“Did you know that poison ivy and poison oak are part of the cashew family!?”

There’s only so much of this bullshit I can take.

Ever have a friend…  Wait, scratch that, nobody could be a friend to this kind of person.  Let me start over:

Ever know someone who interjects random bits of trivia into every conversation?  You could be talking from anything ranging from politics to the size of Lady Gaga’s penisgina, and they’ll throw some kind of random trivia into the equation to make them seem smart?  If you’re one of those people, rape yourself with a brick.  I want to have a conversation about Lady Gaga’s penisgina.  Will you please let me do this?  If your random stupid Snapple fun fact were interesting, we’d talk about it.  Until then, fuck off.

There’s this person I know who always has to have a say in a conversation that doesn’t involve him.  I use “him” loosely because he sort of resembles a pale pumpkin more than a person.

Everytime a person talks about something, this pale idiot would say something completely off topic in the loudest most obnoxious shrill of a voice ever.

“I disagree with some of the Obama’s healthcare reform policies.  I just think that…

“DID YOU KNOW THAT ANTIBACTERIAL SPRAY WON’T HAVE ANY EFFECT ON THE SWINE FLU BECAUSE IT’S A VIRUS!!?  THOSE PEOPLE WASHING THEIR HANDS ARE IDIOTS!!”

“…”

“…uh huh.”

I know this makes me sound like an old crotchety man, and in many ways I am.  But for fuck’s sake, can’t you at least tell when you’re not interesting?  Are you that void of the most basic aspects of self-reflection that you cannot even entertain the thought that you as a person are duller than an amputee’s arm nub?  You know what?  Cut your arm off.  THAT will make you interesting.  I will drop any conversation I’m in if you tell me the story about your arm nub.  That’s worth cutting into a conversation.  Not your stupid fun facts about dolphins.  Tell me the story about the time you nub fucked a 90 year old corpse pussy.  That will turn heads.  You explaining what sine and cosine are won’t.

Be interesting or shut the fuck up.  I’m already in a shitty conversation about Obama’s healthcare reform; I don’t need to know about your crazy happenings while you and your zany friends spent Friday playing Monopoly.

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