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The Duncan-Jayzaneeq Papers.
The Duncan-Jayzaneeq Papers.
4/27/07
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Dear Duncan,
What's up with you?
My name is Jayzaneeq and I got to get a pen pal on account of good behavior. I picked your name cause it's Duncan. What kinna name is Duncan? Are you from like one a them fancy countries like London or something? I ain't never heard a no Duncan. Ain't it some donuts called Duncan? I bet you wear glasses and shit.
You just say in your profile that you read a lot and play war games. Like cops and robbers and shit? Don't nobody like the popos where I'm from, why you wanna be one when you playin? One time my daddy tried to play with the po, but they beat him with they sticks. But you know, I been up in here, and the popo, they just doin they job just like anyone else. It ain't his fault his job done messed mine up. It's this one guard here, Jerry. He aight. He respeckful an all dat. He seen me in the liberry puttin them books away. He ask me did I read any a them. I say nah and he tole me I should.
I hope you write back to me.
Yours truly,
Jayzaneeq Simmons
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Dearest Jayzaneeq,
Upon receipt of your note, I have deciphered what seems to be a semi-coherent message regarding you and your current condition involving penitentiaries and what would appear to be a language analogous to the hieroglyphics of Ancient Egypt. Auspiciously, I was able to translate the glyphs into a more cogent sentence like the great Jean-François Champollion himself. (but really, how anthropological does one want to get?) Forming both subject and predicate, I have managed to understand you and take you up on your offer, while simultaneously indulging in a penchant of mine. Let us play a war game suitable to someone of your education: Battleship. However, before we delve too deeply into the matter of this game, it would be rather boorish of me to leave salient questions unanswered:
I do indeed wear glasses; I have an astigmatism. The psychic apparatus betwixt your eyes is both perceptive and impressively accurate. And London is a city in the country of England. Also it would be quite wise for you to understand that my name Duncan, while homophonically similar to the pastry eatery, is not in fact literally similar to Dunkin Donuts.
Let's begin.
Take out your board and set up your pieces. My first call is B1.
Faithfully,
Duncan
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Dear Duncan,
Man, I pologize for taking so long to write back to you. When I first looked at your letter, I couldn't read nothing but two or three words. I figured that shit was Russian since your name is Duncan. When we was outside, I asked this Polish bitch if she could read it for me. She read that shit and she started laughin. Straight up laughin in my face. She showed her lady and her lady start laughing. So I gets mad, right, cause you'd be mad, too, right Duncan, if some broads was just laughing at you.
So, after I got out of solitary, I took the dictionary out the liberry. I can't work there no more, cause of my temper, but Jerry said I could borrow it. He said you wasn't Russian, you was Pretentious. I ain't never heard of Pretentia, it sound real far away, like in Asia somewhere.
Hit me! Hit me!
Imma do some strategy and make my first move B1, too!
Holla back,
Jayzaneeq
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Respectable Jayzaneeq,
Received your letter this morning. Regarding your assumed apostasy, I forgive you. The sheer promptitude of your apology is not only admired, but graciously accepted.
A hit! I knew it! Your Battlecruiser no doubt. Sinking is imminent if not inevitable. The powers that be have decided to smite your army with the hammer of the almighty Thor. The sound you hear are pillars crumbling around you in the most catastrophic echo of chaos and entropy.
From the words of the forever famous, Napoleon Bonaparte, "Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide."
The words were never truer than today. I decide on A1, another hit and one step closer to a victory for myself.
Your B1 call was amateurish at best. A miss! A missile launched so far away from the action of the game that I laugh at the sheer pomposity of your pseudo-tactical endeavors.
Regards,
Duncan.
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Sweet Dunk,
I don't get how come you ain't got stuff on your B1. You musta put it on there wrong. Or upsides down. So, Imma say I7 for you, then.
Who is Thor? That must be what you English people call Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. They be tellin us to go to church to get saved you know. It must be hard for y'all over there if Thor gots to use a hammer to get people to go to church.
I really don't understand why you think you can hit on A1. Ain't no A1, stupid.
I think Imma hit with I7.
I gots the quotes, too. Like my man Styles said “You think your shit is butter, hop in front of this toast.”
Peace in the middle,
Jay Zee
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Corageous Jayzaneeq,
How curious your last letter was. Subtle it wasn't, for you have divulged your plan to me in a matter of syllables. I predict your demise in less than four turns, for the revelation of your pieces has now rendered it impossible for me to be vanquished! How convenient and delightfully splendid.
Now, as one may see my attitude supercilious in nature, I can assure you that my candor is for more applicable than any arrogance you may have observed.
As for your call; a hit. My reaction to this varies from curiosity to aggravation as I begin to submerge your craft to its water tomb possessing knowledge that my fleet is under attack. I shall recover and eventually overtake you as the grid of battleship unfolds in these turbulent times of war and strife!
For edification, I do not live in England. I do however live in New England, a location I half-expected you to guess with the postage marks and so forth. The fact that you didn't shows a slight lack of ardor on your part. I will forgive you again, as is my nature, but the lack of interest is comparably accurate to the reaction a fellow scholar of mine received after promulgating his dissertation regarding the biological mechanics of cell mitosis.
As for my next call, it will be A2. A must-be hit! I have taken the liberty of already placing a red peg into the grid as there can be no other way around your ship's inevitable and unfortunate fate! I await your next insipid move!
Kindest regards,
Duncan
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Dude, Dillan,
You is trippin! Why you can't talk proper English? Is it because you live in the New England? What the hell is a New England? What happened to the old one?
Anyway, you ain't hit nothin with your A2 from before, Sucka. You must don't practice enough. You say you like war games, but this one don't like you!
I'm shoutin out O73 at you this time.
Later days,
JayzeeBelle
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My Dear Jayzaneeq,
 My name is Duncan. You've done very well up until your last letter when you spiraled down into the coal chamber of obliviousness. However, for the posterity of this game, I shall do my best to rectify the situation, both fairly and accurately, so we can proceed with a sense of alacrity.
Firstly, a bomb sent to coordinates 073 is farcical at best, as it would place a peg off the grid and into the coffee cup I received as a Christmas gift from my micro biological engineering professor. However, if you choose to accept those coordinates I will surely comply. The fact that I choose to provide you with such a beau geste is alarmingly amicable.
Secondly, the fact that neither of my last coordinates were hits vexes me. There are only two possible combinations to aid in the commandeering of that ship, yet like the lands of Carthage after the fall of Hannibal, I am left with nothing. Where is that ship now?
Respectively,
Duncan
PS: To better aid you, I've attached a picture of what the board should look like so that the next game we play can run more smoothly.
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My Friend Dunkin,
 Pay attention and learn, because your board didn't make no sense, it sure is fancy though. I made mines on a butterfinger candy bar wrapper and I marked the numbers with M&Ms! I don't eat the red ones. My cousin DeyDey tole me they make that red dye from horse toenails.
Where is my ship now?! Now you sound even stupider! My ship moved. You can't be a captain and just sit there when someone is shooting missles at you! It's a good thing you don't play war games for money, cause you be broke!
After that ship had moved, I gots a new strategy and moved all the ships. Look at the pitcher I gave you.
No wonder you lost! You ain't even using the right board!
That right there is what you call strategy and friendly cuz we friends now.
Since I won that game, let's play a new one. You know checkers?
Your friend,
The Queen of the O-shizzle, Jay to the Zizzle.
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