The cow stood atop the hill, wild, untamed, full of fury. It was surrounded by the males of its kind, the savage horned bulls. It was over ten thousand years ago, and the world was a wicked place, full of many hurts. All that we now enjoy was sinister and against us.

Gored. That is the word for when a bull stabs you, and even then the concept existed. But the caveman ran out to the field, killed the bulls, hit the cow in the head with a rock, and sucked on its piss-warm udders.

Why?

Because the caveman was just that fucking curious. The caveman was just that fucking intrigued at the idea of not having to drink milk from the tit of a woman.

And the caveman was just that fucking crazy.

Before “Dirty Jobs” first aired in the year 2003, and I would have said that caveman was the bravest son of a bitch in human history. After all, who knocks out a cow just for curiosity, and sucks on its udders?

Mike fucking Rowe, that’s who.

Oh, it started innocently enough. I imagine that when Mike Rowe signed a contract with the “Eat Gross Things in Foreign Places” channel, that he was relatively human. Braver than most, sure, but still a homo sapien.

Bit by bit, year by year, that has changed. Now, when Mike Rowe has to stand in a tank full of fish cum, or shit, or stand still while someone tries to sandblast through his now adamantium skin, I get the impression that he’s only pretending to be harmed. He’s become so fucking tough it’s ridiculous. I can literally see him calculating in his head “pretend to be disgusted now” and “okay, time to let my childish excitement shine through.”

Fact: Mike Rowe is now so freakishly masculine that after he is done making love to a woman she has to sit on a cactus to feel anything at all.

Fact: Mike Rowe can’t beat up Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris can’t beat up Mike Rowe because Mike Rowe just doesn’t care about getting hit in the face.

Fact: In ten thousand years, when Mike Rowe proves to be immortal, a tribal guide will be taking an archeologist through the jungle. The archeologist will ask to see the place where the tribal guide’s native god lives. The tribal guide will point to a statue of Mike Rowe standing in front of this sacred place and in his own tongue say “My people do not go there. That honky is fucking out of his mind.”

So, because I ran out of worthy victims, Mike Rowe is the freak of the day.

Jesus H Christ that man is tough. He talks about biting off a sheep’s testicles and laughs about it.

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