Save America and play Christian Video Games!
2/2/07
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I was lying in my bed masturbating when I had the perfect idea on how to make this country a lot holier.
It’s safe to say America is an incredibly sinful country. In a world filled with sex, drugs, and people who still think it’s a good idea to listen to Cole Porter, something must be done. But what? That’s when it dawned on me. A solution promising nothing less than the salvation of this country. A solution so perfect that it’s guaranteed to make men’s nipples so hard they lactate holy milk.
The answer is simple: Christian Video Games.
Finally, technology can now be used for something other than proving that pesky theory of evolution.
I’ve put together a list of Christian Video Games that we could make to teach the youth of America that it’s cool to worship Jesus.
Christenstein.
According to God’s word, there are only three things that are good: Jesus, Republicans, and slaying Nazis. In Christenstein you’ll get two out of the three, and that’s not bad for $49.99. This game consists of Jesus going on a murdering rampage slaughtering Nazis in the name of God (Himself).
“But why would Jesus want to kill Nazis? They killed the Jews, and the Jews killed Jesus.”
What a stupid question, but I’ll answer it anyway. You see, if you look at the swastika, it sort of looks like the letter S. Obviously the S stands for, “Suck my balls, Jesus.” Therefore, it’s painfully clear that Jesus will, nay, MUST seek vengeance on every Nazi…even if they do kill Jews.
Using their high opinions of themselves as ammunition, an army of atheists attack Jesus. Jesus quickly responds using the Holy Grail to narrowly escape Satan's horde.
Some more footage of Jesus rocking the Iron Cross right off this 3rd Reich-loving idiot.
Jesus Ate my Neighbors.
If killing Nazis isn’t your style, maybe converting your heathen neighbors into religious bowls of sunny Christian oatmeal will.
The premise is simple: The once peaceful “Smiley Town” has been corrupted by porn, drugs, and gay marriage. It’s up to Jesus to turn these free spirited hooligans into mindless clones, without cares or worries. You call these zombies “Christians.”
I call it serenity and salvation.
Screenshot of Jesus ready to shoot those lustful homosexuals with AIDS.
Disciple Kombat.
Yes that is OJ Simpson. If Jesus were alive today, I think we can all agree that OJ Simpson would be the man to kill him.
Pontius Pilate isn't the only person who can nail Christ to wooden boards now. In most ungodly video games, you fight to the death. With Disciple Kombat, death is almost enchanting.
At first glance, it may look like Jesus is dying a horrible death. It may look like he did absolutely nothing but stand there and get rocks thrown at him by OJ Simpson, but look closer:
Have you ever seen a more righteous navel?
He’s not just dying. He’s SAVING. That’s the navel of a SAVIOR. Not the navel of someone who isn’t not unsaving the human race while not unhaving rocks not thrown at him.
This country needs to be saved. It’s a choice. Don’t quit. Not now.
Did Jim Carey quit after the cable guy? No.
Did Freddie Mercury stop having sex after he got AIDS? No.
Did Barbaro quit being crippled after all those people tried to heal him? No.
Did Kunta Kinte quit being Kunta Kinte after he was whipped because he didn’t like the name Toby?
NO HE DIDN'T QUIT!
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