Dec 28 2011

Holiday Themed Zenni Optical Frames

If you’re like me, getting older means getting more of these two things: toilet paper, and glasses. Luckily, toilet paper can be stolen from any public bathroom. But what about glasses? That’s where Zenni’s cheap eyeglasses come into play. They even have special holiday themed optical frames to make your blindness seem a lot more festive. Don’t believe me? Well see for yourself. This is the one I’ve picked:

They make me look like a sassy little elf girl ready to help Santa bundle his toys…which is exactly what someone like me would want to feel like.

Regardless, I encourage you all to check out these glasses. If you’re blind like Mr. Magoo, or just a tragic hipster one Lifehouse song away from cutting yourself, Zenni glasses are for you. If you still have doubts, maybe a testimonial from one of my readers, Nikki, will change your mind. Keep in mind, this girl is so blind that she might as well have been born with painted grapes for eyes.

Attention people. This is Nikki. You may be wondering why I can type so well being as blind as I am. Well I got Zenni glasses. Purple ones to be exact, and not only do I see better, but I also notice when guys are looking at me in the eyes instead of my boobs WHICH apparently I didn’t know were humongous. Thank you Zenni Optical for helping me see and notice that my boobs are big. You’re heroes!

You see that? Buy some cheap Christmas-themed eyeglasses and see how big your boobs are. If you think about it, that’s really what the holidays are about anyway.

By Rob • Sponsors • 4

Dec 21 2011

Man crashes $200k prize car *Cue Nelson Muntz Laugh*

HA HA!

Thanks to a Utah convenience store’s contest, Frito-Lay truck driver David Dopp won another set of wheels last Saturday: this lime-green, 631-hp Lamborghini Murcielago LP-640, worth at least $200,000. Such an awesome car that will…oops, he already wrecked it.
Just a few hours after getting the keys to the V-12 powered Italian supercar named for a famed Spanish fighting bull, Dopp took to the roads around his home in Santaquin, Utah. According to In Santaquin News, police were called about dusk after a witness spotted the all-wheel-drive Lambo bass-ackwards in a field, with skidmarks from where it left the road.

The Germans have a word called Schadenfreude, which is pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. You can also say something like “Ich bin ein Berliner” which loosely translates to, “I am a Jelly Doughnut.” So 10 points for the the Germans.

Not too sure where I was going with this…somehow this article got away from me.

By Rob • News • 6

Dec 20 2011

“Cocaine ingested from butt ends in tragedy”

Every now and again you find articles that really catch the eye. I copied that title from this article:

A South Carolina man who agreed to eat cocaine that was hidden in his brother’s rectum died from a drug overdose.The two brothers were sitting in the back of a police car discussing their legal troubles, when older brother convinced younger brother to eat the coke.Brotherly love soon turned to tragedy, according to media reports, when 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell died after ingesting the drugs. Source.

 

The author of the title says “Cocaine ingested from butt ends in tragedy,” as if this story could possibly have a happy ending. I’m a fairly imaginative guy, but if there’s cocaine being eaten out of an ass to trick the police, there’s not many good ways it can end unless The Great Gazoo popped out and used his alien magic to turn the drugs into rainbow sparkles.

By Rob • News • 10

Dec 20 2011

Shadow Government

Online games usually suck beyond all measure. I played Cyber Nations just to have my beautiful country “Dildopia” ruined by some jerk with nuclear weapons. This is why we can never let al-Qaeda get nuclear weapons by the way. If you let terrorists get weapons, then countries like Dildopia will be destroyed, all hope will be lost and the terrorists win.

Shadow Government seems like a pretty interesting concept, where you can literally play the news.

Shadow Government® uses T21-USA as an engine for its simulations. Threshold 21 (T21) is a dynamic simulation tool designed to support comprehensive, integrated long‐term country planning. The model has been developed by the Millennium Institute and is the result of more than 20 years of extensive research and application carried out in consultation with the World Bank, UN agencies, developing country governments, and nongovernmental organizations.

T21 integrates economic, social, and environmental factors in its analysis, thereby providing insight into the potential impact of development policies across a wide range of sectors. It reveals how different strategies interact to achieve desired goals and objectives.

Essentially it’s a game that in many ways simulates real life economy, diplomacy, war, and struggle for power. You can’t say that about “Angry Birds.” Those birds suck.

