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Hostel Part 2, and why no one should watch it.
Hostel Part 2, and why no one should watch it.
6/12/07
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It’s a very rare occasion that I’ll go out of my way to write a movie review. For me to do this, the movie has to be exceptional in some way. I’d be lying if I said Hostel 2 wasn't exceptional. It is exceptional. Exceptionally shitty.
I am a big fan of these types of movies. Silence of the Lambs, Se7en, Saw... Christ, even the first Hostel was watchable. The problem with Hostel Part 2 is that Eli Roth tries so hard to be shocking that he forgets all about that little thing we call a "story." Hostel Part 2 is as poorly executed as a guy who is getting stoned by people with muscular dystrophy.
The “suspenseful” parts in this movie were so uncreative that it’s almost as if the script was made using a computer with a database of horror movie clichés, and Roth picked which ones to use by asking a Magic 8 Ball.
Eli Roth: Should I have a part in the movie where something really scary happens, but then the protagonist wakes up and finds out it was all a dream?
Magic 8 Ball: All signs point to "yes."
Eli Roth: Score!!
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Eli Roth: Should I have a part in the movie where the girl makes an absolutely retarded decision to go on a boat ride with a complete stranger in strange Slovakian territory?
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good.
Eli Roth: Let’s try that again.
Magic 8 Ball: Definitely.
Eli Roth: Damn straight.
 Hostel Part 2 picks up where the first Hostel left off. The main character, Paxton, is on a train with a severed hand. Fast forward to a hospital, where he's questioned by Italians with suspiciously fake accents. Uh oh, is that the Elite Hunting tattoo on the interrogator’s arm? It is! Gosh, you’re in a pickle now, Paxton! Oh, it was just a dream? Shucks, what a great way to lull the audience into a false sense of security. We think he is safe in a hospital and then has trouble emerge. Then we find out the overly convoluted beginning was just a dream! Eli Roths is playing trixes on us! We’re on our toes now!
 Cut to Paxton arguing with his girlfriend, who has a massive forehead. Your girlfriend is suggesting you tell someone about your experience in the Hostel, but you’ll have none of it, will you, Paxton!?
Morning comes. Uh oh, a chainsaw noise! This could only mean one thing!
Wait, it’s just an old man cutting down a tree. DAMN YOU ELI ROTH AND YOUR…YOUR AURAL TRICKERY!! But at least Paxton is safe!
Cut to the girlfriend discovering Paxton’s decapitated body. Paxton's not safe?! What the F? WHAT THE F?!
 We then see three girls taking an art class. The group of girls consists of: a slut, a rich yet semi-passive girl named Beth who’s one spank away from becoming naughty, and a girl with fucked up teeth who looks like she was thrown into a meat grinder (and this is before her body was mutilated by a scythe). You may remember this actress as DJ Conner’s girlfriend from Roseanne. A surprisingly good pick compared to the rest of the jokers Eli Roth casts. (As a rule, actors from Desperate Housewives should never appear in horror movies, unless their role consists of getting crushed by a steamroller or something.) The girls meet a hot, yet obviously suspicious woman named Axelle. They decide to take her advice and go to a hostel in Prague with a spa, because even though she’s obviously suspicious, she’s also hot.
Cue the girls on a train heading to Prague. Cut to the girl with the British teeth crying that someone stole her iPod. Cut to me laughing because iPods are stupid. Cut to me feeling sick because when she cries, we see her teeth.
 Flash to a party where the girl with nasty teeth has found some Slovakian loving. As nice as this is, any girl who looks like a rake should be wary that a member of the opposite sex has suddenly found her attractive. So what does she do? She goes on a mysterious boat ride with him in the middle of the night. We next find her dangling naked, while some skanky whore cuts her body with a scythe and bathes in her blood as an obvious reference to Elizabeth Bathory. That’s so shocking, Eli Roth!
 We then cut to two guys jogging together, and just before you think it’s adorable how the director is making a strong gay marriage commentary, you find out that they’re men who have paid good money to kill Beth and the slut. One guy is named Todd, a man who can overact as much as he can annoy the heart and soul out of you with his Ernest P. Worrel-like voice. The other guy is named Stuart. Now, as you can tell by the fact that he prefers the name Stuart over Stu, Stuart is the poster child for the male Tampax. His role in the movie consists of second guessing himself, rape, and crying.
The movie then cuts to the girls swimming in an eerie Slovakian spa. Beth falls asleep (because that’s what you do when you swim), wakes up, and finds herself being hunted by fat men wearing black beanies. She trips on a wire and gets assaulted by a gang of children who mug people for candy. Axelle and her sugar daddy come to the rescue, stopping the children in right in their tracks! You are safe now, Beth!
