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World of Warcraft Sucks.
World of Warcraft Sucks.
4/24/06
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A smell permeates through your house. It's indefinable and raunchy…like a dead man rotting away in the beginning to some 'Se7en-esque' plot. It's foreign, perhaps even inhuman. It strikes your olfactory receptors like a cerebral Ike vs. Tina beat down. You advance towards it and open the door expecting some type of satanic creature to spit poisonous venom, melting you and your loved ones into a horrible puddle of supernatural goo.
Except...wait…what's this? It's not an alien. It's your son. And that isn't poisonous venom. It's Mountain Dew. And it's not exactly some far off galaxy. It's World of Warcraft.
World of Warcraft is a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (MMORPG) that has sucked the souls of many adolescents (and some adults) into an unholy miasma of nerdish body odor, so potent it's guaranteed to set off your radon detectors. It may not be giving you cancer like radon, but you'll wish it were by the time you're done learning about this mess.
Let's start with the basics:
People who play World of Warcraft usually lack acceptable hygiene and social skills. Before we go on, take a look at this:
This particular problem isn't necessarily in her social skills. She is giving one of those "I’m a teenager and am too emo to smile" stares. She is positioning her maturing body in a clumsy pose dedicated to seducing the same demographic of people who listen to bands like "Coldplay." This is the cutesy stuff teenage kids do. The problem isn't that she's aware she is a teenager. The problem is that she is unaware that her armpits look like they need to be raked…a folly so basic that even girls with cerebral palsy can mark down as a requirement on their "to do" list. As it turns out, slaying pixels in her computer is much more important than slaying the living critters that lay eggs in that meadow of fuzz.
Through my observations, there are three categories of WoW players. I will assign them using "levels" so the readers who play the game can better understand this system:
Level 1: The Degenerates.
A degenerate is a person who has started playing World of Warcraft but hasn't yet fallen victim to its evil trap. A beginner, or in the circle of MMORPG's, a "newb," hasn't been around long enough to do permanent damage to their social lives. It usually takes about one week or 168 in-game hours to work your character up to a playable level. Currently, the highest level is 60. Once one invests this amount of time in the game, they graduate from being Degenerates to the next level:
 Level 2: The half-breeds. This is the gateway level. Now it's fight or flight. From here you can go in two directions. One is the glorious path to social normalcy; the other is the self destructive path whose same fate is shared by terrorists and those Heaven's Gate idiots. Picture a videogame playing Gollum, slowly decaying in front of a monitor mumbling words with unnecessary vocal inflections and repetitious wording. You'd be surprised how quickly "My Precious" can turn into "My Paladin is being gay!"
The half breeds are addicted but not hooked enough to plan their social lives around it. This is where being poor becomes an advantage. Blizzard, the hosting company, charges a monthly fee for World of Warcraft, and at this point in their addiction, I trust that these people will spend their hard-earned welfare checks like normal poor people: on booze and heroin. One can hope. However, if they choose to take the low road, they become:
Level 3: The Nightcrawlers. Aptly named because they are annoying and constantly covered in dirt. They are similar to vampires, except instead of deriving sustenance from human blood, their sustenance comes from Mountain Dew. It becomes their nectar. A Nightcrawler has little hope of reaching a socially acceptable level. They are so addicted to this game that the only things slowing them down are the patches Blizzard implements to update and fix its poisonous game. Nightcrawlers are social carcasses, probably do not have jobs, and live with their parents but won't mention that on their myspace profiles. It's a problematic web of body odor, caffeine, and lies.
 One of the arguments for this game is that the races are awesome, and the game play is always full of action. Here is one of the races you can choose from.
Yes, a gnome. The same awesome race famous for stealing underwear, and the Nick Jr. cartoon, "David the Gnome," where his voice was played by none other than Tom Bosley. Very badass indeed.
 There have been two recent WoW incidents that made headlining news. One of them consisted of a "plague" that broke out in the game and killed a bunch of characters, but the most recent one is something so absurd that it's almost beautiful. Like a flawless painting of a train wreck filled with miscarriages. A mess of a mess of a mess.
 A player supposedly died in real life and the members of his/her WoW “clan” held an online memorial service for her, which is a high-ranking gesture on the dork scale, right up there with bragging about your fluency in Klingon at a Trekkie convention. The funeral was then raided by another clan who killed the mourners, who in turn cried about it on their website. Before this gets dissected even further, watch the video for yourself.
Notice anything strange besides the director's questionable taste in music? Notice how about 48% of that film consists of characters running while 47% consists of characters wallowing around? The other 5% of this clip shows a group of renegades terrorizing a funeral being held in a video game. The strangest thing: 100% of these people don't find this unusual.
This movie is about seven minutes long and only about 25 seconds of it were remotely entertaining. The real losers aren't just the people who attended an RPG funeral, but the people who choose to spend 95% of their time online, running to places only to stand around and play grabass with each other like big elvin sissies.
You could do that in real life and you wouldn't have to pay 15 bucks a month for it. The only thing you need is your thumb, ass, and a chair. This is just one example of how people are taking this game too seriously. Not enough to convince you? How about this:
 Yes, that's a video of someone getting caught jerking off to a character in WoW. Please note that this was a video of someone getting CAUGHT, which should speak volumes about the number of people who actually do this without getting caught. Over 60% of the internet consists of porn on some level. So you know this guy wasn't strapped for material. This was as calculated and intentional as it was unintentionally hilarious.
 Between crying about a plague, online funerals, and repulsive tastes in internet porn, WoW is a virtual leech on the future of humanity. You may laugh now, but you'll be changing your tune soon when a huge percentage of the population turns into Nightcrawlers. It will only get worse from here.
A mess of a mess of a mess.
Blizzard, Go to hell.
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