The Tao of Halloween movies...
10/31/07
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Contrary to popular belief, Halloween isn't just a time for sticking razor blades in chocolate, costumes, and child rape, it's also about movies, which is why I have compiled a list of horror movies that are necessary for every Halloween to be a complete success.
1. The Ring.
This is a perfect example to show how horror movies shouldn't be. This movie is about a mopey blonde woman who encounters a tape that will kill you seven days after you watch it. Want to know what's on the scary tape?
An image of a woman brushing her hair. Intimidating, I know.
So after she watches the tape, her phone rings with a voice that says, "Seven Days." Once she realizes that the tape does in fact kill you, she watches the tape again.
And again.
...and again.
Then shows her ex-husband.
And then does what any good parent does: leave the tape in the middle of the living room for her son to watch.
After the seven days are up, an 8 year old girl comes out of the television and waterlogs you to death. I tuned out after that because I was too busy throwing Skittles at the 12 year old girls screaming in the movie theater. There’s something cathartic about throwing things at children. I suspect it’s the same kind of release Mike Tyson got when he bit off Evander Holyfiend’s ear, or the feeling David Blaine got when he made Lindsey Lohan’s self esteem disappear. I don’t question the sick satisfaction anymore; I just accept.
2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I’m not talking about the stupid remake either. The remake was adequate at best, but it doesn’t even compare to the creativity of its 1974 predecessor. Let’s examine what made the initial movie better.
For one, the original had a fat guy in a wheelchair. If there’s anything cinema has taught me, there are only three things that make a movie good: lesbians, Haley Joel Osment getting shot, and fat guys in wheelchairs. Evidence supports this theory in movies like Rear Window and Murderball.
There was also a creepiness factor that was unmatched in the remake. Directors seem to think that gore makes up for story in horror movies. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
3. Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
I won’t get into specifics, but when you have lines like these:
Curtis Mooney: Killer clowns, from outer space. Holyyyyyy shit!
or
Debbie Stone: Nobody's gonna put me in a balloon again!
...or antagonists that look like this:
you don’t need plots. It’s that unintentionally comedy that makes your Halloween memorable. Just the keywords IMDB.com uses to describe this movie make this classic.
4. The Saw Series.
Each one of these movies are great. Very few horror movies have the gore and compelling storyline, not to mention awesome twists in the end. This is the one movie I don’t want to spoil for everyone, and I strongly suggest it. Plus you get to see Cary Elwes saw off his foot, so really, what more of a reason do you need?
5. Silence of the Lambs.
Possibly one of the best movies ever made. If Hannibal Lector doesn’t creep you out on some level, you’re Helen Keller and can’t see or hear, or, can relate to this character on a very deep level, in which case you’re a strong argument for abortion, implying Helen Keller wasn’t.
6. CNN.
I don’t know a screenwriter yet who made this up.
In New Jersey, a hospital lab technician is under arrest, charged with a gruesome crime. Police say he had sex with the body of a 92-year-old woman in the morgue.
John Carpenter, try and beat that. Please.
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