A few days ago, I was sitting at the Social Security office in Easton, PA. First and foremost, the place is like diarrhea with an American flag sticking out of it. And the smell? Well, let’s just say there were better gases coming out of Auschwitz. The service was as farcical as the fat security guard chewing sunflower seeds and reading pamphlets about people with palsies and infinitely better lives than his own. While these are all major problems, they don’t even touch the crux of the issue: the people waiting in the office. If the Social Security Building is diarrhea, the people waiting in line are the indigestible chunks of corn.
While there, I ran into four types of people:
1. The old man who thinks he’s funny and will talk to anyone. Yes, he’s friendly. Yes, he can make the time go by significantly faster. No, he won’t ever shut up. A person automatically sucks when he says, “I resemble that remark,” and thinks it’s funny.
2. The guy who doesn’t speak English.
3. A group of three kids with the social skills of autistic semen. They sat right next to me. One kid was obviously gay because I refuse to believe there could be a heterosexual male with a voice that high. His name was also Skippy. The other was a guy with laughably bad acne. The other was the acne guy’s obese girlfriend who also had acne. Actually all three of them had acne now that I think about it. They chose to kill time by discussing the pimples they needed to pop on their face, and then subsequently doing so. It was like a circle jerk for pimple popping.
4. The old lady wearing the “Vote Hillary Clinton” sticker who talks about politics without really knowing what anything means.
Ironically enough, the fourth one pissed me off more than any of the others. Not because I hate old people, which I do, but it was the sense of entitlement she had. It was the fact that she and her ilk can’t go one day without pussy squirting their political propaganda on anyone with eyes or ears. It’s people like this who make me envy Helen Keller.
“If Hillary doesn’t win, I’m voting for John McCain!”
Thanks a lot, you bitch. Just because you’re menopausal doesn’t mean I need to hear you passive aggressively vent that through your political vomit.
No, the truth is, this whole entire primary election is getting on my nerves. I’m sick of Hillary crying. I’m sick of McCain’s massive mouth that’s disproportionately larger than the top of his head. And I’m sick of Obama constantly defending himself against people who twist every minute thing someone else does and turn it into a forced generalization so assholes in the Social Security Line have something to talk about when they’re not popping each other’s zits. I am sick of this god damn election, and I know I’m not the only one.
I can’t go anywhere without hearing about it. I can’t check my email without reading a stupid letter from some stupid leftist douchebag or rightwing dick that completely exaggerates everything. Take this excerpt from an email, for example:
"Ken Blackwell - Columnist for the New York Sun
Next, consider economic policy. For all its faults, our health care system is the strongest in the world. And free trade agreements, created by Bill Clinton as well as President Bush, have made more goods more affordable so that even people of modest means can live a life that no one imagined a generation ago. Yet Mr. Obama promises to raise taxes on "the rich." How to fix Social Security? Raise taxes. How to fix Medicare? Raise taxes. Prescription drugs? Raise taxes. Free college? Raise taxes. Socialize medicine? Raise taxes. His solution to everything is to have government take it over. Big Brother on steroids, funded by your paycheck."
Now this person obviously doesn’t like Obama, and that’s fine, but he can at least say that without blatantly lying to people. For example: According to the World Health Organization, the United States doesn’t have the best healthcare in the world. We’re not even in the top 10. We’re not even in the top 30! Secondly, yeah NAFTA made it so things are more affordable, but it also is a nice way of saying, “outsourcing.” Sure, we can buy a toaster much cheaper, but it still takes opportunities away from American workers because companies would rather pay one dollar a day to Vietnamese sweatshop workers rather than pay Americans the minimum wage. In other words, you’re a douche.
And then there’s this email:
"Kind of scary, wouldn't you think!!!
According to The Book of Revelations the Anti-Christ is:
The anti-christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal....the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is it OBAMA??
I STRONGLY URGE each one of you to repost this as many times as you can! Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet...do it!
If you think I am crazy. Im sorry but I refuse to take a chance on the "unknown" candidate."
Yes, you people nailed it. Obama is the anti-Christ. It’s not Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, or Hannah Montana. It’s Barack Obama.
And then there’s the Reverend Wright crap:
It’s evident in many ways that this guy is a religious moron, but some of the controversial highlights aren’t exactly false. For example: the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, where doctors purposely mistreated black patients with syphilis. It’s not like that shit didn’t happen. Why is bringing it up controversial?
This election has gone way beyond regular media absurdity, and has become genuinely irritating.
The solution?
This is my candidate. This is who everyone should vote for. His name is Lord and Master Skull of Doom. If you do not vote for him, he will take power and telekinetically skin you. He eats only leprechauns and hates crying. As he gets madder and madder, his eyes begin turn different colors, which correlates to the power he is going to use. He does not suffer fools lightly. Why, look what he does when confronted with Hillary Clinton at their debate.
He shoots a subatomic fuel powered comet into her face.
. . .
I was trying to find a nice segue into my desire to learn a voodoo ritual so I can resurrect the Columbine kids to murder Hannah Montana and the Jonas brothers, but I messed that up, so let’s just delve right in.
I’ll preface this by saying I actually went out of my way to not know what a Hannah Montana was. I was content in assuming it was some government program to kill people who post on the IMDB movie boards, even though I knew that makes absolutely no sense. I was fine being oblivious. But you assholes had to take it too far...
Hannah Montana is the offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus, and every single one of you jerks should’ve known from the very beginning that his offspring would have to have less talent than a wind-up monkey cymbal clapper.
The last thing America needs is more pussy music. Hannah Montana completely encompasses what sucks about America. But even worse are her friends, the Jonas Brothers.
Now, despite the fact that I didn’t photoshop that picture at all and they still look like they could be stunt doubles for Chris Burke, their music is unbelievably more retarded. Their music isn’t unique or anything, it’s the same Alvin and the Chipmunk bullshit sound that nobody really can take seriously. Evidently they label themselves as “Christian Power Pop Punk,” which I guess explains a lot of the problem.
With lyrics like:
“When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.”
you not only want to beat the living shit out of them, you want to say, “You’re like 12 years old, you don’t know what love is!”
And to the people who like this music... how old are you? Seriously? Grow the hell up and listen to music that wasn’t made by Tampax. Just stop pussifyng this country with this music. Listen to some Slayer and grow some pubic hair you little bitches.
The solution?
Lord and Master Skull of Doom-- oh my god will he have a field day with these faggots.
What would he do? Well, look:
Did he just telekinetically create an electrical force field made out of radioactive waves, trapping the Jonas brothers in with Super AIDS at a rock concert right before they were sacrificed to Ronnie James Dio? I think he did. How marvelous!
