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Aquarius
January 21st - February 19th
You are an entrepreneur and are very shrewd in business dealings. You are feared by your competition and cannot be trusted. You will achieve much success due to your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. You will most likely end up missing or gruesomely murdered. Watch your back. |
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Pisces
February 20th- March 20th
You are intelligent, quick-witted, and a deep thinker. People like you and tend to be attracted to you since you are most likely bisexual. You’re inclined to expect too much for too little – meaning that you’re cheap. You are notorious for finding romance at family reunions. |
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Aries
March 21st - April 19th
You are extremely conservative and afraid to take any risks. You tend to whine a lot but rarely have anything important to say. At work, you rarely rise to any position of power and are content making minimum wage. Your only rebellious moment was when you squeaked out a fart during church and blamed it on the deaf, elderly woman sitting next to you. See you in hell. |
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Taurus
April 20th - May 20th
You are the artistic type and are routinely referred to as creative or artsy. You have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are most likely a big closet homo. If female, you are a raging whore. You frequently consult psychics about your future but will most likely die young from VD. |
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Gemini
May 21st - June 21st
You are eternally optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack any real talent. You are most likely an alcoholic or a cocaine fiend. You are always getting screwed but blame it on bad luck. Wake up and get a real life you stupid ass! |
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Cancer
June 22nd - July 21st
You have an inventive mind and tend to be progressive in nature. On the other hand, you are stubborn and lie a great deal. You tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone else just thinks you are plain stupid. Dumb ass. Pull your head out... |
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Leo
July 22nd- August 21st
You have a vivid imagination, often exaggerate, and constantly think you are being followed and are of interest to the FBI or CIA. You are emotionally unstable, lack confidence, and are generally a coward. You generally lack basic interpersonal skills, are introverted, and most likely screw small animals, especially puppies. You need professional help. |
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Virgo
August 22nd- September 22nd
You are an entrepreneur and are very shrewd in business dealings. You are feared by your competition and cannot be trusted. You will achieve much success due to your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. You will most likely end up missing or gruesomely murdered. Watch your back. |
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Libra
September 23rd- October 22nd
You are the artistic type and are routinely referred to as creative or artsy. You have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are most likely a big closet homo. If female, you are a raging whore. You frequently consult psychics about your future but will most likely die young from VD. |
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Scorpio
October 23rd- November 21st
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This anal behavior borders on OCD and rules your lonely life. You tend to be cold and unemotional, and were voted most likely to kick a puppy by your fellow classmates. People like you should be sterilized before the off-chance that you may have sex. |
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Sagittarius
November 22nd - December 21st
You are extremely conservative and afraid to take any risks. You tend to whine a lot but rarely have anything important to say. At work, you rarely rise to any position of power and are content making minimum wage. Your only rebellious moment was when you squeaked out a fart during church and blamed it on the deaf, elderly woman sitting next to you. See you in hell. |
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Capricorn
December 22nd - January 20th
You consider yourself a born leader and superior to others. They mostly see you as loud and pushy. You have always been known as a big bully and can’t tolerate honest criticism. You are extremely arrogant and will most likely dismiss this horoscope as being totally wrong. Look around you stupid bastard – no one likes you! You will die alone. |
