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Sex Guide: Chapter 2
Sex Guide: Chapter 2
6/3/07
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In Chapter One, we discussed Sex Myths. You know that sperm on your face clears up acne, and that Mexicans reproduce by having water thrown on them like in Gremlins (which explains why the dirty ones are considered sterile, and thus, Mexicans are a declining species). Now, we can move on to...
THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF WOMEN, WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM, AND WHAT THEY LIKE SEXUALLY
Where do you go to meet women? Bars? Clubs? The Lilith Fair? These are common--but stupid--answers. Women are not complex creatures. When you take away their vagina, perfume, makeup, and hair, what do you have? No, not a child with leukemia. The answer is, a woman who is insecure. And hairless. What you need to understand is that there are only three types of women:
THE FAT WOMAN
Fat women are obviously the easiest to find, because they take up so much space. Think about this: When you’re at the circus, what do your eyes always see first (besides the ‘in case of fire' axe, to chop that pedophile clown’s neck)? That’s right, the elephants. Spatial relations play a key role in dating, just like setting free Xiang Xiang the panda played a key role in helping him die.
If you’re a chubby chaser, the best place to locate a fatty is at your local McDonalds, or any fast food chain that sells salad. This makes her think, “Hey, salad is green and therefore healthy, even if I put this Caesar Salad dressing on it! And Diet Coke has the word ‘diet’ in it, so that’s like being really healthy and stuff, despite the fact that six hours from now I will weigh myself with no change, give up my diet, and cry my way to the bottom of a Häagen-Dazs container while watching 'Queer As Folk' reruns.”
Favorite Sexual Position: The Supersized Happy Meal.
It’s a documented scientific fact that fat women have bigger holes than normal women. Have you ever seen a fat girl without a fat mouth? No, you haven’t. The same goes for their vaginas. In fact, the first hula-hoop was made from an obese woman’s O-Ring. True story.
If a six piece chicken McNugget won’t sate their hunger, your little penis won’t, either. So what do we do? YOU SUPERSIZE!
What makes this different from vaginal fisting? Simple: you leave a little toy car in her cervix. Every Happy Meal comes with a toy. There is no reason this should be any different.
THE NERDY LIBRARIAN
Where can nerds be found? If you said in a library, drinking Frappuccinos, and reading Nimzovich opening theories for their chess date with their computers, you’re so far off the mark it’s not even funny. Nerdy women are repressed sexual dynamos, just waiting to translate their Rosetta Stone of intimacy into a bible of promiscuous sex accompanied by exotic lotions and oils. You can find them at Starbucks, or protesting a restaurant serving foie gras. Be forewarned--once you have sex with her, you release her sexual alter ego, which is impossible to control if you’re looking for long term commitment.
Favorite Sexual Position: The Bookmark.
To execute The Bookmark, simply come on her body and leave for an hour or so. Watch a movie, make waffles or something, then come back and continue right where you left off, just like an actual bookmark.
THE ANNOYING STUPID GIRL WHO TALKS TOO MUCH
What’s interesting about stupid hot girls who talk too much is that we continue to let them talk. We all know the stupid girl who talks too much. We all know that the smartest thing to come out of her mouth is cum. We know this. What we don’t know, however, is how to shut them up. Until now.
Favorite Sexual Position: The Helen Keller.
Actually, I lied. This isn’t their favorite position. It’s my favorite position for them, because it makes them unable to see or hear, and limits speaking to moderate grunts and moans--much like that deaf model on the PBS channel when she’s endorsing her hearing aid.
Executing a Helen Keller can be extremely tricky. However, the benefits far outweigh the process. If you're new at this, I recommend not jerking off for a good week prior to the event, in order to build up at least a solid five roper money shot. You will waste a lot, so it’s good to have extra. The goal is to shoot your load on three major parts: ears, eyes, and mouth. Treat your load as you would Elmer’s Glue, and glue every part shut. Shoot in her eyes. At this point she will start to complain; this is when you will want to glue her mouth shut with your spunk. While she’s still trying to process what just happened, get the remainder in her ears. If you’ve executed this correctly, she should look exactly like this.
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