Dec 30 2011

The Friday News Rundown

Let’s be honest: It’s New Years, nobody is at work, everyone is probably drunk, I don’t want to do this, you don’t want to do this…nobody will read this. I’m just going to make up some news that would make sense so no one would be the wiser.

1. Lindsay Lohan was caught snorting cocaine with a bunch of black people in the Hell’s Kitchen area of New York City this weekend. Sources say she was so desperate for any kind of attention that she repeatedly asked the gang of black people to punch her in the face. They shrugged their shoulders and walked away to get some orange drink.

2. The Fox TV cartoon Allen Gregory will be canceled. When reached for comment, the creator and star Jonah Hill said, “Wait, I have a show called Allen Gregory? Since when?” One of the writers, Guy Endore-Kaiser says this about this show:

Well, I know the show wasn’t funny. But it wasn’t supposed to be funny. It was supposed to be punk rock. Here’s my resume. Know anybody? I can do handstands! Look!

3. Jennifer Aniston recently talked about her hair and about how her husband Brad Pitt is such a nice guy and how their marriage is doing so well.

Oh you know, our marriage has had some ups and downs, but what marriage doesn’t? Am I right? I love Brad. I wish he’d call me. Why isn’t he calling me? Maybe I should call him! No Jennifer, you told yourself you wouldn’t do this! It’s a test. YES! WHY DOESN’T HE LOVE ME ANYMORE!?!!”

Happy New Year, everybody.

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Words of wisdom: The best things in life are free, which is what makes puking on women so enticing.

By Rob • Rundown • 3