You’re getting this picture of hot girls in a sauna because any pictures that actually go with this story would be horrific. But saunas are involved, so, woo! Hot girls in a sauna!

Anyway, over the weekend, at the "Sauna World Championships" (yes, apparently such a thing exists ), a couple of "competitors" ended up in dire straits. One of them died . Who knew that sitting in a 230 degree Fahrenheit box for as long as possible could be dangerous? Well, everybody.

Rick Reilly, a sportswriter, investigated the "sport" of sauna for a book he did. Here’s his description of the condition of one dude who came out of a sauna after eight minutes:

Our friend Rick Ellis from New York went 8:03, to advance. I was waiting to congratulate him when I noticed something awful. There were two big patches of skin missing on his upper lip, just under his nostrils.

"Dude, were you breathing through your nose?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?" he said.

"Your skin is all gone under your nose! It’s burned off!"

He felt his upper lip in horror. He ran to the mirror. The tops of his ears were split open and bubbling. Under his arms and on his back were bright purple patches. His forehead was painted bright red and blistering in front of his eyes. "Man, I’m burning up. Even my tongue is burned."

Hey, sounds fun! Read that whole story from Reilly. It’s…interesting.

All that, though, is just a long road to our Freak of the Day. I’m not going the easy route of naming our hospitalized/dead competitors. They’ve given themselves enough problems. No, our Freak today comes from a second story about this "tragedy."

Look under the accompanying picture, where it says, "Spectators were deeply shocked by the accident." Yep. Spectators. At a sauna sitting contest. Fuck, that’s even worse than the crowd at the World Series of Poker. Sauna sitting spectators, you’re our group Freak of the Day.

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I’m on vacation this week, so you’re lucky I can even get to a computer to give you a short and sweet FOTD today. But here it is.

A 14 year old kid in Orlando noticed a 4 year old lost and searching for her mother in a store. He took the 4-year-old’s hand, told his own mother he was helping a child, and walked the child around to look for her mommy. He even stepped just out the door of the store to see if some women leaving were the mother, then found the mother when he turned to re-enter the store. All was well, right? Wrong.

While he continued to hang out at the store, looking at shoes, the mother had the store call police, who came and arrested the kid for fucking "child abduction." Then the media picked up the story, ran the 14-year-old kid’s full name, and reported that "deputies were able to arrest him before he was able to get away with the girl." Like a fucking SWAT team took down some crazed kidnapper instead of showing up at a store to arrest a helpful kid looking at shoes.

After the shit settled down, the mother declined to press charges (for, I think, obvious reasons). The police, on the other hand, in order to save face after arresting a clearly innocent kid, kept after him with charges of false imprisonment, just because they want to "make clear we have not charged him with an offense that did not occur.” After all, they say, "He was in custody of the child and had no authority to be so.”

Oh, well, that’s just fine and fucking dandy, then. Hey, everybody in Orlando: Freak of the Day Capt. Angelo Nieves of the Orlando Police Department wants it made very clear that it’s illegal to "take custody" of a four year old kid who’s lost and alone. In no circumstances should you ever do so. Leave the kid alone, scared, crying, and walking off into traffic, instead. That will work out better for everyone, I guess.

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Most of the time on this site I talk about fat chicks or priest banging little boys or even fatter chicks but today I get to write about a man who thinks he is both a man and a father. Yes, that was a run-on sentence. Fuck you.

That dude is Rob Parker and he is standing with the thing in the world he most  cherishes  and  something he will later mount. You can pick which is which.

You see that fish had attacked Mr. Parker’s daughter (she is on the left) earlier that day

She needed 51 stitches in her arm to close those wounds after getting the wound from a barracuda.  The helpful father made sure he took the picture on the dock before he took her to the hospital.

This Freak of the Day clearly doesn’t Heart his daughter.

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In a village in Bali, Ngurah Alit, an unemployed 18 year old, was caught fucking a cow . Hey, what else are you going to do with a bunch of free time in a Balinese village? Besides, he had a strong defense:

Alit admitted to the act of bestiality but claimed the cow, which he believed was a young and beautiful woman, had wooed him with flattering compliments.

Besides, dude, just look at her, she totally loved it:

Anyway, village officials did the only rational thing to "cleanse the village of this defilement." They ordered the dude to marry the cow in a special ceremony that would end in drowning the cow, making him a bovine widower. Alit responded reasonably by passing out during the ceremony.

Our Freak of the Day is the Jakarta Globe for reporting this as real news .

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I hate assholes who ruin stories by making PhotoShop fakes. There are so many interesting things in the world you don’t need to make shit up.

(CBS) It’s the time of year for whale watching off the coast of South Africa. Ralph Mothes thought there could be no better way to witness nature’s majesty than from the deck of his own boat.

“It’s such a loud sound, when you hear those whales flapping their tails,” says Mothes. “We were attracted by the sound.”

And, reports CBS News correspondent Mark Phillips, it turns out that one whale was attracted to Mothes’ boat — a bit too attracted.

Sailors on a neighboring boat managed to snap some stunning images of the huge sea mammal shooting out of the water, practically on top of the yacht. The next pictures show the destroyed mast of Mothes’ yacht, which the whale snapped like a matchstick as it fell through the air.

