Angelina Jolie, please shut up.
6/18/06
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I can’t tell you how happy I am that every time I log onto Yahoo! News I see pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt doing something to benefit mankind. This may very well be the best thing that’s happened to news, aside from the story about the mass suicide of homeless people which has yet to happen, but when it does you can guarantee the dawn of a Golden Age will be coming due to the fact that a Golden Age’s success is proportional to the amount of dead homeless people there are.
I can’t tell you how reassuringly annoying it is to see Angelina’s face on the front page of every single news website. It’s like coming home to a wife who welcomes you home, bakes you a nice dinner, but yet you strangely have the urge to tie her up and throw her into a garbage can.
I think...we get...the point...whore...
One of the problems with Angelina Jolie is that her good deeds overpower her ability to be good looking. There is nothing attractive about a woman playing with African children who have AIDS. The thought of that can make any man’s erection retreat into his body as if he were being anally violated by a glacier. Playing in AIDS is the ultimate shrinkage inducer…as is being the ambassador of anything. It’s just not sexy.
Her next problem is that even though her good deeds overpower her ability to be good looking, she isn’t that good looking. She has all the components of what straight men consider attractive, yet somehow she fails to deliver. When I look at her, the first thing I think of is “sloppy.” Even when she was in “Gone in 60 Seconds,” which is arguably her hottest movie, she still had the couth of a leper with Parkinson’s. Remember the sex scene where Memphis was about to bone her but failed because his role was played by Nicholas Cage? So it wasn’t sex as much as “talking about feelings?” Here is all you do need to remember:
Say what you want about her fish lips, but her body is not all it’s cracked up to be. That angle of her breasts in the picture above suggests that they are in no way perpendicular to her frame (even while sitting), which is interesting considering her only redeeming quality would be her breasts. Not to mention that each breast actually points outward, maximizing an unnecessary level of space between her boobs, which is probably a few inches shy from being a legalized parking space. I’m not saying they are repulsive per se, but it’s not out of the scope of reality that her breasts are spread apart to the point where if she breast fed her son, Maddox, it might look like him sucking her armpits. It's enough to make the frontal lobe of my brain shut down and feel the need to shower like an obsessive compulsive man who was just given a golden shower.
There’s literally so much wrong with her that she could just as easily be on the back of a Highlight’s magazine where some asshole at the dentist’s office already circled the answers so you’re left waiting with nothing but People Magazine teeming with pictures of Paris Hilton’s dog in a purse.
...I’m that asshole, by the way:
Of course, since her redeeming quality isn't her breasts, it may be this...which can be summed up by this equation:
Let's be honest: Her redeeming quality is that you know she will have sex with you. Obviously her standards aren’t at an Everest high. In fact, her whorishness is borderline repulsive when you consider that a few years back Billy Bob Thorton put his demon spunk in her hole. Even though it was reassuring to know that for a brief period of time, Angelina couldn’t make a difference in the world with her mouth glued shut from Billy Bob’s seed. Those were the days.
Shut up, Angelina Jolie...Just shut up.
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