A lot of people ask me, “Rob, how do you make a successful comedy website?”
Actually they don’t really ask me because my site isn’t successful, but if they did, this would be my answer...
Name:
Create your domain name using an absurd sexual act. I’m sure the first thought that comes to your mind is “Donkey Punch,” and while I know you’re there giggling about how funny it is to punch a woman when she’s expecting a penis, you’re above that parochial comedy. Well, not too above it, because you still need to let everyone know you can relate to the college demographic. So make it even more obscure. Like StrawberryShortcakingYourSphincter.com. Not only is this name catchy, but you have automatic content for your FAQ when some high school dork asks, “What’s a Strawberry Shortcake?” And you respond, “Oh nothing more than cutting a girl’s tits and smearing your jizz in her wound.”
Content:
Make your site a "link dump."
Original content is stupid. People want to read stories about Britney Spears shaving her head followed by one sentence captions saying, “Wow, has she lost it or WHAT?!” Or, if you’re one of those badass sites who thrive on being risqué, “Now the curtains match the carpet!”
Don’t believe me?
The best part is that all of these links go to CNN.com or ABC.com. It's a good thing, too, because nobody knows who they are. If it weren't for link dumps, people would never think of visiting their websites. How thoughtful.
The truth is nobody wants to read anything original. People want to read about how bad drivers are, or if Anna Nicole Smith died from choking on semen. They want to read about Hollywood Gossip and how Lindsey Lohan’s face looks like an elbow. Originality is dead, and once you understand this, you’ll understand the first step to becoming a successful comedy writer: lose your imagination.
Ads:
Place ads on your site but make it a point to mention the only reason ads are there is to pay for high bandwidth bills. This is because you want everyone to know you get a lot of traffic. It’s also good to let people know you want their stay to be enjoyable, but you really can’t afford to. You’re trying to be the good guy by maintaining the credibility of an online writer, yet a pawn on the vicious chessboard of The Man. Think of your site as you would the band REM or The White Stripes. You’ve essentially sold out, but still maintain indie credibility. Your fans are forgiving people and can overlook this, just don't mention in your blog that you’re staying at the Ritz Carlton and eating at 'Daniel' in New York City.
You also need to make the ads on your site interesting and fun. Like a game. Things like “Punch out George Bush to win a free Ipod.” These ads focus the reader’s eye away from your content. Ironically, throwing a football through a tire swing in a flash ad is funnier than anything you're capable of writing something like this:
You see? Your responsibility as an online comedian is to fill your page up with as much useless bullshit as you possibly can. And if that doesn't work, your next option is:
Stealing:
All you need to remember is that being creative isn’t important. Having original ideas, talent, or anything else is unnecessary. All you need to know is how to set up link exchanges and put your website URL on images that don’t belong to you. Why work when someone else does it for you?
What, you've never seen Elliott from E.T. with Muscular Dystrophy before?
Just look at all the successful people who steal: Carlos Mencia, Dennis Leary, Ebaumsworld, and Michael Jackson (If you want to include a little boy’s ass cherry as something you can steal.) They all have one thing in common: they steal and are ironically successful. There is no reason why you can’t be too!
