer raise the spirits in me, and all my other emotional connections felt cheap. I would stare at the sun, eyes wild with fury, and demand to know how it could shine in a world in which my lap top no longer worked.

But passion has a way of fading and turning us all into hypocrites. I spent several pornless months in that data brothel known as the public library. Then broke, with no other prospects, I fell into the embrace of the first slutty Wal-Mart pre-built that would have me.

I tried to pretend I didn’t mind that it didn’t have internal speakers, wireless antenna, or a microphone. It was still a computer. Surely, it was better than being unplugged? Surely being able to look at some porn, even if having to do so only while being extremely cautious, was better than nothing?

So I bought a microphone for the computer. And then I took my computer in front of the mirror, and ran my hands sensually up and down the microphone saying “Oh yeah, you and me baby. We’re going to make so much fucking audio. We’re going to record until your entire hard-drive is fucking spent.”

Then I bought a drawing tablet and plugged it in, hard and fast so I wouldn’t think about how shitty my computer’s processor was. And then I drew some shit on my tiny ass monitor. I was like “Save that jpeg you fucking whore! Save it to the C drive! Fuck yes I will choose my own file name!”

I found myself accessorizing my tower as much as I could, just to forget the time I had spent with my adventurous lap top, that would go anywhere and do anything.

Finally, disgusted with myself and looking to hit rock bottom, I took my enormous bonus check* and bought a flat-screen tv on clearance and a wireless keyboard. I sit here now, pounding on my wireless keyboard with wild, animal abandon, staring at my obscenely giant monitor with eyes that seem only to want to stare into the past… and you know what?

Maybe by using my skanky new computer I’m not dishonoring the memory of my old computer. Maybe my love for a lady doesn’t mean I can’t love a skank as well. Maybe there are new kinds of fun besides being able to have a trillion applications running at once. Maybe I can learn to enjoy computing in one location. Maybe… just maybe I’ll learn to laugh again.

For a skank… my new computer is pretty fucking hot. If you’ll excuse me, I need to find stuff to shove into all the USB ports on the back at the same time.

*Enormous by my white trash standards.

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Meet Mia Landingham:

Mia was recently sentenced for an…interesting…crime.  See, Mia is not a small lady.  She’s 5′9", and when she was placed on a police scale that went up to 350 pounds, they discovered that it wasn’t sufficient to weigh her.  Why was she on a police scale, you ask?  Ah, don’t worry, we’re getting there.

Our pal Mia had a boyfriend.  (No, seriously!  One who apparently was willing to sleep with her often enough to end up with three kids with her!)  Please notice I said "had."  The past tense, as will become apparent, is very necessary hear.  Mia’s boyfriend, Mikal Middleton-Bey was a much leaner fellow, standing 5′10" and weighing only 126 pounds.  (Go ahead, try to get thoughts about how the mechanics of that coupling worked out of your head.)  Mikal and Mia had a stormy relationship, resulting in a few fights (and, according to sources, "a long history of domestic abuse ").  During the last fight they would ever have, something happened .

Now, none of the news stories I have found detail anything that Mikal and Mia said during their last argument, so I’m working from pure speculation here.  But I really want to believe that the last thing Mikal ever said to Mia was, "What are you going to do about it, sit on me?"

Because that’s just what Mia did.  She sat on her poor, willowy boyfriend, eventually asphyxiating him.  Which led to one of the most awesome moments in reporting ever, when one intrepid reporter paraphrased Mia’s statements at sentencing by saying Mia "told the judge she was sorry for squashing the father of her children."  Fantastic.

While I couldn’t find a picture of him for the story, and while I do hate to speak ill of the dead, Mikal is going to be our Freak for the day.  Seriously, a little guy like that staying with a girl this size should have known he’d end up like this some day.

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Being a Michigander, this story hits a little close to home to me.  It’s not possible to describe this in a way that makes it sound funnier or more ridiculous than it already is, so I’ll let everyone see for themselves.

Paul Scott seems prepared to court controversy in his candidacy for Michigan Secretary of State.

In an announcement letter posted last week, Scott, a Republican state representative from Grand Blanc, includes this double-take-worthy bullet point:

“I will make it a priority to ensure transgender individuals will not be allowed to change the sex on their driver’s license in any circumstance.”

He’s referring to a change in policy that dates to 2005, when Transgender Michigan and the American Civil Liberties Union of Michigan’s LGBT Project successfully lobbied the Secretary of State’s office to allow individuals to change the gender markers on driver’s licenses and state ID cards. (We have since learned that this rule was reversed).

In short, Scotty Boy here is campaigning under a rather surprising assumption: that the most pressing issue currently facing the state of Michigan is transgendered people and their driver’s licenses.

I have little to say about this, except “Bravo!”  Scotty Boy apparently has the inside track on some terrific news.  Only an idiot could possibly run their campaign on a basis like this if they didn’t secretly know that our economy (which is totally fucked in the ass) wasn’t about to make a miraculous upturn, therefore removing it from the table of shit that’s actually important.

A vote for Scotty Boy is a vote for optimism.  You heard it here first, folks.

It had been the long-standing policy of the office that a person’s gender could not be changed unless the individual had first undergone gender reassignment surgery.

In a letter to the Secretary of State, ACLU of Michigan’s LGBT Project attorney Jay Kaplan wrote, “The current policy excludes a majority of the transgender community who have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and are under treatment of medical professionals. Most transgender persons cannot afford sexual reassignment surgery, nor have health insurance that will pay for such surgery.”

Don’t give me any of these phony baloney “facts.”  Any stuck-up educmacated twit can prove anything as long as they have “facts” to back it up.  What, you think you’re better than me?  I bet I could kick your ass!

Scott’s letter also emphasizes pro-life values. He’s best known in his district for introducing a workplace smoking ban.

That’s fantastic.  God knows that if anything’s been putting my ass in the poorhouse besides transgendered people and their driver’s licenses, it’s women having the right to decide whether or not to carry out a pregnancy.

The smoking ban makes him seem kind of faggy though.  USA!  USA!

The content of his letter already has attracted some ire online. The en|Gender blogger, who writes about gender-issues, says:

“I thought for a minute I was reading a parody & checked the page to make sure it wasn’t The Onion. On the one hand, I’m kind of blown away that the need for gender marker changes on ID is even being recognized as something transgender people need to do. On the other: really? Is blocking a transgender person’s right to change their gender marker a key issue?”

Of course it is.  Hippie.

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Ice princess Nancy Kerrigan’s brother Mark jailed for a brawl with their father that led to the elderly man’s sudden death, was jealous of her Olympic fame and prone to violent, drunken temper tantrums, Mark’s ex-wife said yesterday.

I would be terrified to put my dick anywhere near that mouth.

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