Well, that sounds reasonable. Whales do jump out of the water. People do go whale watching. It is conceivable that a whale would jump onto a boat. Sure, I guess it happened and there is a picture of the actual event.

COME ON! There is not a chance in hell that picture is real. Look at the guy piloting the boat…he isn’t even phased.

Our Freak of the Day are any people who believe that this event actually took place.

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The little dude to the left is a brown titi monkey. I’m assuming that everybody near my age is now mentally hearing Beavis laughing and saying, "He said titty. Titty! Titty monkey! Titty!" Anyway…

The other day, police in the Mexico City airport detained Roberto Cabrera because they noticed a "suspicious bulge" in his clothing. Turns out Roberto had strapped 18 live titi monkeys to his body before boarding his plane in Lima, Peru. (OK, to be fair, he might have only strapped 16 live titi monkeys and 2 dead monkeys to himself, but I went ahead and assumed that the 2 dead ones started the trip alive.)

Roberto somehow managed to board his plane in Lima and travel all the way to Mexico City without being questioned about the 18 live monkeys strapped under his pants. I’m sure there are harder things to smuggle under your clothes than 18 living, squirming monkeys, but I’m definitely at a loss to figure out what they might be.

Freak of the Day is the Peruvian customs officer who looked at the lumpy, squirming Roberto Cabrera and thought, "Nothing suspicious here, let him on the plane."

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• Biden was forced to withdraw from the 1988 Democratic US Presidential nominations when it was alleged that he had failed a 1965 introductory law school course on legal methodology due to plagiarism. “Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr., fighting to salvage his Presidential campaign . . . acknowledged ‘a mistake’ in his youth, when he plagiarized a law review article for a paper he wrote in his first year at law school. Mr. Biden insisted, however, that he had done nothing ‘malevolent,’ that he had simply misunderstood the need to cite sources carefully.”^[61] Biden withdrew from the race September 23, 1987, and reported the law school incident to the Delaware Supreme Court. The court’s Board of Professional Responsibility cleared him of any allegations.^[62]
• Biden was also accused of plagiarizing portions of his speeches, notably those of British Labour leader Neil Kinnock and US Senator Robert F. Kennedy. Biden was forced out of the Presidential race after the Michael Dukakis campaign released a video showing Biden using one of Kinnock’s speeches without properly attributing it. Biden called the charges “much ado about nothing;”^[61] it was also revealed that Biden had used and properly cited the Kinnock speech on several other occasions, although he failed to do so on the one instance recorded by the Dukakis campaign.^[63]

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It’s hard to imagine one of the most interesting people on this planet looking like that, but it’s true. Daniel Tammet is a savant who can multiply and divide huge quantities in his head, learn languages in less than a week, and recite pi to the 22k+ decimal place. That is a huge number. What makes it all the stranger? He doesn’t see numbers. He feels them. It’s a phenomenon called synesthesia, which I think is smart people talk for voodoo. The best part is that, unlike Kim Peek (Rain Man), Daniel Tammet can explain how he experiences math. This is for two reasons: one is because Tammet is a high functioning savant, and two is because Kim Peek is dead.

He’s also openly gay and autistic…I’m not sure what any of those two things have to do with this entry, but I’m sure it’s on someone’s sexual bucket list. Stay black and go with Christ, friends.

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I am not sure how many people heard about this but it is cool as hell.

Workers excavating the World Trade Centre site have unearthed the 10-metre hull of a ship believed to have been buried in the 18th century.

The vessel was probably used along with other debris to fill in land to extend lower Manhattan into the Hudson river, archaeologists have said.

How fucking awesome is that? An old ass ship found in the wreckage of Ground Zero.

IT ISN’T FUCKING AWESOME AT ALL.

Why the hell is there still excavating going on at Ground Zero? The tragedy happened almost 9 years ago. Shouldn’t they be done digging the fucking hole? What the hell is going on?

I don’t know who the Freak of the Day is, but whomever is responsible for the delay is the freak.

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Our Freak of the Day is 36 year old Stacey Herald. I want to be clear from the start that I am not calling her a freak in the old-timey circus sideshow way that her 28 inch height and brittle bones would have brought on many years ago. No, she’s our freak today because she keeps churning out fucking babies in spite of the highly inheritable condition that made her a tiny little person who runs the risk of a baby growing so large that it will crush her lungs and heart.

I should also note that her husband was in the running for helping his 28 inch child-woman-wife-person churn out babies, but I could only pick one. I guess you can consider him a bonus freak for today.

Anyway, here’s the family:

What are you seeing here? From right to left - husband, holding their oldest daughter (you guessed it, she inherited mom’s lovely condition); wife, holding the newest kid (also with the condition), who was born five inches long and two pounds; and the middle child, the one who was born "average," the one who is now two years old and already a foot taller than her damn mother. Yes, this woman actually said that she can’t discipline her two year old now because the kid is "too big for her to handle."

So what’s her response to popping out three kids, 67% of whom are doomed to a tiny, brittle-boned lives? She’s going to keep making sure that her husband keeps banging his little child-woman-wife-thing to pop out more:

Three children is a handful at the moment, but I can see us having more babies in the future.

Please don’t. If you keep this up, one of these little fuckers is sure to end up a super-villain, and we just don’t fucking need that.

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