"I'm looking for the rest of my hair, not food! Who are you to judge?"

A Freegan is someone who doesn’t believe in consumerism.  They are willing to rummage through dumpsters and garbage in exchange for “treading lightly on the earth.”  Their goal is to escape the cycle of consumerism by scavenging garbage bins for food, furniture, and god forbid, soap to clean the stench of filth off of them.  Essentially, they are wannabe hobos whose logic could easily be written in a manifesto by a monkey throwing its feces onto a piece of paper.

Classy

I don’t think being resourceful is a bad idea, but I think eating garbage is…and I think their rationality behind what they do is patently absurd.  Let’s examine some things:

1.  The entire ideology of a Freegan is to circumvent capitalism and eliminate consumerism from their lives.  This would make sense if the food that they ate wasn’t already purchased.  So basically it’s ok for other people to buy things for you.  It’s ok for other people to go against your beliefs while you benefit from those beliefs you fundamentally disagree with.  As long as you don’t buy it directly you’re safe, right?  Idiots.

2.  I think most people can agree eating garbage is disgusting, but not only that, there’s millions of bacterial cultures developing in those garbage bins, and if you’re not smart enough to eat things other than garbage, you’re not smart enough to figure out a way to make your garbage safe for eating.  Enjoy your E-coli, you overzealous jackasses.

Apparently the economy is so bad that now people are stealing from the homeless.

3.  If Freegans were so gung-ho about avoiding consumerism and putting a dent in capitalism, then they aren’t doing a good job of it by providing a website dedicated to their cause.  In fact, most of the facts I’ve researched for this article came from their very own website:  http://freegan.info/.  Freegans want to avoid consumerism?  How about understanding the amount of energy, money, and technology it takes to run a website?  You need to buy a domain name, that’s already money in GoDaddy’s pocket.  You need to pay for a host or server to house all of the information and bandwidth on your website, and on top of that, you need a lot of electricity to keep it going.  It is an advanced system, not some hippy miracle box.  Finally, you need other people to have electricity, computers, an operating system for the computer, and an ISP to view your website that you’ve paid hundreds of dollars for.  As of 1/20/09, the freegan website’s Alexa ranking (a traffic monitoring website) is 479,096 which can be estimated to garner at least 1000 unique visits per day, and it’s probably more now since they’ve appeared on Oprah and other shows to preach their hypocritical bullshit.  That’s over 30,000 different people accessing your site per month.  That’s over 30,000 people with their own internet plans, paying roughly $50.00 a month to stumble upon your silly drivel.  That’s about 1.5 million dollars you’re inadvertently responsible for.   What are you guys doing on Oprah anyway?  You’re supposed to be treading lightly on the earth, not being on a show where advertisers spend thousands of dollars for airtime during her commercials.  You do realize that people are taking pictures of your dumb asses, putting them on the internet and getting money from their ad revenue, right?  Nevermind that glaring hypocrisy, you have to pull some toilet paper off of a Chalupa.

4.  Between these blatant and absolutely breathtaking contradictions in philosophy and points of view in general, nothing set me off more than these two Freegans who spoke to the NY Times of all places:

For the record, I’ve put my penis in peanut butter jars many times before.  I can only pray that you got the one I jar-raped.

As I’ve stated before, you have to be out of your damn mind if you’re separating yourself from capitalism by having a website, and then promoting it via the NY Times…a media outlet that charges for subscriptions, not to mention the huge amount of ad revenue they make on online ads alone.  Way to distance yourself from ‘The Man,’ idiot.

I’ve found a solution to stop this, or at least make Freegans think twice about rummaging through our garbage.  I, IamRob of FreakSafari.com, am now the first official “Peegan.”  Observe:

Nice and clear. No dehydration for me!

An unsuspecting Freegan...eagerly waiting to save a buck.

Wait till I put some kidney stones in next time, loser!

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