Chapter One: Sex Myths!
10/17/06
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Before we delve too deep into the meat of this guide, let’s lay our curiosities to rest. Let’s get the sex myths out of the way:
1. Asian women DO NOT have sideways vaginas and get very angry when you mold theirs to show them what you thought it would look like.
I can’t begin to tell you how often I hear people saying they want to have sex with an Asian just to see if their vaginas are sideways. They aren’t sideways, and don’t lie to me. A Google image search yields thousands of pictures of Asian vaginas. You want to have sex with Asians because it’s as close as you can legally get to having sex with a little boy. Unless you have sex with a midget. Pedophile.
 
2.The hierarchy of penises:
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Black: Blacks have the biggest penises. This diagram suggests that their penises are so big that they can't even fit on the whole page; it needed to cross over to the next diagram. If you're not black and you feel slighted, don't worry. God only gave them big penises to make up for what he did to their hair. |
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Whites: Average length in America: 5-6 inches. It's a good thing we're the only country that matters, otherwise we'd have nothing to brag about. |
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Hispanics: Hispanics weigh in at about 6-7 inches. I put them below whites because most of them are uncircumcised. The foreskin can essentially add an extra optical inch to the penis which I feel is unfair to white people.
That and whenever you walk near them they always smell like 7-11 microwavable burritos. |
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Asians: Asians average penis length is 3-4 inches. Their womanpleasers are like little grains of rice. You are what you eat. |
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Mixed: Mud bloods don’t have souls, so therefore they don’t have a penis. Everyone knows that only people with souls have penises. |
3. People with big feet have big penises.
This is patently false. I have a size 14 shoe, an arguably monstrous grip on mother earth, and my penis is not a size to brag about. I’m not hung like a tic-tac, but I’m slightly above average at best. Maybe I’m just unlucky.
Scratch that, I live in New Jersey, I’m most definitely unlucky.
4. If she has a “tramp stamp” she’ll let you put it in her butt.
 The general myth is that women who have tattoos on the small of their back are generally more open-minded to freaky sex, including butt sex. (This especially applies to women with the sun tattoo who will go for the gusto with anal beads.) Awesomely enough, this is true. The reason for this is because these women have a tendency to follow superficial trends. Tramp stamps are popular. Butt sex is becoming increasingly popular. Therefore, the two trends shall intersect at Whoreville with a pit stop to Cold Sore City.
Women who this applies to may read this and say, “That’s so not true!” Sweety, if you’re there, don’t kid yourself. There is nothing to be ashamed of by letting someone plug your butt like the piggybank of someone who has the last name of Bauman. The only people who will look down on you are religious dorks and other women, and it’s only because they’re jealous. So in the words of Ohio Express, “Yummy Yummy Yummy I got love in my tummy…in the form of buttsex.”
5. Black people don’t do oral.
You’re all in for a treat. I got a real life black person to tell us why black people don’t do oral…and I didn’t even have to pay her or talk about rap and jazz:
"See, now I would suck my man's dick, but he don't go down on me. He just expects me to do him, “jus' lick it.” I tell him “just lick me!” He say he don't do that. What type of shit is that?! You don't do that...shit...Then I don't do that shit, neither.
He talkin' about some, “It's different. The dick is on the outside, it's just skin, like lickin' my finger or somethin. Y'all shit is on the inside, all up in the guts.”
He stupid. Then he say it smell funny. It smell funny?! You think y'all shit smell good? All sweaty and hot between your legs... after you been playin’ hoops all day? Rub your finger up under your balls and smell it. Now let your friend hit you in the back of the throat with a sausage while you smellin' it.
All I'm sayin is, we should both take a shower. Together. He don't know. I can suck a dick. I would try to suck the tip off his dick, on the real. I'd suck that nigga crosseyed! But he missin' out 'cause he won't do me. Shit. I'mma find me a white dude, they love to eat some pussy."
- Jayzaneeq Simmons-
6. Mexican women get pregnant if they’re near semen.
This is probably true. I don’t know. Nor do I care. In fact for this specific entry, I am changing the title of this piece to the “American Freak Safari Sex Guide,” and since they’re clearly not American (no matter how much they want to be), it would be unfair for my readers if I strayed from focus.
7. Facials clear up acne: You’re a whore, but a whore with great skin!
There is a lot of protein in semen. Protein does wonders for your skin. Think of it like this: Have you ever seen an Asian with bad skin? Guess where Bukkake came from…that’s right, Asia. Their skin is as smooth as all the silk in China …combined and made into an epidermal nerf suit. Think you can get that from Clearasil? No, but you can get it from your boyfriend spraying his load on your face as if he were glazing a donut.
8. Period blood makes for good lubrication.
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