By Rob • Sponsors • 5

Dec 19 2011

Kim Jong Il Obituary

Kim Jong Il, the world’s goofiest looking tyrant is dead at 69 (heh). He is survived by his wife Kim Young-sook, and his children Kim Sul-song
Kim Jong-nam ,Kim Jong-chul, and Kim Jong-un.

 

SEOUL (Reuters) – North Koreans poured into the streets on Monday to mourn the death of iron leader Kim Jong-il as state media hailed his untested son as the “Great Successor” of the reclusive state whose atomic weapons ambitions are a major threat to the region.
Earlier a tearful North Korean television announcer, dressed in black and her voice quavering, said the 69-year old ruler died on Saturday of “physical and mental over-work” on a train on his way to give field guidance — advice dispensed by the “Dear Leader” on trips to factories, farms and the military.

Kim Jong Il was known for his whacky glasses and threats of nuclear Holocausts. He will be missed by someone. When reached for comment, his son, Kim Jong-un said the following before taking over as Supreme Leader of North Korea :

Herro,
My name is Kim Jong-un and I rike to exrain are the pran I have legarling ruh state of Chosŏn (Nolth Kolea to the lound eyes).
First or-rer of behniss, the new lules:
NORUN IS ARROWE TO SAY I HAVE CHUBBY FACE! NO RUN!
NORUN IS ARROWE TO RAWK STALTING WITH REFT FOOT. LIGHT FOOT ONRY!
NORUN IS ARROWE TO RICK ANY RORRIPOP OF ANY KIND.
NORUN IS ARROWE TO ROOK ME IN EYES. NO RUN!
EVELY FLIDAY IS RACKY TACKY TSHUT DAY. NO EXCEPTRUNS.
NORUN CAN PRAY PING PONG WITH BRUE PADDLE.
NORUN CAN PRAY PING PONG WITH BRUE PADDLE.  (HIRIGHTED TWICE!!!!)
NORUN IS ARROWE TO RIKE THE B-52S.

I WERE ADD MORE AS I THINK OF THEM.

IF RUN BLAKES RURE THEN THEY WILL BE KIRRED AND/ OR ROOSE THEIR RIFE REARRY REARRY QUICKRY!

By Rob • News • 4

Dec 16 2011

The Friday News Rundown

1. Lindsay Lohan, a known liar, bad actress, thief, alcoholic, drug abuser, and ginger wowed the judge this week by doing things she’s actually supposed to be doing. It only took her three years. Everybody is making such a big deal about this. I’ve never gotten a DUI in my life and nobody is giving me proverbial cookies and patting my back. It’s interesting how people are treating her the same way you’d treat a retarded person for doing something wrong. “It’s ok, Corky. See what happens when you pet the dog too hard? He stops moving. Here’s a cookie.” She also had her Playboy spread leaked, which isn’t nearly as interesting as it seems, which is why I put the whole “Lindsay Lohan is doing well” part first. You know it’s a bad photo shoot when I talk about people doing the right thing before I talk about their boobs.

2. Earlier this week, I discussed a video that may constitute as unintentional racism in the fast food industry. But what about intentional racism?

Two Asian-American students at University of California, Irvine, who ordered meals at a Chick-fil-A in Irvine said the cashier who took their order didn’t ask for their names. Instead, she typed “Ching” and “Chong,” respectively, on their receipts, according to Kelvin Lee, another UC Irvine student who said he is a friend of the customers. Full article.

The only way this could be more racist is if she changed one of the receipts to say “Spicy Dog” with the Dr. Pepper and a plea for them not to drive home.

3. Parents decided that it would be a good idea to pull a prank on their kids. That prank was to make out with their blind-folded children in the middle of a crowded gymnasium while someone video taped it and put it up on YouTube to be ridiculed by the entire internet.

 

If those kids decide to go Columbine crazy: Understood.

4. Here’s a picture of Hillary Clinton picking her nose.

————————

Words of Wisdom: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, I mean who really cares? OK fine: it tolls for Ben Savage.

By Rob • Celebrities, News, Rundown • 14

Dec 15 2011

The Duggar family is disgusting

If you don’t know who the Duggar family is, that’s ok. Here they are:

The Duggar family is famous for having less common sense than a ginger kid has friends. The mother treats her vagina like a clown car by seeing how many unevolved looking runts she can squeeze out it. The answer to that question by the way is 19 and one miscarriage.

During a routine check-up Thursday, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar received the heart-wrenching news that their 20th child no longer had a heartbeat and Michelle’s pregnancy had ended.

“Our doctor said it was wise to let this miscarriage happen naturally,” says Michelle, 45, who is resting at home. “And so that is what we are going to do.”