 At this point, the film becomes silent as the old man literally takes five fucking minutes to point his gun at each kid. Why did you make this scene so damn long, Eli Roth? The man has a gun, and he is scaring the kids. We get it. You don’t need to spoon-feed this to us. We may have been stupid enough to pay to watch this instead of downloading the leak, but we’re smart enough to recognize infanticide when we see it. The children then vote on who gets executed by pushing one funny looking kid towards the man (a tactic that even I can agree was awesome), who shoots said kid. Did you get that?! Did you miss the shock value in that?! Eli Roth shot a kid! What the F!? That's so controversial, Eli Roth!
We then find Beth in a mansion drinking tea with the sugar daddy and Axelle. Axelle takes her up to the bedroom, and just when you think Eli Roth is going to rebound this shit vortex into something decent by adding a hardcore lesbian scene, we’re disappointed again as Beth gets kidnapped by the fat men with black beanies. What the hell, did we get tricked again?! What just happened? I thought she was safe! What’s this? That suspicious Axelle was in on it this the whole time?! What the F!? Stop tricking us, Eli Roth!
We are now in the factory where people pay to slaughter other people. We go to Todd, who is torturing the slut with a buzzsaw. He accidentally slices the slut’s face and leaves because it took him this long to realize that what he was doing wasn’t entirely sane. He doesn’t kill the slut (because obviously a buzzsaw to the face won't kill you, even if you bleed to death), which we find out is a violation of his contract with the Elite Hunting organization. As he refuses to finish killing her and leaves, the Elite Hunting Security Team releases the hounds and Todd is eaten by dogs. Isn’t that shocking?! I thought so too!
We then see Beth and Stuart together. The ensuing five minutes consist of Stuart whining, and then for no apparent reason, manipulating his menstruation into rage. He tries to rape and torture Beth. Right before Stuart is about to seal the deal, Beth knees him in the balls and then straps him to the torture chair. You’re so ironic, Eli Roth!
At this point, she has his balls and penis out and is ready to castrate him (an interesting twist since he was mentally castrated already). The Security Guards get wind of this strange turn via their security cameras and attempt to resolve the situation. We then see the sugar daddy approach the torture room. It turns out the sugar daddy is really the owner of Elite Hunting. He accepts Beth's proposal to buy her freedom--however, she has to kill Stuart per the company’s contract. Beth then castrates the man for calling her a cunt, leaving him to die. Wait, did you show a penis!? Did you cut the penis off?! What the F! You’re so shocking, Eli Roth!!!
Cut to the festival, where Axelle gets her purse stolen by one of the bubblegum gang kids. We then see Beth axe Axelle’s head off. The kids play soccer with her decapitated head. The film ends. THAT’S SO SHOCKING, ELI!
*Warning, this article contains spoilers. And nudity*
This was it, Eli? This was the awesome movie you were telling us about? This was your AWESOME ending you've overhyped and overhyped for months? A penis getting chopped off? That was your ending that's "never been done before and will make Roger Bart a huge star," per your many interviews? That was the ending you said was analogous to the shower scene in Psycho? You are the worst quoted man ever, and your words are like looking at rape.
I know a lot of you people will email me and say, “But you have to admit, the way they explained how the business runs is way creepy!” No it isn’t, you idiots. Despite the fact that the bidding is global, yet everybody in different countries are bidding in daylight nullifying the concepts of time zones and the rotation of the Earth, it’s impractical and illogical. Think about this: you essentially have a chain of companies that sell people for torture. People bid on who they want to torture via text messaging and a website where images of people who visit the Hostel get uploaded. Did it ever occur to you that everything you send on your cell phone is stored somewhere, and that if you want to keep a business like this on the down-low, the dumbest possible way to hide it would be to flaunt your business electronically--particularly through websites, cell phones, and other PDA's? Hostel Part 2 portrays the company as a fairly large corporation. How easy do you think it would be to keep a business that big and illegal a secret? There were employees everywhere. Every torture room had video cameras recording everything. How retarded would you have to be to keep records of something like that? Not only that, but why would you let someone negotiate their way out of getting killed? Do you really think she won't tell someone? There were so many holes in the premise of this movie that it could’ve easily been Dane Cook’s face.
Now, don’t get me wrong, Eli Roth. I think you’re quite brilliant when it comes to creating methods to torture people. In fact, you're living the movie. You've made millions of dollars and tortured us by putting that shitshow into the public. Maybe you should have your characters watch Hostel 2 in those cells instead of using a nail gun next time, okay sport?
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