“There are people praying for us and angels surrounding our home, and there was peace in the sorrow and the grief. Those feelings are mingled together.”

“I really believe that God sees the bigger picture,” Jim Bob Duggar said. “I hope that her short life can encourage other people who have gone through things like this. It was very healing, and we have precious memories.”

I'll give you 10 dollars if you can show me a more obnoxious looking couple.

Oh so you’re starting to take the doctor’s advice now, Michelle? I’m sure your doctor said it was perfectly natural to get knocked up 20 times and make your vagina look like rotting hamburger meat.

Everything about this family disgusts me. Everyone’s name is unnecessarily long and starts with a J (Like Joshua James and Joy-Ann). The Duggars are obnoxiously religious and try to make everything about God. I’m sure “God” wanted you to have 19 kids and a reality TV show where you parade your backwards hick family around your podunk little Arkansas town, right? And I’m sure it was “God” who wanted your child to die in the womb, because when I think of a loving Christian God, I automatically think of infanticide.

So what does a normal sane family who experiences something tragic like a miscarriage do? Why they hold a public funeral and tweet pics of the dead fetus of course!

The Duggar Family, grieving from the loss of what would’ve been their 20th child, not only named the miscarried baby (a girl, Jubilee), they held a memorial service for her and took photos of the corpse, one of which made it onto Twitter.

It’s unclear which family member or friend posted it online, but the Duggars weren’t trying to keep it private. An artistic picture of the fetus, due in April, was distributed it at the memorial Wednesday. We have not posted it here for obvious reasons.

Of course, I’ll post the picture:

It’s pretty revolting and wrong when you…ah screw this. I’m done teaching idiots moral lessons. I’m starting to sound like an Oompa Loompa.

By Rob • Celebrities, News • 7

Dec 14 2011

What happens when Popeyes runs out of chicken?

Ever wonder what happens when Popeyes runs out of chicken? Well wonder no more. With a wave of the magic wand and a Bippedy Boppedy Boop!

This video is such a stereotype overload that it almost seems fake. It’s like a skit Saturday Night Live would do if Saturday Night Live were actually funny.

Why are these black people getting so mad when they don’t have cheap fried chicken at their disposal? I know I don’t listen to a lot of rap, but is this really what everybody is so mad about?

By Rob • News • 7

Dec 14 2011

Time Magazine is a load of crap

Time Magazine is famous for its “Person of the Year” award. Apparently people think it’s a prestigious honor, and maybe it is, but there’s something about having Justin Bieber on the same list as Larry Page that just doesn’t seem quite right. One invented Google, a site that has connected the world in unheard of ways, the other is responsible for singing a song called “Baby.”

So this year, Time Magazine has stooped to an even newer level of stupid. Here is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year:

The Protester

The Protester isn’t a person, it’s a group of people. You can’t have a group of people be “Person of the Year,” it doesn’t make sense. Do you realize what would happen if only one person were protesting something? They’d be ignored or have a blog or something.

And why the hell are we giving awards out to protesters? Occupation Wall Street is nothing but a bunch of lazy jobless dolts who are using protesting as an excuse to not grow up. I know Times is referring to the Egyptian protests, but they didn’t specify, and therein lies the problem with labeling a group of people as one person.

You know who should deserve the award? Angela Zhang. You don’t know who she is because that list is a retarded mess. Angela Zhang is a 17 year old student who created a particle that targets only cancer cells and slices through them until they’re dead. Again, Justin Bieber only sings “Baby” and has millions of dollars, while Zhang made huge advances in treating several cancers and got a grant for college. Thanks, integrity.

By Rob • News • 6

Dec 14 2011

Jennifer Lopez keeps trying

Jennifer Lopez is getting to be that age where she really shouldn’t be doing whatever it is she’s doing in this picture:

Apparently, the flesh-toned body suit Jennifer Lopez wore during her performance at the American Music Awards last month was a hit. The 42-year-old mother of toddler twins looks incredible suited up in a similar one piece, this one black and lace, for will.i.am’s new video, “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever),” for which she sings the chorus.

Yeah, she really looks incredible, which is why every picture I could find of her in this magical body suit is blurry. Ironic since we live in an age of High Definition everything. Papparazzi can practically film the pubes on Lindsay Lohan’s vagina from a mile away with amazing clarity, yet Jennifer Lopez’ pictures always look like we’re seeing her with cataracts.

By Rob • Celebrities • 6

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